Look For Goodies

Thursday, December 30, 2010

December 30, 2010

- I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs…


- Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.


- Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.


- I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

- They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.


- I have to stop playing Call of Duty: Black Ops! I swear, today at work I tried to upgrade my stapler.


- Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's "butterflies in your stomach" or just "bubble gut"


- My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit.


- This “everything” bagel is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.


- I haven't been to work in four days. I almost forgot how to play solitaire and minesweeper.


- Does anyone know of a quick test to tell if you're cool? I mean...obviously...I'm just asking this for a friend....


- I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas to fight...I'm starting to think I'm living in the wrong city....


- I’m the only person that has been able to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.


- Oysters are fantastic!...If you like the taste of snot that’s been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.


- If you can’t say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.


- I just don't like the look of my hands. That's why I always keep them at arm’s length.


- Before I was a mom I had two theories about raising children. Now I have 2 children and absolutely no theories.


- Crazy?! I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner!? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me! Bugs?! I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy!? I was crazy once...


- One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!


- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....


- I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.


- Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.


- I like to think that when I die, I’ll get to see my stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.


- I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth". I just want to scream "YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"


- Whenever I sing my husband goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors he’s not beating me.


- I don’t set out to shock or offend anyone, but I also don’t do anything to prevent it.


- Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!


- Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? No? That’s because it hasn't come out yet.


- I've been told that hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.


- The lady next to me in this restaurant just asked if she could “please get a teabag”. *_* Hard…to…suppress…giggles!


- I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.


- I just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve. ‘Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo’ was robbed again!


- Just once I’d like to write out a check in crayon…


- I was standing by the door and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit.” Because if there was a fire I wouldn’t run?


- The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.


- Due to flooding, the schools are closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school. Uphill. Both ways.


- Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.


- I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.


- It just isn’t fair that there are children starving in Africa, and I wake up looking this good…


- Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also…weak arms.


- Fubu shirt - $100. Rocca Wear sweatshirt - $80. Sean John hat - $50. Realizing you're white... Priceless.


- If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.


- If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?


- See, you think I give a crap. Wrong! In fact, while you are talking ,I'm thinking, “How can I give less of a crap?” That's why I look so interested...

- Word of advice: Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

December 22, 2010

- If I get pulled over in Arizona and the cop says "Papers" and I say "Scissors", do I win?


- Anger management class makes me mad.


- Oh I'm sorry! I didn't realized you were giving me a dirty look...I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!


- When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!


- I had a recurring dream once.


- You'll never be the man your mother is.


- Stephen Hawking doesn’t get a flu shot. He uses Norton Anti Virus.


- I used to care but now I take a pill for that...


- I hate when I get Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.


- I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you…and everyone else…so I can't help that.


- I don’t know who should be more embarrassed...me, for stopping at a yard sale that isn’t a yard sale or the person whose place looks like there’s a yard sale.


- I just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.


- Farmville Truths: Anyone at a lower level than me is a loser and anyone at a higher level is a loser with no life!


- Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.


- I’m going to set up a dating website for pyromaniacs and call it MyMatchbook.


- You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you’d like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.


- You could probably train a pigeon to babysit a human baby if you cover the baby in hay and trash and bread and stuff.


- It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.


- He says I keep pushing his buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.


- Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time.


- I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side. Then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.


- "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."


- Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.


- The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.


- Sometimes I feel like a million bucks. Other times I feel like a food stamp.


- Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets. These little packets are just mean.


- There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL. I really admire two-sport athletes.


- Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family just in case the one you have wasn't enough.


- Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.


- A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about.


- I’m going to investigate a strange noise in the attic. Man…my power just went out and all I have is a flashlight containing very old batteries. I may have to run outside afterwards without my cell phone into the deep woods far away from any houses while tripping often. BRB...


- I asked my husband if he wanted dinner. He said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."


- The answer to the age old question of how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop is...277. I know this because since Halloween I have had 637 of them.


- It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.


- I can think of at least 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.


- Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."


- When they’re not fighting or racing light cycles, I’ll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support.


- Something seems to be wrong with my butt today. I can't seem to get rid of it.




OR - Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.


- Drinking won't solve your problems. It gives you lots of interesting new ones.


- I just coughed, sneezed and farted all at the same time. I’m pretty sure I traveled 3 seconds into the future.


- Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork


- When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.


- I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.


- I feel like an Atari 2600 in a Play Station 3 world.


- You can't make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.


- Sometimes I wish that I WASN'T old enough to know better.

Monday, December 20, 2010

December 20, 2010

- Who's the jerk that invented the faucet handles you have to hold down?


- When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.


- Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me it's a Transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.


- There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.


- Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.


- If “new” things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.


- Signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.


- I think if you wRiTe LikE DiS you need to go back to MySpace. It’s annoying. Grow up.


- I’m updating my resume. What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months"?


- Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.


- Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.


- What does it mean when a guy calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean, aside from the fact that he works for MasterCard™.


- Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. What a sad state of affairs.


- Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.


- Am I the only one that flips back and forth like a little kid when I discover 2 radio stations playing the same song?


- If I had a dollar for every time that I wished I had a dollar......


- My friend said she thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.


- I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.


- This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.


- If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies. Just sayin’.


- Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you.


- An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.


- Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless. You can still be used as “the bad example”.


- Vodka + Ice damages your kidney. Rum + Ice damages your liver. Whiskey + Ice damages your heart. Gin + Ice damages your brain. Damn you, Ice! How much more damage can you cause?


- There has to be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."


- I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.


- Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.


- My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.


- Born to get forced to work.


- My cow just died yesterday and I don't need your bull!


- On this site in 1897...nothing happened.


- No noose is good noose.


- Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.


- Well…I’m awake. This is not a good start to my day.


- So far we have 3 inches of “no accumulation”. Thanks, Weatherman!


- Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".


- They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.


- I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.


- I began to slip this morning while going to my car, but I turned it into a wicked moonwalk instead. I gots mad skillz!


- I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.


- I need to take a Wikileak.


- Don’t leave alphabet soup on the stove. It could spell disaster.


- Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind!


- I hate it when I’m telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

- There is no I in team, but there are four in platitude-quoting idiot.


- Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.


- I’m an apathetic sociopath. I'd kill you if I cared.


- Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.


- A good friend will take you to the hospital if you slip into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.


- I totally take back all of those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid.

- Now with more cowbell.



- Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.


- I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people, "Have you seen this person?"


is in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.


- The main trouble with mental notes is that the ink fades sooooo fast.

- I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

- Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

- What was Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand?

- They say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late.


- If Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.


- I wonder what people in China call their good dishes?

- Hello, Laundry…my old nemesis. So we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played, evil villain. Well played.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

December 15, 2010

- Helen Keller’s favorite color was corduroy.


- My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

- I just played the greatest work game ever: While on the phone with a man, call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

- I designed the Metrodome roof and Windows 7 was my idea.

- Latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress. And you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.

- All of these Brett Favre jokes are as old as Brett Favre.


- Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke, I am your father."


- Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. And I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows. Winter Blows. Winter Blows.


- This is my cup of care \_/. Oh look, it’s empty. Hmmm…


- If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?


- If this phone were actually smart, it wouldn’t let certain people call me.


- Today is my favorite day of the week to be melodramatic about what day of the week it is.


- I’m feeling kinda vague.


- The size of my snow angel makes me realize I need to go to the gym.


- Tuesday has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

Monday, December 13, 2010

December 13, 2010

- Poems that don't rhyme are just really weird sentences that make people feel awkward.



- To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.


- Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*


- Someone go outside and tell me how cold it is.


- ♫ Oh the weather outside is the weather.... ♫


- Where do you go if you're addicted to rehab?


- I love my husband for his money. On a completely separate note…Ugh! I’m HORRIBLE at math!


- Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure, the less sure I am!


- I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.


- I got food poisoning yesterday. I’m just not sure who to use it on yet.


- Does anyone know a good site where I can Google a few things?


- I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you forget the valuable lesson.


- I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"


- When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"


- When you are feeling down because everyone is against you just remember that....Nationwide is on your side.


- I’m an office zombie: Bored to undeath


is "not for everyone. Clinical tests show that ____ may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if ____ is right for you."


- I’m just not the same since that house fell on my sister…

- When I go, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully and asleep. Not like the passengers in his car, screaming for their life.   (Thanks, BlueKnight)







Friday, December 10, 2010

December 10, 2010

- You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.



- I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal.


- Is it just me or any time someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head?


- What's another word for synonym?

- Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.


- I am a member of the Jehovah’s witness protection program.


- My neck is sore from whipping my hair back and forth...


- If meat is murder then tofu is prison rape.


- I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"


- When I die, I want to be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.


- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


- Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.


- What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!?!"


- Throughout all this freezing weather and snow we’ve been getting, all my kids have done is stare through the window. I guess if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let them in…


- At what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?


- I just caught my kids arguing over who loves me more. It would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love her more!"..."uh uh YOU love her more!!!"


- I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.


- Dear Scissors, I feel your pain... No one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Al Gore


- I’m afraid we have differing opinions on your level of awesomeness.

- I don’t turn on a light when I go to sleep because I’m afraid of the dark…the dark turns a light on because ITS afraid of ME.


- Though we’ve made many advancements in science, sadly, pimpin’ STILL ain’t easy.


- BBC News: 'Friendly fire UK death probed' ........ As if dying wasn't enough...


- I need to pace myself, because I've already filled 95% of my box of awesome and it isn’t even noon yet...oh, see...96%!


- Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.


- Send me your credit card # and brand to my inbox and I'll post what I bought myself with your money.


- One of the hardest choices I have had to make in my adult life, give my change to the bell ringer outside of Wal-Mart or spend it in the toy vending machine in hopes that I get the cool watch I was wanting.


- In memory of John Lennon who died 30 years ago today. Did you know the only vegetable he ate was broccoli? I'm happy he finally decided to give peas a chance...


- At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.


- I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet.

- Snooze Button: Because all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap.


- ‎7-11 is developing a new wine. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness.


- I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday". Just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on that day!


- If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull...then I don't want to see your tribal tattoo.


- When I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.


- When I was your age, our video games consisted of big dots eating little dots while being chased by other dots who went in the other direction when my dot ate a special dot....


- I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.


- Telling me I can't is like asking me to prove you wrong!


- Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.


- Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.


- How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places?


- I saw a can of Lysol that was "original" scent. What the heck does "original" smell like?


- Why are wedding dresses white? Because all household appliances come in white.


- So I was just asked if I knew where the nearest payphone was located. Ummm…1998?


- Most people don’t act stupid – it’s generally the real thing.


- Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.


- I am at that point in the day where I point out that point in the day.


- I think swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.


- I hate people that say, "She's a nice person once you get to know her." They might as well just say, "She's a jerk, but you'll get used to it."


- I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.


- I just got back from the doctor. Turns out I have soap poisoning. Thanks a lot mom!!!


- I will NEVER predict the future.


- If you thought the Vuvuzelas at South Africa were annoying, wait until you hear the automatic weapons the Russians bring to the World Cup.


- I’ve been working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.


- Remembering things on my own makes me feel like I'm cheating on Google.


- I answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me really hard in the shin! I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry. It’s just nasty bug going around.


- I'm sorry, did someone say something about global warming? Let me remove my 3 extra layers of clothes, hat, gloves, scarf, long johns, and earmuffs, and get comfortable under my electric blanket and then you can tell me ALL about it.


- Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then please still copy this. It's important to spread the message...


- I’m pretty sure it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!


- Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?


- Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.


- I was at the grocery store and the cashier asked me if I wanted, "Paper or plastic?" I told her it didn’t matter because I'm bisacksual.


- I’m asking for donations to help me with a very difficult thing to talk about. You see, I need a tropical vacation because I’ve been hit extremely hard with the “I hope your kids turn out to be just like you” curse. Please help…


- The trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.


- The best revenge is success…or laxatives in cookies.


- The biggest inner struggle is when you really have to pee but you’re too lazy to get up.


- #192.168.1.1- I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router.


- Modern tragedy... Dumb people with smart phones.


- I started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.


- wonder I dyslexics if can this. read


- In the news: “Police squad helps dog bite victim.” ........... You'd think they would be trying to STOP it!?!


- I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone!

Friday, December 3, 2010

December 3, 2010

- :): The Bipolar smiley face


- The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things.

- Sometimes while I drink my coffee I stare out the window and ask myself, "How many people am I going to cuss out today?"

- RIP to all the snowmen who died fighting the sun.


- I’m so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.



- Sometimes my life feels like a choose-your-own-adventure-novel gone bad.


- Apparently my boss has NOT heard the saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."



- I’m definitely older. Not sure about wiser...


- Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.


- Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.


- "Duct tape" - finding a cure to noise pollution, one mouth at a time.