- I was gonna listen to that last lame song you posted, but then, ummm, yeah...I just carried on living my life.
- I grunt when I play Wii tennis. It’s all about intimidation.
- Plan B includes margaritas.
- Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?
- I live every day like it’s my first. There’s a lot of crying and sleeping involved.
- Facebook. Where people you don’t know are better friends than your real friends.
- My business is awkward smiles and poorly executed high-fives, and business is good.
- I know you’re broke, but that doesn’t mean I want you to be my sugar-free daddy.
- Open your eyes, people! ‘The Three Little Pigs’ was written by bricklayers.
- Despite their name, riot police don’t have much of a sense of humor.
- When writing a resume, it’s much more valuable to say you are an expert at “replicate and repurpose functionality” than “copy and paste.”
- Wore camouflage pants once. Still can’t find my legs.
- I listed Starbucks as my emergency contact at work.
- I'm not a social drinker. It's mostly work related.
- If you can read, then this status doesn't apply to you.
- I’ve decided to become "The silent type." I'd let you know how that works out, but…you know…silence...
- Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his iPad to comfort him, I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain. But only in Flash.
- The me who wakes up in the morning has zero respect for the me who set the alarm the night before!
- Last time I checked, it bounced.
- I'm not pointing out your flaws. I'm pointing out my traits that are better than yours.
You Can Be This Funny, Too! Thoughts from the Interwebs...and, yes...my brain. -- Facebook Status Updates I've Used And Will Use.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Valentine's Day
- My new diet is heavy on local, seasonal foods. Mostly Valentine’s Day candy from the Walgreens down the street.
- Remember when making a mix tape was the perfect Valentine's gift?
- Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's chocolate involved.
- I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures just to get to the florist. He must have really screwed up.
- Remember – with Valentine’s Day only days
away, it’s not too late to break up.
away, it’s not too late to break up.
- If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
- Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.
- It's better to have loved and lost than to have spent the rest of your life with that psycho. Happy Single Person's Awareness Day!
January 27, 2011
- When you go cow tipping, do you only tip 15-20% of them?
- Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
- Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you?
- I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced.
- Did you know that 'Go Hang A Salami' is 'I'm A Lasagna Hog' backwards? You’re welcome.
- Stalking is such a strong word. I prefer “extreme follow the leader” .
- If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Time flies when I throw my alarm clock across the room.
- ...And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!
- Attention Kids in High School: If you're complaining that Facebook is "becoming Myspace"... it's because of you. Please stop complaining and use Facebook for what it was made for...to lurk on other peoples photos.
- I finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep the ashes out of the fireplace.
- I need to have a fixed income. Mine is broken.
- I don’t accept blame well, but it's not my fault.
- RIP Jack LaLanne. I wonder if he’ll be buried, cremated or juiced?
- You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
- When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.
- If I ever find out who keeps shrinking my pants, I'm going to strangle them. Then I'm going to steal all of their candy.
- 3 ways to die early: Smoking = 5 years early. Alcohol = 10 years early. Loving someone who doesn't love you = You die daily.
- Can we please have a minute of silence for the women who’ve lost their boyfriend/husband to COD: BLACK OPS.
- Dear Yahoo, I’ve never heard someone say "I dunno let’s 'Yahoo It." Just Saying. Sincerely, Google.
- It's been said that Obama hasn't had a cigarette in 9 months. If that's true, then why does it feel like he's still blowing smoke up my butt?
- Is anyone else not surprised by the news that Taco Bell’s “meat” isn’t really all meat? That didn’t even merit a “WHAT?!” from me. Turns out I love “Extender” tacos!
- Taco Bell Meat Ingredients: Beef, Water, Seasoning, Isolated Oat Product, Salt, Chili Powder, Onion Powder, Oats. Now…you may be thinking that oats don’t belong in tacos, but hear me out. Oatmeal is heart healthy. Therefore, Taco Bell = Heart Healthy.
- Is it just me, or does anyone else's cold medina taste a little funky?
- I have a friend who’s a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.
- If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.
- Life got so much easier when I decided to become part of the problem and not part of the solution.
- Never could figure out why my career as tpyist came to a sudden ned.
- Please don’t ever change! I always want to be better than you.
- If the waitress doesn’t have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.
- The clothes I wear on laundry day make me look like an alien in a movie when kids dress it to look like a human.
- Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie.
- Words: For when an emoticon just isn’t enough.
- Quit embarrassing me in front of my friends, iPod shuffle.
- Stephen Tyler looks like he’s made from leftover pieces of Mickey Rourke.
- I refuse to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.
- I’m not goofing off. I’m impersonating upper management.
- I’ve been eating healthier. By that I mean I’ve stopped cooking.
- Hard work never hurt anybody. But I’m hoping the boss will be first.
- I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.
- Today I’ve decided to rename things in the office to start with “i” like Apple. There’s iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday…
- Sailors drink beer by the galleon.
- A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
- “Ooh goody, I have an email!” – me, forgetting about the email I sent myself NOT ONE SECOND AGO.
- Just once I’d like the chip on someone’s shoulder to be a Pringle.
- I always work as if I own this business. Turns out I’m a lazy owner who just doesn’t care if the whole thing goes down the tubes.
- Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.
- I bet you wish it was called male pattern badness.
- I’m taking the underground route to work today. I’ll be following the sewer system, sticking to the sides where it’s dryer with nothing but a rat hammer. Yes…I’m afraid this is a sewerside mission.
- Sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for... I'll be right back.
- I’m just typing some words in a box for you to look at.
- Twitter = I need to pee. Facebook = I peed! Youtube = Watch this pee! LinkedIn = I pee well.
- Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
- When your only tool is a set of stairs, every coworker looks like a Slinky.
- When it’s cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it’s frustrating out I wear my UGH boots.
- My children are taking me to lunch. I get to choose where. And drive. And pay.
- Dear Diet Coke, I feel like you’re overreacting. Sincerely, Mentos.
- I like to think that if my dog was able to use a computer, his password for everything would be my name followed by random numbers.
- This yogurt is so cultured that I can only eat it when I’m listening to Beethoven.
- The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me “Amiga”. Am I in a gang now?
- Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Indecision may or may not be my problem.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- “I love the north pole and hate the south pole! No wait…I love the south pole and hate the north pole!” ~ a bi-polar bear
- “We will, we will paper you!” – Band that’s more awesome than Queen
- Might buy a junkyard just to grow my own junk food.
- I need constant reassurance, right?
- I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.
- I’d like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.
- You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
- My dentist just won Dentist of the Year. All he got was a little plaque.
- Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at home = weird. Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at work = chef.
- If you can’t face it, moon it.
- The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
- A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
- The Food Network should air a disclaimer before all its programs. “Warning: the following show features stunts performed by chefs who didn’t have to worry about washing dishes, afterwards.”
- Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
- The dog is following me around like I’m made of meat. Wait a minute…
- Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
- I’m giving my co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
- In only two weeks I’d forgotten how exhausting work can be. Tomorrow I think I’ll just watch.
- You never hear skinny people saying, “I’m just small boned.”
- “Age is just a number.” “Yeah? Jail is just a room.”
- On the other hand… You have different fingers.
- I always start what I finish.
- Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.
- Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
- They used to be called Jumpolines until your mom bounced on one back in ’52.
- NEVER try to self-diagnose online. It almost always ends up making you think you’re dying. WebMD should just be renamed “EnjoyYourCancer.com”.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?
- If you do a Google Image search for the number ’241543903′, you will find out why the human race is so fantastic.
- Snow Tip: The other people out shoveling are called “neighbors.” They are like Facebook friends who live nearby.
- The Hypochondriac’s Epitaph: “NOW do you believe me!?”
- I’m sorry, DIRECT TV, I could care less if I can pause my DVR in one room and resume in another. Want to impress me? Free movie channels forever. Or send me a miniature giraffe. Either one.
- A disgruntled bubble wrap factory worker could shoot 20 men and no one would turn their heads.
- I have no problem keeping secrets. It’s the people I tell…
- Zoo animals don’t know they live in a gated community.
- Nudist Camp sign : Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
- Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
- The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
- How long does guacamole last in the fridge? Please say a year.
- Lawyer (n): Larval stage of Politician.
- If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.
- There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
- We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
- About 90% of conversations between guys are just made up of quotes from movies.
- Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
- Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you?
- I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced.
- Did you know that 'Go Hang A Salami' is 'I'm A Lasagna Hog' backwards? You’re welcome.
- Stalking is such a strong word. I prefer “extreme follow the leader” .
- If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Time flies when I throw my alarm clock across the room.
- ...And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!
- Attention Kids in High School: If you're complaining that Facebook is "becoming Myspace"... it's because of you. Please stop complaining and use Facebook for what it was made for...to lurk on other peoples photos.
- I finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep the ashes out of the fireplace.
- I need to have a fixed income. Mine is broken.
- I don’t accept blame well, but it's not my fault.
- RIP Jack LaLanne. I wonder if he’ll be buried, cremated or juiced?
- You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
- When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.
- If I ever find out who keeps shrinking my pants, I'm going to strangle them. Then I'm going to steal all of their candy.
- 3 ways to die early: Smoking = 5 years early. Alcohol = 10 years early. Loving someone who doesn't love you = You die daily.
- Can we please have a minute of silence for the women who’ve lost their boyfriend/husband to COD: BLACK OPS.
- Dear Yahoo, I’ve never heard someone say "I dunno let’s 'Yahoo It." Just Saying. Sincerely, Google.
- It's been said that Obama hasn't had a cigarette in 9 months. If that's true, then why does it feel like he's still blowing smoke up my butt?
- Is anyone else not surprised by the news that Taco Bell’s “meat” isn’t really all meat? That didn’t even merit a “WHAT?!” from me. Turns out I love “Extender” tacos!
- Taco Bell Meat Ingredients: Beef, Water, Seasoning, Isolated Oat Product, Salt, Chili Powder, Onion Powder, Oats. Now…you may be thinking that oats don’t belong in tacos, but hear me out. Oatmeal is heart healthy. Therefore, Taco Bell = Heart Healthy.
- Is it just me, or does anyone else's cold medina taste a little funky?
- I have a friend who’s a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.
- If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.
- Life got so much easier when I decided to become part of the problem and not part of the solution.
- Never could figure out why my career as tpyist came to a sudden ned.
- Please don’t ever change! I always want to be better than you.
- If the waitress doesn’t have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.
- The clothes I wear on laundry day make me look like an alien in a movie when kids dress it to look like a human.
- Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie.
- Words: For when an emoticon just isn’t enough.
- Quit embarrassing me in front of my friends, iPod shuffle.
- Stephen Tyler looks like he’s made from leftover pieces of Mickey Rourke.
- I refuse to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.
- I’m not goofing off. I’m impersonating upper management.
- I’ve been eating healthier. By that I mean I’ve stopped cooking.
- Hard work never hurt anybody. But I’m hoping the boss will be first.
- I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.
- Today I’ve decided to rename things in the office to start with “i” like Apple. There’s iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday…
- Sailors drink beer by the galleon.
- A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
- “Ooh goody, I have an email!” – me, forgetting about the email I sent myself NOT ONE SECOND AGO.
- Just once I’d like the chip on someone’s shoulder to be a Pringle.
- I always work as if I own this business. Turns out I’m a lazy owner who just doesn’t care if the whole thing goes down the tubes.
- Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.
- I bet you wish it was called male pattern badness.
- I’m taking the underground route to work today. I’ll be following the sewer system, sticking to the sides where it’s dryer with nothing but a rat hammer. Yes…I’m afraid this is a sewerside mission.
- Sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for... I'll be right back.
- I’m just typing some words in a box for you to look at.
- Twitter = I need to pee. Facebook = I peed! Youtube = Watch this pee! LinkedIn = I pee well.
- Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
- When your only tool is a set of stairs, every coworker looks like a Slinky.
- When it’s cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it’s frustrating out I wear my UGH boots.
- My children are taking me to lunch. I get to choose where. And drive. And pay.
- Dear Diet Coke, I feel like you’re overreacting. Sincerely, Mentos.
- I like to think that if my dog was able to use a computer, his password for everything would be my name followed by random numbers.
- This yogurt is so cultured that I can only eat it when I’m listening to Beethoven.
- The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me “Amiga”. Am I in a gang now?
- Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Indecision may or may not be my problem.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- “I love the north pole and hate the south pole! No wait…I love the south pole and hate the north pole!” ~ a bi-polar bear
- “We will, we will paper you!” – Band that’s more awesome than Queen
- Might buy a junkyard just to grow my own junk food.
- I need constant reassurance, right?
- I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.
- I’d like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.
- You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
- My dentist just won Dentist of the Year. All he got was a little plaque.
- Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at home = weird. Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at work = chef.
- If you can’t face it, moon it.
- The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
- A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
- The Food Network should air a disclaimer before all its programs. “Warning: the following show features stunts performed by chefs who didn’t have to worry about washing dishes, afterwards.”
- Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
- The dog is following me around like I’m made of meat. Wait a minute…
- Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
- I’m giving my co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
- In only two weeks I’d forgotten how exhausting work can be. Tomorrow I think I’ll just watch.
- You never hear skinny people saying, “I’m just small boned.”
- “Age is just a number.” “Yeah? Jail is just a room.”
- On the other hand… You have different fingers.
- I always start what I finish.
- Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.
- Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
- They used to be called Jumpolines until your mom bounced on one back in ’52.
- NEVER try to self-diagnose online. It almost always ends up making you think you’re dying. WebMD should just be renamed “EnjoyYourCancer.com”.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?
- If you do a Google Image search for the number ’241543903′, you will find out why the human race is so fantastic.
- Snow Tip: The other people out shoveling are called “neighbors.” They are like Facebook friends who live nearby.
- The Hypochondriac’s Epitaph: “NOW do you believe me!?”
- I’m sorry, DIRECT TV, I could care less if I can pause my DVR in one room and resume in another. Want to impress me? Free movie channels forever. Or send me a miniature giraffe. Either one.
- A disgruntled bubble wrap factory worker could shoot 20 men and no one would turn their heads.
- I have no problem keeping secrets. It’s the people I tell…
- Zoo animals don’t know they live in a gated community.
- Nudist Camp sign : Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
- Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
- The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
- How long does guacamole last in the fridge? Please say a year.
- Lawyer (n): Larval stage of Politician.
- If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.
- There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
- We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
- About 90% of conversations between guys are just made up of quotes from movies.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
January 26, 2011 (Some Old, Some New, All Funny)
- ‘Vegetarian’ is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."
- I hate when I can’t understand what I’m hearing while eavesdropping!
- How can we disagree when I’m so right?
- You call it kidnapping, but I call it surprise adoption.
- My 6 packs are now officially a Family Pack.
- I have OC/DC. It's just like OCD except it rocks!
- I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand. It's the two-handed people who beat the crap out of me.
- Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you're lying becomes less important.
- I'm not Jesus, but I can turn water into Kool Aid.
- I'm not trying to impress anyone here, but...I can totally swim without floaties.
- I refuse to go Bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I refuse to go out because of one too.
- I just took a Lunesta and washed it down with a 5 hour power energy drink. Let the battle begin.
- If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.
- I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
- Female anatomy jokes aren’t funny. Period.
- I was just wondering how much orange pop was in a can. I guess I should stop Fanta sizing and get back to work…
- It was so cold this morning and I couldn’t find my ice scraper, so I used my Old Navy discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield. It didn't work though…I only got 10% off.
- Operation "This isn't going to End Well" Is a GO!!!
- Really feels like I should tidy up, so I'm just gonna lie here and wait for that feeling to pass…
- Today, I’m suffering from Brainfartitis.
- I could be a morning person . . . if morning happened at NOON!!!
- My short term memory isn't what it used to be. Also, my short term memory isn't what it used to be.
- Mosaics are one of the most exquisite forms of art, just like broken people that God has skillfully put back together are stunning!
- Damn! I zigged when I should've zagged!
- Dude, I think my check liver light just came on.
- I’m having a "Bite Me" kind of day.
- If insanity is repeating the same things over and over while expecting a different result can I NOT go to work due to mental illness?
- I would rather have a pap-smear with a rake then go to work today...
- A morning without coffee is like...uh, yeah...I don't know. I need more coffee...
- I think waffles are pancakes with little syrup cups.
- Procrastinators will one day rule the world! ... Just not today…
- Today is the day that one of the greatest persons on earth was born in 1973. Let's all take a minute to pause and thank God that I was born.
- I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes…I HAVE always been this awesome.
- My sole purpose in life ... is merely to annoy you ...
- I'm not evil! I'm just misunderstood. (long pause) And evil.
- If you noticed this notice, your notice was noticed and the notice was noted.
- Ever have one of those days where it feels like you are being shoved into the wall face first over and over and over again?
- This status is in Spanish when you aren't looking.
- People, people, people! Calm down! You all know I'm a dork, but hey, that's what makes me amazing!
- I just put some snow tires on my car. Pretty useless really…they just crumbled as soon as I pulled away.
- I’m not bothered by being alone, because I’m already in the company of an interesting person.
- Be nice to me - with minimum effort I can make things very, very difficult.
- I’m just like you. Only better.
- I’m not perfect. But now that I’ve admitted this, I am.
- I’m like catnip, but for people.
is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that she may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if she is right for you.
<-- Results not typical.
is an acquired taste. If you don't like her, acquire some taste.
- I’m radiating the alluring, seductive glow of pure awesomeness today!
- I wish I were you, so I could be friends with me!
- If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
- Today's forecast: Partially moody with a chance of I don't like you.
- My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with her.
- Snow is a four letter word.
- I asked my kids to load the dishwasher and they handed me a bottle of wine! I guess “load the dishwasher” means to get mom drunk!
- Don’t scare me. I poop easily!
- A cup of coffee in the morning is the equivalent of being slapped in the face...but with flavor. Bring the pain little bean. Bring the pain.
- I’ll procrastinate later.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
- If a vegetarian eats animal crackers are they still a vegetarian?!?
- Here, take these scissors and run down the steps with them.
- Why not take the ex out tonight? One bullet should do it!
- Handling teenagers is as easy as nailing jelly to a ceiling...
- I’m selling my encyclopedias because I have teenagers who know everything.
- If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark that throws up people until they are forced to open a beach.
- There are two ways to impress a man 1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer.
- Crayons, check... helmet, check... Prozac, check... OK, I'M READY FOR WORK!
- There has to be more to life than just being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
is now available in version 3.1 with real kung-fu kicking action.
- I’m looking for my lost shaker of salt...
- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it... For example, I'm now sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
- I do many things well...None of which generate income…
- Calories don't count on a weekend, neither does liver damage, caused by the imbibing of copious amounts of alcohol. Yay weekend!
- There's a little angel that flies around and hits people that I love... I hope she beats the crap outta you!
- I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and sealed in airtight containers.
- If you’re riding uphill in a canoe and your wheel falls off, how many pancakes does it take to fit in a doghouse?
- I’m a weapon of mass distraction!
- I think the only difference between people with tattoos and people without, is tattooed people don't care if you don't have tattoos.
- Huked on fonix werkd fer me!
- I’m now available in five new shades of crazy.
- I'm in that awkward stage between jail bait and cougar.
- I can be mean. What’s your superpower?
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- I don't even understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon.
- Rotisserie: A Ferris Wheel for chickens.
- I’d like to remind everyone that if you're too open-minded, you're brains WILL fall out!
- There is always too much month left at the end of my money!
- I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer!
- I think we should have mandatory common sense training at work.
- I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
- What a great week! I made it through without needing bail money or having any of those messy "hide the body" episodes...
- I want to buy a cow and name it Dinner.
- The meaning of dedication is wetting yourself while playing hide and seek so that you don't give up your hiding spot!
- I sometimes wake up grumpy ... other times I let my partner sleep!
- The problem with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
- I live vicariously through myself.
- I fail Englished? That's unpossible!
- Today's hangover is brought to you by the letters B-A-C-A-R-D-I!
- I've been on an emotional roller-coaster lately ... the other day ... my mood ring exploded ...
- I’m trying to eat healthier. Wine counts as a fruit, right?
- You think I'm crazy?!?! Have you SEEN what I had as a role model?!?
- ___________/\_______\o/_____________ AAARRRGGGHHH!!! SHARK ATTACK!!!
- Note to self: Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- I'm not a stalker, I just want to talk and maybe follow you home!
- _/\_/\_/\________/\_/\_/\_ ... for a minute there you bored me to death.
- I think the Tooth Fairy is creepy and is secretly using teeth to frame people for various crimes.
- I tried being normal but I didn't like it so I went back to being me.
…Now available in the "Limited Time SOBER Edition"!!!
- There's plenty of room for God’s creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.
- I wonder if crabs think humans walk sideways.
- Have you ever noticed the word bed actually looks like a bed.
- Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
- Let's share. You'll take the grenade, I'll take the pin.
- People think onions are the only vegetable to make you cry...not true! My friend got hit in the face with a cabbage thrown from a car and she cried!
is God's favorite.
- Did you know I knew that you knew I knew you knew?
- I was planning on bringing sexy back, but can't remember where I put it.
- Due to a total lack of interest Monday is cancelled!
-I said to myself, "Self," and I knew it was me cause I recognized my voice and I was wearing my underwear, "You should get up and make a sandwich."
- I’m just out on a day pass.
-I’m right and you know it.
- I’m going to go spend a few million dollars of your money on myself to improve your economic situation. What? It doesn't work that way?
- I realize now that the police never think it's as funny as I do.
- I have a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.
- Which section will you be sitting for all eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
- If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat?
- I hate when the karma train is late.
- NOTICE: If you noticed this you may notice this is not worth noticing. Thank you for noticing.
- Would you like the yellow crayon? It tastes like bananas!
- I love my crazy friends. They have the best pills.
- I would like to kick Mother Nature in the crotch!
- Nothing like a little torrential downpour to dampen your day!
- I am retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.
- I was born to shop but forced to work…
- Why worry about work, when work obviously doesn't worry about you???
- I’ve been cleaning so much I MUST have two ugly sisters somewhere.
- I’m multi-slacking!
- Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend.
- Nice day...if you're a duck…
- Can anyone remember the recipe for summer?
- I wonder if this global warming is going to hurry up, because I’m sick of being cold!
- When I take over the world, Old Man Winter will be executed.
- I just saw a UFO outside in the sky...it was big, round and yellow...anyone know what it was!?
- I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
- I just entered into a serious relationship with a bottle of wine.
- Dear, Friday: You and your friends, Saturday and Sunday, need to come by more often. I've missed you. Love your biggest fan, me.
- I’m off to that EVIL place where they keep her pay check.
- I think my intelligence is misunderestimated irregardless of my enourmousish vocabularity.
- I was told they broke the mold after I was born...but I keep seeing this little person who is just like me.
- Congratulations! You're a successful parent...your kids hate you!
- I may seem completely random, but it all makes sense in my head.
- Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take???
- Today's show is brought to you by the letters W, T, F.
- I’m seriously considering letting my inner bitch out on parole if I keep having days like this.
- Good morning world! And what new hell do you plan on putting me through today???
- Dear Pringles: Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
- Life isn't about being who everyone wants you to be. It's about being yourself and finding someone who loves every bit of it.
- The most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you when you were not very lovable.
- I’m being attacked by Monday! Get it off me, get if off me! :)
- I have to remember that patience is a virtue and that murder is punishable by 25 years to life.
- Hold on...my train of thought hit a cow
- No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
- I just realized the true definition of family. "People related by blood, who think they have the right to abuse and attack you emotionally and get away with it!”
- Today I am proudly sporting my big girl cranky pants.
- I’m having one of those 'Please Approach with Caution' days.
- I am standing on the fine line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.
- Why is it that when we talk to God it is called Praying, but when God talks to us it is called Paranoid Schizophrenia?
- Note to self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
- I'm so lovable they gave me my own special jacket just so I can hug myself.
- I think that as long as my boss pretends to pay me well, I will pretend to work hard!
- Hello, Friday! I missed you.
- I’m always trying to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
- I don’t have an anger problem. I have an idiot problem.
- Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually, it took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
- I'm sarcastic...what's your super power?
- Beauty is only skin deep, but without skin you'd just look gross.
- Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect...it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
- Be normal and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged and they will make you their leader.
- I will give you back the scissors if you stop making those stabby motions.
- I am on strike! I will not be talking to anyone, until my demands are met. I want a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels!
- True friends are hard to find, luckily, I've found mine.
- I’m running away and joining the circus. No wait...I have kids...this is the circus.
- Yay for talking to people on the phone while you're on the toilet!
- I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be, but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!
- Middle age is when you choose cereal because of its fiber content, not the free toy!
- My attention span would much longer if things weren't so damn shiny!
- I love working on days like this. If I was off, I'd just get sunburned and drink too much. Thanks work, for looking out for me.
- Having kids means knowing that whatever else you did or didn't do, you gave the world something beautiful.
- Psst...Hey you...yeah you...you're my favorite...don't tell the others!
- If you’re dancing with your honey, and her nose is kinda runny, and you think its sorta funny, well itsnot.
- I like mornings...that start at 11:59am.
- I’m here to remind you that we can't all be the princess. Someone has to sit on the curb and clap as I go by.
- I’m suffering from amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
- Good morning fellow Facebook addicts. Today's meeting is now in session.
- I ask for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!
- I just realized that my "give a damn" is broken today. Fortunately, my "go screw yourself" is still working.
- I hate when I can’t understand what I’m hearing while eavesdropping!
- How can we disagree when I’m so right?
- You call it kidnapping, but I call it surprise adoption.
- My 6 packs are now officially a Family Pack.
- I have OC/DC. It's just like OCD except it rocks!
- I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand. It's the two-handed people who beat the crap out of me.
- Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you're lying becomes less important.
- I'm not Jesus, but I can turn water into Kool Aid.
- I'm not trying to impress anyone here, but...I can totally swim without floaties.
- I refuse to go Bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I refuse to go out because of one too.
- I just took a Lunesta and washed it down with a 5 hour power energy drink. Let the battle begin.
- If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.
- I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
- Female anatomy jokes aren’t funny. Period.
- I was just wondering how much orange pop was in a can. I guess I should stop Fanta sizing and get back to work…
- It was so cold this morning and I couldn’t find my ice scraper, so I used my Old Navy discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield. It didn't work though…I only got 10% off.
- Operation "This isn't going to End Well" Is a GO!!!
- Really feels like I should tidy up, so I'm just gonna lie here and wait for that feeling to pass…
- Today, I’m suffering from Brainfartitis.
- I could be a morning person . . . if morning happened at NOON!!!
- My short term memory isn't what it used to be. Also, my short term memory isn't what it used to be.
- Mosaics are one of the most exquisite forms of art, just like broken people that God has skillfully put back together are stunning!
- Damn! I zigged when I should've zagged!
- Dude, I think my check liver light just came on.
- I’m having a "Bite Me" kind of day.
- If insanity is repeating the same things over and over while expecting a different result can I NOT go to work due to mental illness?
- I would rather have a pap-smear with a rake then go to work today...
- A morning without coffee is like...uh, yeah...I don't know. I need more coffee...
- I think waffles are pancakes with little syrup cups.
- Procrastinators will one day rule the world! ... Just not today…
- Today is the day that one of the greatest persons on earth was born in 1973. Let's all take a minute to pause and thank God that I was born.
- I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes…I HAVE always been this awesome.
- My sole purpose in life ... is merely to annoy you ...
- I'm not evil! I'm just misunderstood. (long pause) And evil.
- If you noticed this notice, your notice was noticed and the notice was noted.
- Ever have one of those days where it feels like you are being shoved into the wall face first over and over and over again?
- This status is in Spanish when you aren't looking.
- People, people, people! Calm down! You all know I'm a dork, but hey, that's what makes me amazing!
- I just put some snow tires on my car. Pretty useless really…they just crumbled as soon as I pulled away.
- I’m not bothered by being alone, because I’m already in the company of an interesting person.
- Be nice to me - with minimum effort I can make things very, very difficult.
- I’m just like you. Only better.
- I’m not perfect. But now that I’ve admitted this, I am.
- I’m like catnip, but for people.
is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that she may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if she is right for you.
<-- Results not typical.
is an acquired taste. If you don't like her, acquire some taste.
- I’m radiating the alluring, seductive glow of pure awesomeness today!
- I wish I were you, so I could be friends with me!
- If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
- Today's forecast: Partially moody with a chance of I don't like you.
- My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with her.
- Snow is a four letter word.
- I asked my kids to load the dishwasher and they handed me a bottle of wine! I guess “load the dishwasher” means to get mom drunk!
- Don’t scare me. I poop easily!
- A cup of coffee in the morning is the equivalent of being slapped in the face...but with flavor. Bring the pain little bean. Bring the pain.
- I’ll procrastinate later.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
- If a vegetarian eats animal crackers are they still a vegetarian?!?
- Here, take these scissors and run down the steps with them.
- Why not take the ex out tonight? One bullet should do it!
- Handling teenagers is as easy as nailing jelly to a ceiling...
- I’m selling my encyclopedias because I have teenagers who know everything.
- If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark that throws up people until they are forced to open a beach.
- There are two ways to impress a man 1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer.
- Crayons, check... helmet, check... Prozac, check... OK, I'M READY FOR WORK!
- There has to be more to life than just being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
is now available in version 3.1 with real kung-fu kicking action.
- I’m looking for my lost shaker of salt...
- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it... For example, I'm now sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
- I do many things well...None of which generate income…
- Calories don't count on a weekend, neither does liver damage, caused by the imbibing of copious amounts of alcohol. Yay weekend!
- There's a little angel that flies around and hits people that I love... I hope she beats the crap outta you!
- I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and sealed in airtight containers.
- If you’re riding uphill in a canoe and your wheel falls off, how many pancakes does it take to fit in a doghouse?
- I’m a weapon of mass distraction!
- I think the only difference between people with tattoos and people without, is tattooed people don't care if you don't have tattoos.
- Huked on fonix werkd fer me!
- I’m now available in five new shades of crazy.
- I'm in that awkward stage between jail bait and cougar.
- I can be mean. What’s your superpower?
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- I don't even understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon.
- Rotisserie: A Ferris Wheel for chickens.
- I’d like to remind everyone that if you're too open-minded, you're brains WILL fall out!
- There is always too much month left at the end of my money!
- I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer!
- I think we should have mandatory common sense training at work.
- I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
- What a great week! I made it through without needing bail money or having any of those messy "hide the body" episodes...
- I want to buy a cow and name it Dinner.
- The meaning of dedication is wetting yourself while playing hide and seek so that you don't give up your hiding spot!
- I sometimes wake up grumpy ... other times I let my partner sleep!
- The problem with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
- I live vicariously through myself.
- I fail Englished? That's unpossible!
- Today's hangover is brought to you by the letters B-A-C-A-R-D-I!
- I've been on an emotional roller-coaster lately ... the other day ... my mood ring exploded ...
- I’m trying to eat healthier. Wine counts as a fruit, right?
- You think I'm crazy?!?! Have you SEEN what I had as a role model?!?
- ___________/\_______\o/_____________ AAARRRGGGHHH!!! SHARK ATTACK!!!
- Note to self: Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- I'm not a stalker, I just want to talk and maybe follow you home!
- _/\_/\_/\________/\_/\_/\_ ... for a minute there you bored me to death.
- I think the Tooth Fairy is creepy and is secretly using teeth to frame people for various crimes.
- I tried being normal but I didn't like it so I went back to being me.
…Now available in the "Limited Time SOBER Edition"!!!
- There's plenty of room for God’s creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.
- I wonder if crabs think humans walk sideways.
- Have you ever noticed the word bed actually looks like a bed.
- Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
- Let's share. You'll take the grenade, I'll take the pin.
- People think onions are the only vegetable to make you cry...not true! My friend got hit in the face with a cabbage thrown from a car and she cried!
is God's favorite.
- Did you know I knew that you knew I knew you knew?
- I was planning on bringing sexy back, but can't remember where I put it.
- Due to a total lack of interest Monday is cancelled!
-I said to myself, "Self," and I knew it was me cause I recognized my voice and I was wearing my underwear, "You should get up and make a sandwich."
- I’m just out on a day pass.
-I’m right and you know it.
- I’m going to go spend a few million dollars of your money on myself to improve your economic situation. What? It doesn't work that way?
- I realize now that the police never think it's as funny as I do.
- I have a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.
- Which section will you be sitting for all eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
- If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat?
- I hate when the karma train is late.
- NOTICE: If you noticed this you may notice this is not worth noticing. Thank you for noticing.
- Would you like the yellow crayon? It tastes like bananas!
- I love my crazy friends. They have the best pills.
- I would like to kick Mother Nature in the crotch!
- Nothing like a little torrential downpour to dampen your day!
- I am retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.
- I was born to shop but forced to work…
- Why worry about work, when work obviously doesn't worry about you???
- I’ve been cleaning so much I MUST have two ugly sisters somewhere.
- I’m multi-slacking!
- Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend.
- Nice day...if you're a duck…
- Can anyone remember the recipe for summer?
- I wonder if this global warming is going to hurry up, because I’m sick of being cold!
- When I take over the world, Old Man Winter will be executed.
- I just saw a UFO outside in the sky...it was big, round and yellow...anyone know what it was!?
- I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
- I just entered into a serious relationship with a bottle of wine.
- Dear, Friday: You and your friends, Saturday and Sunday, need to come by more often. I've missed you. Love your biggest fan, me.
- I’m off to that EVIL place where they keep her pay check.
- I think my intelligence is misunderestimated irregardless of my enourmousish vocabularity.
- I was told they broke the mold after I was born...but I keep seeing this little person who is just like me.
- Congratulations! You're a successful parent...your kids hate you!
- I may seem completely random, but it all makes sense in my head.
- Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take???
- Today's show is brought to you by the letters W, T, F.
- I’m seriously considering letting my inner bitch out on parole if I keep having days like this.
- Good morning world! And what new hell do you plan on putting me through today???
- Dear Pringles: Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
- Life isn't about being who everyone wants you to be. It's about being yourself and finding someone who loves every bit of it.
- The most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you when you were not very lovable.
- I’m being attacked by Monday! Get it off me, get if off me! :)
- I have to remember that patience is a virtue and that murder is punishable by 25 years to life.
- Hold on...my train of thought hit a cow
- No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
- I just realized the true definition of family. "People related by blood, who think they have the right to abuse and attack you emotionally and get away with it!”
- Today I am proudly sporting my big girl cranky pants.
- I’m having one of those 'Please Approach with Caution' days.
- I am standing on the fine line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.
- Why is it that when we talk to God it is called Praying, but when God talks to us it is called Paranoid Schizophrenia?
- Note to self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
- I'm so lovable they gave me my own special jacket just so I can hug myself.
- I think that as long as my boss pretends to pay me well, I will pretend to work hard!
- Hello, Friday! I missed you.
- I’m always trying to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
- I don’t have an anger problem. I have an idiot problem.
- Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually, it took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
- I'm sarcastic...what's your super power?
- Beauty is only skin deep, but without skin you'd just look gross.
- Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect...it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
- Be normal and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged and they will make you their leader.
- I will give you back the scissors if you stop making those stabby motions.
- I am on strike! I will not be talking to anyone, until my demands are met. I want a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels!
- True friends are hard to find, luckily, I've found mine.
- I’m running away and joining the circus. No wait...I have kids...this is the circus.
- Yay for talking to people on the phone while you're on the toilet!
- I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be, but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!
- Middle age is when you choose cereal because of its fiber content, not the free toy!
- My attention span would much longer if things weren't so damn shiny!
- I love working on days like this. If I was off, I'd just get sunburned and drink too much. Thanks work, for looking out for me.
- Having kids means knowing that whatever else you did or didn't do, you gave the world something beautiful.
- Psst...Hey you...yeah you...you're my favorite...don't tell the others!
- If you’re dancing with your honey, and her nose is kinda runny, and you think its sorta funny, well itsnot.
- I like mornings...that start at 11:59am.
- I’m here to remind you that we can't all be the princess. Someone has to sit on the curb and clap as I go by.
- I’m suffering from amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
- Good morning fellow Facebook addicts. Today's meeting is now in session.
- I ask for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!
- I just realized that my "give a damn" is broken today. Fortunately, my "go screw yourself" is still working.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)