March 21, 2011

‎- Car manufacturers need to get with the program! I can't be the only one that wants a Death Ray option.

- ‎"Your Status has expired. Please deposit $1.25". ~FB Meter Maid

- Just once I would like to see a tampon commercial where the actress actually has a normal period.  Where she’s all cranky and eating a Snickers bar…not happy and playing sports!   False advertising!

- All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.

- I did 26 sit-ups this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

- I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

- Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn't always write.

- There are things money can't buy, but Ticketmaster is working on ways to charge you for them

- Diarrhea would be a beautiful name, if it didn't mean diarrhea.

- Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their mom's bad driving.

- The hardest thing about learning to ride a motorcycle is the ground.

- “LIKE" this if you automatically start panicking when you can’t feel your phone in your pocket.

- I don't get drunk - I get awesome!

- I took the red pill and woke up broke in Vegas. Thanks, Morpheus.

- Each day gives you an opportunity to change something in your life. I use that opportunity to change my underwear.

- I’m not a stalker I’m just bad with goodbyes.

- In this day and age it’s really a shame that laundry is still segregated.

- They should make a medal for anyone who uses a whole tube of chapstick before losing it.

- A double entendre is when I don’t know what the hell you’re saying. Twice.

- The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.

- I can confidently say I’m 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.

- Women have to shave our armpits. Whose idea was that? That's a concave area with a straight razor. The best I can do is a mohawk.

- That awkward moment when someone you don't like sends you a friend request, then you decline. Then they send another one.

- I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to get into this bar.

- Read somewhere that there are 32 accepted spellings for Ghadafi. May I also suggest "K'Daffy."

- I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".

- While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

- All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.

- Immature:  A word boring people use to describe fun people.

- I threw my iPhone with the "flight mode" turned on, but it didn't fly...

- Electrolux:  Teaching women their place for over 50 years.

- Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't corrupt me?!

- Whenever I go to the pet store I feel compelled to ask the store clerk "Where all da bitches at?"

- Anyone know what the weather's like in India?  Never mind…I’ll just call AT&T.

-  The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has to be learning how to fart quietly again.

- The factory of the future will have only two employees...a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.

‎- Dear 2011, Stop trying to be 2012...

‎- The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dirty dishes in it.

‎- In my day, we had My Space, too. And it extended five feet in every direction.

‎- Bad: Having a song stuck in your head. Worse: Having a song stuck in your head and you don't know all the words.

- Every time you lie to your kid and tell them that some dumb thing they did is "great"... you're potentially creating the next Ke$ha.

- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

- In honor of those who would if they could… I’m going back to bed.

‎- There are only two levels in lion taming – “expert” and “cat food”.

‎- 50% of my weirdness makes the other 50% creepy.

‎- I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

‎- My nephew has just earned his first Boy Scout award for ‘video gaming’. I guess the next ones will be for ‘social ineptitude’ & ‘pale skin’.

- WARNING: May cause extreme awesomeness!

‎- My life would be a lot easier if when shopping online there was a “Sort by least ugly” option.

- BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.

‎- I bought a book yesterday. A real one with paper! And you have to turn pages and everything! I'm living like a cave person. Life is hard.

- I was the Home School Valedictorian.

‎- Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

- At the store today I saw a lady who had drawn on her eyebrows. When I told her she drew them on too high she looked rather surprised. 

March 1, 2011 - Funny Pics

Don't worry...they're not real!

March 1, 2011 - Unemployed for one full week now...

- I want to work for the Attitude Adjustment Bureau.


- Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck.


- Just to be sure, I write "This Is You!" on all my mirrors.


- You know those intense unexplained pains you get sometimes? You deserve those.


- I think I'm going to take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.


- When I get multiple friend requests and messages on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.


- There's a thin line between love and hate. I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it...


- Kilometers are shorter than miles. I'll be taking my next trip in kilometers to try and save some gas.


- I run for 2 reasons: 1.) Running to get food (2.) Running to keep from being food.


- I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.


- Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.


- I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.


- How am I supposed to be impressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?


- “Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she’s a monster wearing a crap ton of makeup.” -Maybelline


- The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?


- The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.

- So I’ve narrowed it down and I’m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.


- Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.


- I have trouble even monotasking.


- I bet my dog rolls her eyes when I tell people on the phone how busy I am.


- I always feel like I just passed my “Best If Used By” date.


- About 50% of parents “friend” their children on Facebook. The other 50% find less technological ways to embarrass their kids.


- At the mall this weekend...The angry parents screaming for their son "Marco!!!" did not find it amusing when I kept yelling "POLO!!!" back at them from my dressing room.


- Evolution is just nature’s way of issuing upgrades.


- An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.


- “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - Said a farmer to a barren tree.


- Do headphones just tie themselves in knots while we're not looking?


- You know that you're broke when your bologna has no first name.


- Hi, welcome to Hollister. Would you like a flashlight?


- Free Tibet* --- *with the purchase of another Tibet of equal or greater value.


- If you watch '127 Hours' backwards, it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

- When work feels overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday.


- I'm hooked on ebonics. Tru dat, dawg!


- Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.


- I'm gonna start lifting up my shirt, showing off my gut, and demanding to be called The Fatuation.


- The kid from Two and a Half Men looks more like Natalie from the Facts of Life everyday.


- Tonight marks the 83rd Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars.


- I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

- Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"

- Another long day at the office. Well, for someone.  I was home on the couch watching TV all day.

- I'm just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

- Thanks, confirmation e-mail telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you?



- It must be awkward when GPS navigation tells gay people to go straight.  o_O
 
- People who copy and paste stuff from other people's status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment



- The worst part of telling your friend you got laid off is probably when they try to high five you at the "laid" part.
 
-  If you asked me to guess what perfume the lady next to me is wearing, I think I'd have to say every one she owns.
 
- "No, ladies, you can't play with us, but you can dress sleazy and encourage us." -The guy who invented cheerleading.



- Eskimos moved in next door. Can I still call them that? I don't have to say "Arcto–Americans" or some crap, do I?



- If smokers can get smoke breaks, non smokers should get fresh air breaks.



- FACEBOOK:  HELPING OVERTHROW GOVERNMENTS SINCE 2011!
 
- Whenever someone says "Expect the unexpected" I get the urge to smack them and say "It's not as good as it sounds, is it?"
 
- Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she'll be awake.



- At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself.
 
- I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.
 
- I've been eating thin mints like crazy and I haven't lost a pound!
 
- You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.




- I think "going to the gym" should mean more than just walking there and then walking home.

- Real cases, real people, real emotional abuse...JUDGE JUDY



- I hate when I'm laughing and my ass falls off.
 
- I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.
 
- They took a nationwide poll to see what type of natural disaster people feared the least. Avalanche won by a landslide.



- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.


- I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.
 
- Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
 
- Does this comic book collection make me look single?
 
- I could literally eat every day and not get sick of it.
 
- I’m going through a phase of categorizing my life in phases. I call this one my ‘phase’ phase.
 
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.