- Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.
- Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.
- I looked out the window & watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes & thought WOW dogs are so easily entertained. I then realized I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
- I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I'm in an FBI van.
- Hallmark is totally missing out on the You're Welcome card market.
- Walking in the rain to get a burrito, just like they used to do in the Mediaeval times.
- Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.
- Remember what was. Anticipate what will be. But live in the moment that lies in between.
- Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
- Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
- I consider myself a crayon, sure I miqht not be your favorite color, but one day you will need me to finish ur picture....
- She digs though her purse in the middle of Easter service, frantically regretting her Cee Lo ringtone choice.
- When I eat a chocolate bunny I bop it on the head first to show respect to the field mice that lost family in the 'Little Bunny Foo Foo Massacre'.
- I’m no scientist but you’re an idiot.
- I’d rather have the girl from The Ring pop out of my TV than have that stupid “Congratulations you've won” voice ever scare the crap out of me again.
- Fact: Chuck Norris was once on celebrity "Wheel Of Fortune" and was the first to spin. The next twenty-nine minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly waiting for the wheel to stop.
- I sure do feel a heck of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym...
- Holy crap! I just found out time travel is possible! You can go to 2004 by just following this link: www.myspace.com
- I just ate from an unmarked tupperware container at the back of the fridge. I think it was chicken yogurt.
- If "dress for the job you want" were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
- My bus pass has a first name it’s N-O-C-A-R.
- I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.
- It's so hard to find a good pair of professional work shoes that light up.
- What if car bumpers were filled with candy, so if you got in a car crash, it would explode like a piñata. "Sorry about the crash, but look! Free candy!!!"
-Some big dude just asked me if I know where a pay phone is. This can only mean two things. 1) The year is 1984...and 2) I must find and hide Sara Conner.
- If you need a friend...text me. If you need a laugh...call me. If you need a hug...stop by. If you need money...this number is no longer in service.
- Dear tongue, can't touch this. Love, Elbow.
- I'll be filing today's events in my "sometimes it sucks to be me" file for future reference.
- I wish there was a medium version of caps lock so you can show you're enthusiastic about what your saying but its not mistaken for angry yelling.
- Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
- Google: rendering your know-it-all friends useless since 1997.
