June 15, 2011 - Been away for FAR too long!

- I'm pretty certain that it's easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.


- "Nobody knows who I am." - Anonymous


- I leave the message BEFORE the beep.


- Where did it ever say that Humpty Dumpty was an egg?


- If I look intrigued while you're talking to me, it's because I'm thinking about how it would be possible to care less about what you're saying.


- Every time a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my balcony just to show them what I'm capable of doing.


- Whenever I ruin lunch, I instantly blame the pan. Stupid, stupid pan.


- I just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.


- Whenever I need moment to myself, I just go on over to Myspace.


- I've reached the age where I can't function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.


- If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.


- Facebook tip: Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.


- If the people in movies listened to me they would have lived.


- Having kids is like being at a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer  Next question." "No, you can't really fly."  Next question."


- I've discovered that if you have a friend who is a big Star Wars fan, he'll pass you anything you wish if you tell him you've been trying to use "The Force" to get it.


- I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'd be worth at least 50 cattle in some parts of the world.


- I'm addicted to placebos.


- So Facebook is coming out with new software that uses facial recognition to automatically tag all pictures posted.  Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever. 


- I don't let a lack of "likes" discourage me.  I have family for that.


- I'm the Tina Yothers of obscure references.


- After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion the very few turtles ARE actually ninjas.


- Think of a number between 1 and 10.  Multiply it by 5.  Divide by 2.  Close your eyes... Dark isn't it?


- I just ate like that day on Survivor when they're allowed to eat.


- I’m worried about my financial future. Even daylight has a better savings plan than me.


- Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.


- Pretty much every decision I make revolves around food or if I'll be able to sit down.


- Speak for yourselves. Everybody was NOT kung-fu fighting. I went camping that day.


- Mr. shit meet Mr. fan, now hit it.


- If 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter she'd kick my ass.


- Anybody know of a good job for someone that hates people and working?


- If I ever spontaneously combust, I truly hope that it's around somebody I can't stand and that they're wearing their favorite outfit.


- Thanks to my workout ethic this year I got a trophy. No, wait...I mean "atrophy."


- Oh, I'm a "people person." I'm just not a "people other than me person."


- My diet was going really well today until I woke up and remembered how much I love food.


- This is the time every night where I try to convince myself that I will feel even better with 5 hours of sleep rather than 6.


- We had funny animal videos in the 90's, too...we just had to watch them with Bob Saget.


- I'm pretty sure Jason Kidd and Baraka from Mortal Kombat are related.


- I think Facebook is ruining my life. I'm going to log off and I'm not coming back...for at LEAST an hour!


- My therapist doesn't understand that laying in bed for hours Facebooking and Twittering is the same thing as "socializing."


- So if they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country...why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?


- I'm a hoarder, but it's all in my head.


- Can I just drop it like it's lukewarm? It's been a long day and I'm tired.


- 1. Stand between two full length mirrors. 2. Shake ya ass. 3. Watch yoself.


- I forgot to tell you guys I'm at the gym so if you need to get a hold of me I'll be at the gym and I'll talk to you after I leave the gym.


- Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.


- Once you understand that your success doesn't depend upon the failure of others you'll probably become less of an asshole.


- If I say "excuse me" first, then I should have free reign to do whatever I want.


- Why cant they all be happy meals?


- I need to find a job so I will know what day of the week it is.


- If you want to be a part of my life you will only communicate with me via electronics.


- I'm not ever going to fly Virgin. Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?


- "Like a kid in a candy store" is pretty much equivalent to "Like an adult in Costco."


- The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.


- Today is so hot I'm almost jealous of it.


- My soul is an old pick-up truck with fuzzy dice on the rear view mirror and "WASH ME" on the back window.


- They may help me taste things but I'm not quite ready to commit to calling them my 'buds.'

April 30, 2011

- Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.

- Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.

- I looked out the window & watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes & thought WOW dogs are so easily entertained. I then realized I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.

- I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I'm in an FBI van.

- Hallmark is totally missing out on the You're Welcome card market.

- Walking in the rain to get a burrito, just like they used to do in the Mediaeval times.

- Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

- Remember what was. Anticipate what will be. But live in the moment that lies in between.

- Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?

- Insomnia causes questionable browser history.

- I consider myself a crayon, sure I miqht not be your favorite color, but one day you will need me to finish ur picture....

- She digs though her purse in the middle of Easter service, frantically regretting her Cee Lo ringtone choice.

- When I eat a chocolate bunny I bop it on the head first to show respect to the field mice that lost family in the 'Little Bunny Foo Foo Massacre'.

- I’m no scientist but you’re an idiot.

- I’d rather have the girl from The Ring pop out of my TV than have that stupid “Congratulations you've won” voice ever scare the crap out of me again.

- Fact: Chuck Norris was once on celebrity "Wheel Of Fortune" and was the first to spin. The next twenty-nine minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly waiting for the wheel to stop.

- I sure do feel a heck of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym...

- Holy crap!  I just found out time travel is possible!  You can go to 2004 by just following this link: www.myspace.com

- I just ate from an unmarked tupperware container at the back of the fridge.  I think it was chicken yogurt.

- If "dress for the job you want" were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.

- My bus pass has a first name it’s N-O-C-A-R.

- I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.

- It's so hard to find a good pair of professional work shoes that light up.

- What if car bumpers were filled with candy, so if you got in a car crash, it would explode like a piñata. "Sorry about the crash, but look!  Free candy!!!"

-Some big dude just asked me if I know where a pay phone is.  This can only mean two things.   1) The year is 1984...and 2) I must find and hide Sara Conner.

- If you need a friend...text me.  If you need a laugh...call me.  If you need a hug...stop by.  If you need money...this number is no longer in service.

- Dear tongue, can't touch this.  Love, Elbow.

- I'll be filing today's events in my "sometimes it sucks to be me" file for future reference.

- I wish there was a medium version of caps lock so you can show you're enthusiastic about what your saying but its not mistaken for angry yelling.

- Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.

- Google: rendering your know-it-all friends useless since 1997.