December 20, 2010

- Who's the jerk that invented the faucet handles you have to hold down?


- When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.


- Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me it's a Transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.


- There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.


- Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.


- If “new” things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.


- Signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.


- I think if you wRiTe LikE DiS you need to go back to MySpace. It’s annoying. Grow up.


- I’m updating my resume. What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months"?


- Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.


- Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.


- What does it mean when a guy calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean, aside from the fact that he works for MasterCard™.


- Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. What a sad state of affairs.


- Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.


- Am I the only one that flips back and forth like a little kid when I discover 2 radio stations playing the same song?


- If I had a dollar for every time that I wished I had a dollar......


- My friend said she thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.


- I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.


- This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.


- If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies. Just sayin’.


- Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you.


- An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.


- Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless. You can still be used as “the bad example”.


- Vodka + Ice damages your kidney. Rum + Ice damages your liver. Whiskey + Ice damages your heart. Gin + Ice damages your brain. Damn you, Ice! How much more damage can you cause?


- There has to be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."


- I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.


- Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.


- My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.


- Born to get forced to work.


- My cow just died yesterday and I don't need your bull!


- On this site in 1897...nothing happened.


- No noose is good noose.


- Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.


- Well…I’m awake. This is not a good start to my day.


- So far we have 3 inches of “no accumulation”. Thanks, Weatherman!


- Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".


- They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.


- I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.


- I began to slip this morning while going to my car, but I turned it into a wicked moonwalk instead. I gots mad skillz!


- I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.


- I need to take a Wikileak.


- Don’t leave alphabet soup on the stove. It could spell disaster.


- Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind!


- I hate it when I’m telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

- There is no I in team, but there are four in platitude-quoting idiot.


- Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.


- I’m an apathetic sociopath. I'd kill you if I cared.


- Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.


- A good friend will take you to the hospital if you slip into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.


- I totally take back all of those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid.

- Now with more cowbell.



- Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.


- I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people, "Have you seen this person?"


is in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.


- The main trouble with mental notes is that the ink fades sooooo fast.

- I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

- Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

- What was Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand?

- They say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late.


- If Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.


- I wonder what people in China call their good dishes?

- Hello, Laundry…my old nemesis. So we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played, evil villain. Well played.

December 15, 2010

- Helen Keller’s favorite color was corduroy.


- My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

- I just played the greatest work game ever: While on the phone with a man, call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

- I designed the Metrodome roof and Windows 7 was my idea.

- Latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress. And you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.

- All of these Brett Favre jokes are as old as Brett Favre.


- Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke, I am your father."


- Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. And I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows. Winter Blows. Winter Blows.


- This is my cup of care \_/. Oh look, it’s empty. Hmmm…


- If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?


- If this phone were actually smart, it wouldn’t let certain people call me.


- Today is my favorite day of the week to be melodramatic about what day of the week it is.


- I’m feeling kinda vague.


- The size of my snow angel makes me realize I need to go to the gym.


- Tuesday has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

December 13, 2010

- Poems that don't rhyme are just really weird sentences that make people feel awkward.



- To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.


- Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*


- Someone go outside and tell me how cold it is.


- ♫ Oh the weather outside is the weather.... ♫


- Where do you go if you're addicted to rehab?


- I love my husband for his money. On a completely separate note…Ugh! I’m HORRIBLE at math!


- Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure, the less sure I am!


- I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.


- I got food poisoning yesterday. I’m just not sure who to use it on yet.


- Does anyone know a good site where I can Google a few things?


- I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you forget the valuable lesson.


- I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"


- When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"


- When you are feeling down because everyone is against you just remember that....Nationwide is on your side.


- I’m an office zombie: Bored to undeath


is "not for everyone. Clinical tests show that ____ may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if ____ is right for you."


- I’m just not the same since that house fell on my sister…

- When I go, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully and asleep. Not like the passengers in his car, screaming for their life.   (Thanks, BlueKnight)

December 10, 2010

- You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.



- I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal.


- Is it just me or any time someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head?


- What's another word for synonym?

- Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.


- I am a member of the Jehovah’s witness protection program.


- My neck is sore from whipping my hair back and forth...


- If meat is murder then tofu is prison rape.


- I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"


- When I die, I want to be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.


- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


- Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.


- What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!?!"


- Throughout all this freezing weather and snow we’ve been getting, all my kids have done is stare through the window. I guess if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let them in…


- At what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?


- I just caught my kids arguing over who loves me more. It would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love her more!"..."uh uh YOU love her more!!!"


- I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.


- Dear Scissors, I feel your pain... No one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Al Gore


- I’m afraid we have differing opinions on your level of awesomeness.

- I don’t turn on a light when I go to sleep because I’m afraid of the dark…the dark turns a light on because ITS afraid of ME.


- Though we’ve made many advancements in science, sadly, pimpin’ STILL ain’t easy.


- BBC News: 'Friendly fire UK death probed' ........ As if dying wasn't enough...


- I need to pace myself, because I've already filled 95% of my box of awesome and it isn’t even noon yet...oh, see...96%!


- Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.


- Send me your credit card # and brand to my inbox and I'll post what I bought myself with your money.


- One of the hardest choices I have had to make in my adult life, give my change to the bell ringer outside of Wal-Mart or spend it in the toy vending machine in hopes that I get the cool watch I was wanting.


- In memory of John Lennon who died 30 years ago today. Did you know the only vegetable he ate was broccoli? I'm happy he finally decided to give peas a chance...


- At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.


- I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet.

- Snooze Button: Because all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap.


- ‎7-11 is developing a new wine. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness.


- I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday". Just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on that day!


- If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull...then I don't want to see your tribal tattoo.


- When I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.


- When I was your age, our video games consisted of big dots eating little dots while being chased by other dots who went in the other direction when my dot ate a special dot....


- I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.


- Telling me I can't is like asking me to prove you wrong!


- Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.


- Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.


- How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places?


- I saw a can of Lysol that was "original" scent. What the heck does "original" smell like?


- Why are wedding dresses white? Because all household appliances come in white.


- So I was just asked if I knew where the nearest payphone was located. Ummm…1998?


- Most people don’t act stupid – it’s generally the real thing.


- Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.


- I am at that point in the day where I point out that point in the day.


- I think swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.


- I hate people that say, "She's a nice person once you get to know her." They might as well just say, "She's a jerk, but you'll get used to it."


- I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.


- I just got back from the doctor. Turns out I have soap poisoning. Thanks a lot mom!!!


- I will NEVER predict the future.


- If you thought the Vuvuzelas at South Africa were annoying, wait until you hear the automatic weapons the Russians bring to the World Cup.


- I’ve been working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.


- Remembering things on my own makes me feel like I'm cheating on Google.


- I answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me really hard in the shin! I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry. It’s just nasty bug going around.


- I'm sorry, did someone say something about global warming? Let me remove my 3 extra layers of clothes, hat, gloves, scarf, long johns, and earmuffs, and get comfortable under my electric blanket and then you can tell me ALL about it.


- Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then please still copy this. It's important to spread the message...


- I’m pretty sure it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!


- Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?


- Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.


- I was at the grocery store and the cashier asked me if I wanted, "Paper or plastic?" I told her it didn’t matter because I'm bisacksual.


- I’m asking for donations to help me with a very difficult thing to talk about. You see, I need a tropical vacation because I’ve been hit extremely hard with the “I hope your kids turn out to be just like you” curse. Please help…


- The trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.


- The best revenge is success…or laxatives in cookies.


- The biggest inner struggle is when you really have to pee but you’re too lazy to get up.


- #192.168.1.1- I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router.


- Modern tragedy... Dumb people with smart phones.


- I started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.


- wonder I dyslexics if can this. read


- In the news: “Police squad helps dog bite victim.” ........... You'd think they would be trying to STOP it!?!


- I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone!

December 3, 2010

- :): The Bipolar smiley face


- The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things.

- Sometimes while I drink my coffee I stare out the window and ask myself, "How many people am I going to cuss out today?"

- RIP to all the snowmen who died fighting the sun.


- I’m so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.



- Sometimes my life feels like a choose-your-own-adventure-novel gone bad.


- Apparently my boss has NOT heard the saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."



- I’m definitely older. Not sure about wiser...


- Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.


- Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.


- "Duct tape" - finding a cure to noise pollution, one mouth at a time.

Benjamin Franklin Quotes

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.


Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.

A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain, and most fools do.

At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgment.


Be civil to all. Sociable to many. Familiar with few.


Be not niggardly of what costs thee nothing, as courtesy, counsel, and countenance.


Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship.


Clearly spoken, Mr. Fogg; you explain English by Greek.


Creditors have better memories than debtors.


Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!


Despair ruins some, presumption many.


Diligence is the mother of good luck.


Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is made of.


Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.


Genius without education is like silver in the mine.


Half the truth is often a great lie.


He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.


He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.


He that waits upon fortune, is never sure of a dinner.


He that won't be counselled can't be helped.


He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on.


He who multiplies riches multiplies cares.


I am for doing good to the poor, but I differ in opinion of the means. I think the best way of doing good to the poor, is not making them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it.


I am for doing good to the poor, but...I think the best way of doing good to the poor, is not making them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it. I observed...that the more public provisions were made for the poor, the less they provided for themselves, and of course became poorer. And, on the contrary, the less was done for them, the more they did for themselves, and became richer.


I am what I am and that's all that I am and if I'm supposed to be somebody else, why do I look like me?


If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles.


If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge pays the best return.


If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be if without it?


If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.


If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.


In general, mankind, since the improvement of cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires.


Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.


Kill no more pigeons than you can eat.


Let no pleasure tempt thee, no profit allure thee, no ambition corrupt thee, no example sway thee, no persuasion move thee to do anything which thou knowest to be evil; so thou shalt live jollily, for a good conscience is a continual Christmas.


Let the child's first lesson be obedience, and the second will be what thou wilt.


Mankind are very odd creatures: one half censure what they practice, the other half practice what they censure; the rest always say and do as they ought.


Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure, when he is really selling himself a slave to it.


Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.


Many have quarreled about religion that never practiced it.


Many men die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they're seventy-five.


Mine is better than ours.


Most fools think they are only ignorant.


My refusing to eat flesh occasioned an inconveniency, and I was frequently chided for my singularity, but, with this lighter repast, I made the greater progress, for greater clearness of head and quicker comprehension


Necessity never made a good bargain.


No nation was ever ruined by trade.


Nothing gives an author so much pleasure as to find his works respectfully quoted by other learned authors.


One today is worth two tomorrows.


Our new Constitution is now established and has an appearance that promises permanency. But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.


Poverty often deprives a man of all spirit and virtue; it is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.


Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.


Serving God is doing good to man, but praying is thought an easier service and therefore more generally chosen.


Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because it is hurtful.


Success has ruined many a man.


The absent are never without fault. Nor the present without excuse.


The discontented man finds no easy chair.


The eye of the master will do more work than both his hands.


The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart.


The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but it is still nonsense.


The most exquisite folly is made of wisdom spun too fine.


There is a difference between imitating a good man and counterfeiting him.


Those who beat swords into plowshares usually end up plowing for those who don't.


Thou can'st not joke an enemy into a friend, but thou may'st a friend into an enemy.


Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.


To bear other people's afflictions, everyone has courage and enough to spare.


To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.


Vice knows she's ugly, so puts on her mask.


We are more heavily taxed by our idleness, pride and folly than we are taxed by government.


When I was young and had time to read, I had no books. Now that I am old and have the books, I have no time to read.


Who has deceived you so often as yourself?


You can bear your own faults and why not a fault in your wife?


Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains, after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.

December 2, 2010

- I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get THEM to sign it.




- Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.


- While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.


- Violence is never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is: “What is never the answer?”


- I can't believe I just got fired from my job at the calendar factory. They told me I was allowed to take 5 days off and when I did they freaked out.


- A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.


- Captains Log: Stardate 3.1415926535 - I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today.


- Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.


- I hate to see my food go to waist.



- Morning cardio routine: Stretch. Gravity Hand Slam on snooze button. Pull arm back under covers. Roll over. Wait 9 Minutes. Repeat



- So teenagers these days can just about do anything with a any phone, computer or camera. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I had a new cordless phone that stored 10 numbers and I could make a call from outside my house within distance.



- I love the wind in my hair and the sun shining on my face while horseback riding. Oh crap...I need another quarter!



- My frose is nozen.



- Justin Bieber wins at the American Music Awards...reason enough to declare war on Canada.



- I thought I wanted a career, but years of experience have taught me that what I really wanted was just the paychecks.



- The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it's still on the list.



- No, your “other” counterclockwise.



- My life coach just benched me.



- Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."



- The tension in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender.


- Just when you think you have buried the past, they find another body...


- Dear Lord, please give us back Leslie Neilson and will let you have Justin Bieber, Richard Simmons or Snooki...your pick. Or take them ALL and give us Leslie!?


- It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.


- I always hold out my hand when someone is counting money in front of me. Just in case.


- Pouring milk on Doritos and pretending it's cereal isn't as good of an idea as I thought it would be.



- I failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world." Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.



- WARNING: If you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat, DON'T OPEN IT!!! It's SPAM.



- My life has a superb cast. I just can't figure out the plot.



- Does TSA make house calls...or did I just get scammed?!



- I woke up this morning and there’s a white powdery substance all over the ground outside. I’m staying home from work today. That stuff could be Anthrax!



- To all the people in the world who think they don't need deodorant: YES YOU DO!



- I won't take no for an answer! Unless the answer I want is no…then I’ll take no for an answer.



- I’m having second thoughts…which confuses me because I completely skipped the first ones.



- I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.


- I think that the most fearless thing I did today was take a sip of my coffee without checking to see if it was too hot.


- My New Year's Resolution is to travel back in time and stop Jersey Shore from EVER being made.


- US Military is experimenting with robots. Part of new program code named, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Rise Up and Kill Us."


- We can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.


- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.



- If I joined Earth, Wind & Fire, I think the element I'd want to be is Surprise.



- I had to use my AK this afternoon. Still, it was a good day, as I only used it to scratch my back.



- They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is, are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?



- I am pretty sure that J Lo plus butter equals Snookie



- People say that money can't buy happiness. I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.



- I saw this on a t-shirt today: Plan A: Marry hot girl. Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook. Plan C: Ramen Noodles.



- I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.



- Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"



- What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat.



- 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. 'Sort of' is just a filler. 'Sort of' doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'



- To save time, let's just assume I know everything.



- When will it be socially acceptable to drink queso from a straw?



- I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.



- Why is "one" the loneliest number? I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed "number two."



- I have a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.



- I just wrecked myself. I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.



- Everyone has a story. I’ll sleep through yours next.



- If cows didn’t want to be eaten, they’d move faster.



- I’ve learned that the one thing I can always count on is my fingers.



- If your internet ever goes out, just give me a call, tell me what web pages you wanted to visit, and I'll describe them to you. I’m a true friend.



- I can't believe that it's the year 2010 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.



- I don't like it when other shoppers look in my cart in the grocery store. They’re trying to steal my ideas! Go think up your own dinner!



- People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.



- NOTE TO SELF: Please stop writing yourself notes. Love, Self



- 79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, some good news for the homeless.



- Don't add foreign words to your text messages in an attempt to sound intelligent. It will backfire and make you look like a pillock. Comprende?



- I'd like to thank meth addicts for making buying allergy and cold medicine and giant pain in the butt.



- Friends don't let friends wear mullets.



- Easy Bake Oven, Teaching Girls Their Place Since 1963



- If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my winnings is hiring Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.