December 15, 2010

- Helen Keller’s favorite color was corduroy.


- My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

- I just played the greatest work game ever: While on the phone with a man, call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

- I designed the Metrodome roof and Windows 7 was my idea.

- Latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress. And you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.

- All of these Brett Favre jokes are as old as Brett Favre.


- Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke, I am your father."


- Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. And I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows. Winter Blows. Winter Blows.


- This is my cup of care \_/. Oh look, it’s empty. Hmmm…


- If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?


- If this phone were actually smart, it wouldn’t let certain people call me.


- Today is my favorite day of the week to be melodramatic about what day of the week it is.


- I’m feeling kinda vague.


- The size of my snow angel makes me realize I need to go to the gym.


- Tuesday has been cancelled due to lack of interest.