November 17, 2010 - Part 1

- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


- On a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 how OCD are you?


- The new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!


- I was going to bring sexy back, but I lost the receipt…


- Maybe the TSA is just offering prostate screenings as part of Obama's healthcare reform???


- Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.


- I was at McDonald’s today where a rather large woman served me. When she finally gave me my order she said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually."


- What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre


- People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.



- When I die…THIS will be will have on my tomb stone, "See!? I told you I was SICK!"


- The Twilight saga: It's like Star Wars for chicks.


- People who use sporks can't be trusted.


- Every time you post a cryptic Facebook status update about someone because you don't have the guts to say who you are talking about, I'm going to assume it's about me. I hate you, too!


- I am feeling whelmed. Overly so.


- There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.


- Facebook has made it completely impossible to claim that you were unaware of your friend's birthday.


- I try to cut down on the number of mistakes I make at work by coming in late.


- You stereotypes are all alike!


- I feel like Nick Nolte's mug shot.


- If a creepy person asks why you never add your location to your Facebook Status updates, it's probably a good idea to never add your location to your Facebook Status updates.


- Facebook saved me from a terrifying “keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself” addiction.


- I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."


- I’m beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.


- It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.


- The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.


- "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.


- Every time you say "Act your age!" I hear, "Be sad and boring with me!"


- "Confidence" is the feeling you have just before you really understand the problem.


- Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.


- I don’t call it drinking alone. I call it partying with my fantasy curling team.


- I don't really *want* to go drinking tonight, but I almost have perfect attendance at the bars this week and I can't mess that up.


- You can't spell "nachos" without "chos."


- I took a vitamin a couple years ago. I hope it's still working.


- There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Well, fear itself…and swimsuit season.


- Obviously you could careless about proper grammar and word usings.


- Synonym: The word you use when you don't know how to spell the other one.


- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.


- Apathy is a dish best served at whatever temperature.


- The bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the garbage. Worst roommate ever.


- So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.


- spellcheck is for the week.


- Sorry, but I just don't see how this meeting will help me with my blossoming career in Farmville.


- I took some time off from Facebook and got a LOT of work done. Won't make that mistake again...


- I drink coffee to fill the large void in my life where a nap should be.


- I would be a better listener if I could listen by talking.


- I better get back to work. These scissors aren't going to run with themselves...


- I’m wondering if all these adverbs are actually completely totally necessary?


- Passive-aggression: Because it's fine. No. Really. It's fine.


- I need to hit the treadmill tonight after eating so poorly today and yesterday and the last 37 years.


- I have some very good inside information about Apple's next product: I will not be able to afford it.


- My New Year’s resolution is to change the world's negative perception of cellulite.


- Pretending to work whilst at work is starting to become a full-time job.


- If plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.


- I don’t know which word makes me giggle more: "stimulus" or "package."


- "You will not sucks forever." Thanks, fortune cookie.


- You won't think it's so funny when I defenestrate you.


- Sleep is for cowards. And emotionally secure people.


- Why does Facebook bother to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome. But you knew that already…

- I’m not laughing at you…I'm laughing near you. And pointing. At you.


- I’ve mastered the art of verbal combat and sarcastic witticism.


- Your incessant rambling goes perfectly with my terrible listening skills.


- As it turns out...disappointment DOES have a name.


- I do not gossip, I emotionally speculate.


- It's unlikely I have any business participating in next year's fashion trends.


- Today is a day for firm decisions. Or is it?


- NO, I am not feeling tired or under the weather today! I just forgot to put on mascara! Jerks.


- I like being vague, because it’s almost as fun as doing this other thing.


- The art of conversation is, like, kinda dead and stuff.


- It’s funnier now that I get it.


- Medicine is the best medicine.


- You'll never regret carrying a koozie.


- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".


- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


- This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.


- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."


- I feel stupid when I write the word banana. It’s like how many na's are on this thing? Cause I'm like … Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.


- "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.