December 30, 2010

- I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs…


- Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.


- Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.


- I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

- They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.


- I have to stop playing Call of Duty: Black Ops! I swear, today at work I tried to upgrade my stapler.


- Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's "butterflies in your stomach" or just "bubble gut"


- My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit.


- This “everything” bagel is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.


- I haven't been to work in four days. I almost forgot how to play solitaire and minesweeper.


- Does anyone know of a quick test to tell if you're cool? I mean...obviously...I'm just asking this for a friend....


- I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas to fight...I'm starting to think I'm living in the wrong city....


- I’m the only person that has been able to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.


- Oysters are fantastic!...If you like the taste of snot that’s been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.


- If you can’t say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.


- I just don't like the look of my hands. That's why I always keep them at arm’s length.


- Before I was a mom I had two theories about raising children. Now I have 2 children and absolutely no theories.


- Crazy?! I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner!? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me! Bugs?! I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy!? I was crazy once...


- One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!


- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....


- I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.


- Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.


- I like to think that when I die, I’ll get to see my stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.


- I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth". I just want to scream "YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"


- Whenever I sing my husband goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors he’s not beating me.


- I don’t set out to shock or offend anyone, but I also don’t do anything to prevent it.


- Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!


- Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? No? That’s because it hasn't come out yet.


- I've been told that hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.


- The lady next to me in this restaurant just asked if she could “please get a teabag”. *_* Hard…to…suppress…giggles!


- I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.


- I just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve. ‘Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo’ was robbed again!


- Just once I’d like to write out a check in crayon…


- I was standing by the door and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit.” Because if there was a fire I wouldn’t run?


- The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.


- Due to flooding, the schools are closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school. Uphill. Both ways.


- Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.


- I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.


- It just isn’t fair that there are children starving in Africa, and I wake up looking this good…


- Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also…weak arms.


- Fubu shirt - $100. Rocca Wear sweatshirt - $80. Sean John hat - $50. Realizing you're white... Priceless.


- If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.


- If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?


- See, you think I give a crap. Wrong! In fact, while you are talking ,I'm thinking, “How can I give less of a crap?” That's why I look so interested...

- Word of advice: Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!