- I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.
- I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.
- I miss Gary Coleman. I grew up with him...he just never did.
- I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.
- Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm!!!
- There will never be true equality until men have to wear underwear with under-wires that lift and separate.
- Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon.
- Am I the only one with a friend that I don't like to eat with, because they chew their food like they’re mad at it?!
- If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.
- Oh you graduated from DeVry?! Which month were you?
- There are two sides to every argument but I don’t have time to listen to yours.
- My friend just hired an Eastern European housekeeper. It took her 5 hours to sweep the carpets in the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
- A man’s best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.
- People either respect me or they fear me. Or they point at me and laugh. Actually…mostly that last one.
- I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs.
- When I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours. If I had a rock and a roll of Caps...It was a Good Day!
- Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality?
- If genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration, I’ve had some wicked smart cab drivers.
- The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors.
- Never be mean to a girl in glasses, because she will most likely turn out to be hot and popular by the end of the movie.
- Growing up on Disney movies has left me so disillusioned about small woodland creatures and their willingness to help me with my chores.
- Seriously ma’am there’s a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.
- There are two sides to every argument but I don’t have time to listen to yours.
- I’d like to leave you with one thought. But I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.
- If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?
- “Because you’re crazy” should be a legitimate reason to fire someone.
- One word for the Jonas Brothers. Hanson.
- I don’t like walking around with change in my pocket, because then I have to spend all day lying to homeless people.
- Psychotherapy is like the board game Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."
- When the lady at Wal-Mart with 5 screaming children all under the age of 8 wants to know how the condoms got in her cart @ checkout ... I will just say, "You're Welcome".
- If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why can’t we have Starbucks trucks in the winter?
- On TV shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don’t have a box. Should I have a box?
- Al Gore said we would have days like this...no...wait...scratch that.
- When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to. Ya don’t want to just send those texts out willy-nilly!
- Did you know 25% of car accidents in Canada involve a moose? Stupid Canadians! Stop letting them drive!
- FYI...First person to complain about the heat this summer is getting punched in the face.
- I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done...
- .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.
- Frozen water balloon fights...not a good idea.
- Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.
- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.
- Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
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