- I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography. Before it comes out I’m going to sue myself.
- Is 24-hour banking really necessary? I mean, who has time for that!?
- I’m a trophy wife. Obviously it wasn’t first place.
- Why don’t you ever see advertisements for string?
- Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed!
- “Want to get a drink?” “Later:” “How about now?” “Later.” “Now?” “Later.” “Now?” –If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend.
- I nicknamed my urethra Franklin.
- I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
- If by Jared’s you mean Wal-Mart, then yes I got it at Jared’s.
- Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard.
- I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
- On my tombstone I want it to read: "I didn't forward the e-mail to 15 friends..."
- And now, a few words by Stevie Wonder... ".. ...:.. ::.... .. . .:.:: ... :.::..." Pretty deep right? I damn near cried when he said, ".:.:: ... :.::..."
- "In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.
- Tomorrow Facebook will change its settings to allow zombies to come into your house while you sleep & eat your brains with a sharpened spoon. To stop this from happening go to Accounts/Home Invasion Settings/Cannibalism/Brains & un-check the "Tasty" box.
- You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
- You’re not completely worthless…I can at least use you as a bad example.
- It’s not the big failures I mind so much. It’s the constant pitter patter of little defeats.
- Dear Division, Do it. I dare you. Sincerely, Zero.
- My company is going green, so I made my coffee Irish.
- Egypt needs a new president. I need a summer job. This could be perfect.
- Egomania: a disease that makes everyone sick except the carrier.
- It’s cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words.
- Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
- Apparently there are stupid questions. They’re the ones I ask my wife.
- If I’m reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.
- My girlfriend warned me that if I got her one more stupid gift she would burn it. So I got her a candle.
- I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
- “I see people.” – The Fifth Sense
- “Oh crap, of course!” - Unicycler seeing a bicycle
- I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
- Thursday: The teaser Friday
- Censorship makes me sooo (bleeping) angry!
- What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
- We need a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. Like, "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth!"
- They're called "Skinny Jeans". Not "Make You Skinny Jeans.
- I’m fixing dinner tonight. I need to get home and open that jar of peanut butter so it can breathe.
- Just once I'd like a bride to walk down the aisle to "The Imperial March" in place of "Here Comes the Bride".
- If I am ever on life support and you pull my plug, wait 5 minutes and plug it back in. It seems to work great on my modem!
- Grammar are our friend.
- How do we not have light sabers yet? It’s like scientists aren't even trying!
- Most of my status updates are only available on vinyl.
- Be nice to your neighbors. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good scream and your bad scream.
- I’m stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it.
- The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was so confused. What's left over wine???
- Yesterday the house was clean. Sorry you missed it.
- Save a baby seal...Club a liberal.
- I keep a lighter in my back pocket at all times. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.
- I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat. So....
- The McDonald's Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- BRING ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!!! …Or some cupcakes. Whichever…
- "Where are we going...and why are we in a hand basket?" --Me...when I die.
- WHEW! I just had a full slab of chicken ribs for lunch, and I'm STILL hungry!
- Decaffeinated coffee is useless brown water.
- I swear to tell the truth...the half truth…and nothing like the truth…so help me Bob…
- My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers!!!
- It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Isn't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work…
- We're only 4 years away from when Back to the Future 2 happens.
- We're responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
- What did things taste like before there were chickens?
- Roaches must be so pissed that they aren't ruling the world yet.
- At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
- I wonder if butterflies get humans in their stomach when they're anxious?
- Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin.
- If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen."
- I just got a paper cut… We’ll just see if I recycle this week… Stupid tree.
- Dear REALLY Cool Car Owner, Seems your car felt the need to take 2 parking spots today. I read once that this is caused by a lack of social skills, so that’s why I dinged it up a bit and left this message via key. Just trying to help it ‘fit in’.
- Just took the 'road less traveled'…found Waldo...
- 'Supervision' isn't nearly as cool as it sounds…
- When I'm sad I sing… And then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.
- I'm not shy. I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.
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