All Things Facebook

- It’s annoying when I get a notification and realize it’s about a post that I commented on a week ago. It’s lost its luster by then. There should be a statute of limitations on such things.


- Facebook needs a "That's what she said" option.


- As of today I will no longer use "lol" after my comments or posts...I will now use "snicker".


- I hate having to delete Facebook "friends" that I like, even though they don't give a crap about me. I wish there was a Facebook jail to put them in for 30 days.


- Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.

- Even after creeping through all of your profile pictures, I still have no idea who you are or what you look like since there are 20 people in each of your photos.


- My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really…where am I going?



- Facebook: helping people stay in touch with their ex’s they shouldn't be staying in touch with, one break up at a time


- Thank goodness for these new profiles... without them, I might never have known that so many of my friends speak English.

- I wonder if Facebook is hiring?  I already put in my 40 hrs this week!

- Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Man of the Year. Ironically, Facebook has been named Time Waster of the Year.


- Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.



- The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it.

- 82 notifications later and I regret liking your status.

- This one isn’t that funny, keep scrolling.



- I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.


- When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." Immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos?!?"


- Sometimes I intentionally post a status that is not freakin’ hilarious just so my friends think I'm human.

- My dog ate my status.

- Remember when only the really cool people were on Facebook? Oh, you weren’t here then? Oops, my bad.



- You can steal my status updates if you like, but I lick every single one before I post them.


- If any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.

- There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.



- My other Facebook wall has a scenic view.

- Your status updates leave a bad taste in my eyes...

- Maybe if my boss saw how many statuses I can drop in a day, she’d stop saying I’m unproductive.

- Every time someone uses "your" when they should be using "you're" on Facebook, an angel punches a kitten in the face.

- If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

- I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.

- Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in quite some time.

- I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be "Nobody" so when I see stupid crap people post, I can "Like" it and it will say "Nobody Likes This".

- Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.

November 12, 2010

- The Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts while they were stranded. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.


- I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my blanket fort.


- Whenever I see signs that say ‘slow pedestrians’ or ‘slow children playing’, I can’t help but picture people in helmets playing in the street.


- Face? Facebook? Who used to be for connecting with friends? Who has recently been taken over by 'why what’s up?' Who should really take care of this issue soon? Yeah I know it. Why what's up???


- My neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.


- Our company is having a chili cook-off today at 12:30. The "crop dusting" begins about 2 hours later.


- You should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.


- I have a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot.


- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


- Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.


- I came to a fork in the road…which was awesome, because I had just picked up my Chinese take-out and they didn’t put any plastic ware in the bag!


- I am not anticipating any emergencies.


- I can't remember having a more memorable time.


- If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.


- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.


- Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.


- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.


- I always proof-read to make sure I didn’t any words out.


- Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?


- Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.


- When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number.


- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


- The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three... he was the genius.


- To make things simple...let's automatically assume that everything I say is right.


- The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].


- "I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes.""Have you seen a doctor?""No, just spots."


- Don't judge a book by its movie.


- Not the sharpest crayon in the tool shed, are we? oh wait...