February 11, 2011

- I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

- I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

- I miss Gary Coleman.  I grew up with him...he just never did.

- I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

- Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm!!!

- There will never be true equality until men have to wear underwear with under-wires that lift and separate.

- Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon.

- Am I the only one with a friend that I don't like to eat with, because they chew their food like they’re mad at it?!

- If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

- Oh you graduated from DeVry?!  Which month were you?

- There are two sides to every argument but I don’t have time to listen to yours.

- My friend just hired an Eastern European housekeeper.  It took her 5 hours to sweep the carpets in the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

- A man’s best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

- People either respect me or they fear me. Or they point at me and laugh. Actually…mostly that last one.

- I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs.

- When I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours.  If I had a rock and a roll of Caps...It was a Good Day!

- Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality?

- If genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration, I’ve had some wicked smart cab drivers.

- The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors.

- Never be mean to a girl in glasses, because she will most likely turn out to be hot and popular by the end of the movie.

- Growing up on Disney movies has left me so disillusioned about small woodland creatures and their willingness to help me with my chores.

- Seriously ma’am there’s a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.

- There are two sides to every argument but I don’t have time to listen to yours.

- I’d like to leave you with one thought. But I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.

- If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?

- “Because you’re crazy” should be a legitimate reason to fire someone.

- One word for the Jonas Brothers.  Hanson.

- I don’t like walking around with change in my pocket, because then I have to spend all day lying to homeless people.

- Psychotherapy is like the board game Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."

- When the lady at Wal-Mart with 5 screaming children all under the age of 8 wants to know how the condoms got in her cart @ checkout ... I will just say, "You're Welcome".

- If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why can’t we have Starbucks trucks in the winter?

- On TV shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don’t have a box. Should I have a box?

- Al Gore said we would have days like this...no...wait...scratch that.

- When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to.  Ya don’t want to just send those texts out willy-nilly!

- Did you know 25% of car accidents in Canada involve a moose?  Stupid Canadians!  Stop letting them drive!

- FYI...First person to complain about the heat this summer is getting punched in the face.

- I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done...

- .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.

- Frozen water balloon fights...not a good idea.

- Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.

- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.

- Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?

Current Events

February 2011


Egypt:

- Mubarak would like everyone to know he’s now available to oppress people at weddings and birthday parties.

- I have been watching all the rioting in Egypt on TV and have yet to see somebody walking like an Egyptian.

- I remain concerned that without Internet access, the people of Egypt may not know that Charlie Sheen is okay.

- Everything ██is█████ ████ ████fine ███ █ ████ love. ████ █████ the ███ Egypt ███ ████ government ██.

- Let’s hate on the Egyptians while they can’t get online!!!

- Now that the Government of Egypt has banned all internet traffic, do we just call it Gypt?

- Latest news from Egypt: نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست I will keep you informed if anything else changes.

- If Mumbarak was smart, he’d have gotten The Black Eyed Peas to empty out Tahir Square two weeks ago.

Taco Bell:

- Bravo, Taco Bell, for your beefesque product.  Even if it is only 35%...I say just eat 3 of them...that makes it 105%.

- Taco Bell is going to re-brand itself as "64% Vegan".

Superbowl:

- The Superbowl halftime show looked like the talent show from Revenge of the Nerds.

- If only Slash could have played for the other 13 minutes it would have been a great halftime!

- Watching Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the Superbowl made me wish I was blind.

- Ten bucks says Slash had no idea where he was.

February 8, 2011

- It’s been Monday all week.  (to be used on a Monday)

- I’d work out, but I’m still trying to perfect my “before” picture.

- Quietest Place on Earth… The Ninja Library.

- I’m not stalking you, I’m just lurkin’ for love.

- I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says…

- I kinda feel weird when my computer asks if I’d like to continue unprotected…

- I either get what I want or I change my mind.

- Next week I’m going to have an MRI to find out if I’m claustrophobic.

- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

- If you are what you eat, I’d like to order something rich.

- How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?

- You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it?  It turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

- I’m wearing my ninja shirt today. It has ninjas all over it, but most people just think it's a blank shirt.

- My friend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month!  Well, you know what they say...Elephants never forget.

- Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

- Everyone's suitcases all look the same.  That's why I always pack my stuff in a treasure chest.

- My greatest regret in life is not being a billionaire.

- If a mime shoots someone, does he have to use a silencer?

- It's not a mood if you’re always in it... Then it's just your personality.

- Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called, "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

- Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say

- Lately I've been doing some soul searching.  I still haven’t found one.

- Did you ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?

- My goal for today is to not post anything stupid on Facebook and to learn how to boil water.

- Nobody's phone is ever off.  They're lying.

- I set the temperature of my room to "room temperature".  It seems to be the best temperature for my room.

- Telling me to calm down is the only guaranteed way to piss me off.

- I'm not ignoring you, I'm denying your existence.

- I think that if someone says “plz” because it's shorter than “please”, then you should say “no” because it's shorter than “yes”.

- One thing I miss about childhood is being able to throw a snowball at someone's head without the authorities getting involved.

- I discovered last weekend that if you play a Justin Bieber album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Bieber.

- You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

- I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, “Wanna bet?!”

- Don't you just love nature? Despite what it did to your face…

- I like rice…especially when I'm in the mood for like 2,000 of something...

- I was so much more productive hundreds of Facebook Status updates ago.

- My dad probably can't beat up your dad anymore.

- If friends could be bought at the store, I’d buy you. And I’d get a good deal because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted.

- I had a fight with my shoelaces this morning. It ended up in a tie.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite distraction.

- When looking up something in Google, if it’s not on the first page of search results, it does not exist and my journey ends there.

- Exercise machines are just torture devices with better marketing campaigns.

- 80% of life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.

- I’m pretty sure that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

- If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

- Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures.  You can't trip on something behind you.

- Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ™, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A Non-Government Employee

- The only thing technical about a technical college is that it’s actually a community college.

- When in history was there an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones?

- Cheerfulness is contagious; Be immunized today.

- Go sell crazy somewhere else. We’re all stocked up here.

- I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take.

- Disney World Rule: Children under the age of 12 must be accompanied by money.

- Proof Reading...it's impotent.

- I’d eat more salads if they didn't taste like vegetables.

- I'm about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings.

- How do you put an end to the circus?  Go for the juggler.

- A Droid is an awesome thing...for me to poop on!  (Sent from my iPhone)

- Stalking is such a strong word...I prefer the term “Surveillance Expert”.

- Don't blame me for your lack of self-esteem...That's why it's called SELF-esteem.

- WARNING: If you get a message from somebody and it has the subject title "Link to Ashley Simpson videos", DON'T OPEN IT!  It's not a virus or anything, but her music is terrible.

- I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.

- My next door neighbor’s battery died in his Smart car today.  I had to give him a jump start from my iPhone.

- I saw a sign at the mall that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'.  I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself…

- I get distracted by all the meats in the deli section.  It must be because of my short attention spam.

- I always thought that holding on was the strongest thing a person could do, now I see that it's letting go that takes an enormous amount of courage & strength.

- I just had a fight with my alarm clock.  It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake... Not sure who won...

- Attention fuels immaturity.

- Would it change the way you feel about me if I admitted that I have a special love for the Bee Gees?

- I can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

- Dear Lean Cuisine, Your microwave lunches are too small. My body does not get 35MPG like most people. I get more like 12MPG with a strong tail wind. Please help. Love, Me

- Note: All restaurants are drive-thru if you drive hard enough.

- The only thing some people can achieve on their own is dandruff.

- Vuja De; The feeling you’ve never been here before.

- A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

- Boldly going nowhere…

- When I’m hungry, I eat! When I’m happy, I smile. When I run, I generally walk.

- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

- You know you’re invisible when the automatic faucet rejects you.

- You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.

- Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

- Working out sucks...maybe I'll just spring for liposuction and 639 muscle implants.

- A lot of people believe they came from monkeys.  I’m not going to argue with them.

- It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

- If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sang the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

January 28, 2011

- I was gonna listen to that last lame song you posted, but then, ummm, yeah...I just carried on living my life.



- I grunt when I play Wii tennis. It’s all about intimidation.


- Plan B includes margaritas.


- Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?


- I live every day like it’s my first. There’s a lot of crying and sleeping involved.


- Facebook. Where people you don’t know are better friends than your real friends.


- My business is awkward smiles and poorly executed high-fives, and business is good.


- I know you’re broke, but that doesn’t mean I want you to be my sugar-free daddy.


- Open your eyes, people! ‘The Three Little Pigs’ was written by bricklayers.


- Despite their name, riot police don’t have much of a sense of humor.


- When writing a resume, it’s much more valuable to say you are an expert at “replicate and repurpose functionality” than “copy and paste.”


- Wore camouflage pants once. Still can’t find my legs.


- I listed Starbucks as my emergency contact at work.


- I'm not a social drinker. It's mostly work related.


- If you can read, then this status doesn't apply to you.


- I’ve decided to become "The silent type." I'd let you know how that works out, but…you know…silence...


- Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his iPad to comfort him, I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain. But only in Flash.


- The me who wakes up in the morning has zero respect for the me who set the alarm the night before!


- Last time I checked, it bounced.


- I'm not pointing out your flaws. I'm pointing out my traits that are better than yours.

Valentine's Day

- My new diet is heavy on local, seasonal foods.  Mostly Valentine’s Day candy from the Walgreens down the street.

- Remember when making a mix tape was the perfect Valentine's gift?

- Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's chocolate involved.

- I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures just to get to the florist. He must have really screwed up.

- Remember – with Valentine’s Day only days 
away, it’s not too late to break up.

- If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

- Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.

- It's better to have loved and lost than to have spent the rest of your life with that psycho. Happy Single Person's Awareness Day!

January 27, 2011

- When you go cow tipping, do you only tip 15-20% of them?



- Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.


- Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you?


- I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced.


- Did you know that 'Go Hang A Salami' is 'I'm A Lasagna Hog' backwards? You’re welcome.


- Stalking is such a strong word. I prefer “extreme follow the leader” .


- If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?


- Time flies when I throw my alarm clock across the room.


- ...And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!


- Attention Kids in High School: If you're complaining that Facebook is "becoming Myspace"... it's because of you. Please stop complaining and use Facebook for what it was made for...to lurk on other peoples photos.


- I finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep the ashes out of the fireplace.


- I need to have a fixed income. Mine is broken.


- I don’t accept blame well, but it's not my fault.


- RIP Jack LaLanne. I wonder if he’ll be buried, cremated or juiced?


- You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.


- When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.


- If I ever find out who keeps shrinking my pants, I'm going to strangle them. Then I'm going to steal all of their candy.


- 3 ways to die early: Smoking = 5 years early. Alcohol = 10 years early. Loving someone who doesn't love you = You die daily.


- Can we please have a minute of silence for the women who’ve lost their boyfriend/husband to COD: BLACK OPS.


- Dear Yahoo, I’ve never heard someone say "I dunno let’s 'Yahoo It." Just Saying. Sincerely, Google.


- It's been said that Obama hasn't had a cigarette in 9 months. If that's true, then why does it feel like he's still blowing smoke up my butt?


- Is anyone else not surprised by the news that Taco Bell’s “meat” isn’t really all meat? That didn’t even merit a “WHAT?!” from me. Turns out I love “Extender” tacos!


- Taco Bell Meat Ingredients: Beef, Water, Seasoning, Isolated Oat Product, Salt, Chili Powder, Onion Powder, Oats. Now…you may be thinking that oats don’t belong in tacos, but hear me out. Oatmeal is heart healthy. Therefore, Taco Bell = Heart Healthy.


- Is it just me, or does anyone else's cold medina taste a little funky?


- I have a friend who’s a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.


- If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.


- Life got so much easier when I decided to become part of the problem and not part of the solution.


- Never could figure out why my career as tpyist came to a sudden ned.


- Please don’t ever change! I always want to be better than you.


- If the waitress doesn’t have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.


- The clothes I wear on laundry day make me look like an alien in a movie when kids dress it to look like a human.


- Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie.


- Words: For when an emoticon just isn’t enough.


- Quit embarrassing me in front of my friends, iPod shuffle.


- Stephen Tyler looks like he’s made from leftover pieces of Mickey Rourke.


- I refuse to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.


- I’m not goofing off. I’m impersonating upper management.


- I’ve been eating healthier. By that I mean I’ve stopped cooking.


- Hard work never hurt anybody. But I’m hoping the boss will be first.


- I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.


- Today I’ve decided to rename things in the office to start with “i” like Apple. There’s iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday…


- Sailors drink beer by the galleon.


- A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.


- “Ooh goody, I have an email!” – me, forgetting about the email I sent myself NOT ONE SECOND AGO.


- Just once I’d like the chip on someone’s shoulder to be a Pringle.


- I always work as if I own this business. Turns out I’m a lazy owner who just doesn’t care if the whole thing goes down the tubes.


- Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.


- I bet you wish it was called male pattern badness.


- I’m taking the underground route to work today. I’ll be following the sewer system, sticking to the sides where it’s dryer with nothing but a rat hammer. Yes…I’m afraid this is a sewerside mission.


- Sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for... I'll be right back.


- I’m just typing some words in a box for you to look at.


- Twitter = I need to pee. Facebook = I peed! Youtube = Watch this pee! LinkedIn = I pee well.


- Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.


- When your only tool is a set of stairs, every coworker looks like a Slinky.


- When it’s cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it’s frustrating out I wear my UGH boots.



- My children are taking me to lunch. I get to choose where. And drive. And pay.


- Dear Diet Coke, I feel like you’re overreacting. Sincerely, Mentos.


- I like to think that if my dog was able to use a computer, his password for everything would be my name followed by random numbers.


- This yogurt is so cultured that I can only eat it when I’m listening to Beethoven.


- The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me “Amiga”. Am I in a gang now?


- Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.


- Indecision may or may not be my problem.


- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


- “I love the north pole and hate the south pole! No wait…I love the south pole and hate the north pole!” ~ a bi-polar bear


- “We will, we will paper you!” – Band that’s more awesome than Queen


- Might buy a junkyard just to grow my own junk food.


- I need constant reassurance, right?


- I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.


- I’d like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.


- You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.


- My dentist just won Dentist of the Year. All he got was a little plaque.


- Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at home = weird. Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at work = chef.


- If you can’t face it, moon it.


- The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.


- A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.


- The Food Network should air a disclaimer before all its programs. “Warning: the following show features stunts performed by chefs who didn’t have to worry about washing dishes, afterwards.”


- Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!


- The dog is following me around like I’m made of meat. Wait a minute…


- Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.


- I’m giving my co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.


- In only two weeks I’d forgotten how exhausting work can be. Tomorrow I think I’ll just watch.


- You never hear skinny people saying, “I’m just small boned.”


- “Age is just a number.” “Yeah? Jail is just a room.”


- On the other hand… You have different fingers.


- I always start what I finish.


- Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.


- Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.


- They used to be called Jumpolines until your mom bounced on one back in ’52.


- NEVER try to self-diagnose online. It almost always ends up making you think you’re dying. WebMD should just be renamed “EnjoyYourCancer.com”.


- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?


- If you do a Google Image search for the number ’241543903′, you will find out why the human race is so fantastic.


- Snow Tip: The other people out shoveling are called “neighbors.” They are like Facebook friends who live nearby.


- The Hypochondriac’s Epitaph: “NOW do you believe me!?”


- I’m sorry, DIRECT TV, I could care less if I can pause my DVR in one room and resume in another. Want to impress me? Free movie channels forever. Or send me a miniature giraffe. Either one.


- A disgruntled bubble wrap factory worker could shoot 20 men and no one would turn their heads.


- I have no problem keeping secrets. It’s the people I tell…



- Zoo animals don’t know they live in a gated community.


- Nudist Camp sign : Sorry, Clothed for Winter.


- Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.


- AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.


- The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.


- How long does guacamole last in the fridge? Please say a year.


- Lawyer (n): Larval stage of Politician.


- If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.


- There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.


- We must believe in free will. We have no choice.


- About 90% of conversations between guys are just made up of quotes from movies.