January 26, 2011 (Some Old, Some New, All Funny)

- ‘Vegetarian’ is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."



- I hate when I can’t understand what I’m hearing while eavesdropping!


- How can we disagree when I’m so right?


- You call it kidnapping, but I call it surprise adoption.


- My 6 packs are now officially a Family Pack.


- I have OC/DC. It's just like OCD except it rocks!


- I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand. It's the two-handed people who beat the crap out of me.


- Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you're lying becomes less important.


- I'm not Jesus, but I can turn water into Kool Aid.


- I'm not trying to impress anyone here, but...I can totally swim without floaties.


- I refuse to go Bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I refuse to go out because of one too.


- I just took a Lunesta and washed it down with a 5 hour power energy drink. Let the battle begin.


- If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.


- I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

- Female anatomy jokes aren’t funny. Period.


- I was just wondering how much orange pop was in a can. I guess I should stop Fanta sizing and get back to work…


- It was so cold this morning and I couldn’t find my ice scraper, so I used my Old Navy discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield. It didn't work though…I only got 10% off.


- Operation "This isn't going to End Well" Is a GO!!!


- Really feels like I should tidy up, so I'm just gonna lie here and wait for that feeling to pass…


- Today, I’m suffering from Brainfartitis.


- I could be a morning person . . . if morning happened at NOON!!!


- My short term memory isn't what it used to be. Also, my short term memory isn't what it used to be.


- Mosaics are one of the most exquisite forms of art, just like broken people that God has skillfully put back together are stunning!


- Damn! I zigged when I should've zagged!


- Dude, I think my check liver light just came on.


- I’m having a "Bite Me" kind of day.


- If insanity is repeating the same things over and over while expecting a different result can I NOT go to work due to mental illness?


- I would rather have a pap-smear with a rake then go to work today...


- A morning without coffee is like...uh, yeah...I don't know. I need more coffee...


- I think waffles are pancakes with little syrup cups.


- Procrastinators will one day rule the world! ... Just not today…


- Today is the day that one of the greatest persons on earth was born in 1973. Let's all take a minute to pause and thank God that I was born.


- I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes…I HAVE always been this awesome.


- My sole purpose in life ... is merely to annoy you ...


- I'm not evil! I'm just misunderstood. (long pause) And evil.


- If you noticed this notice, your notice was noticed and the notice was noted.


- Ever have one of those days where it feels like you are being shoved into the wall face first over and over and over again?


- This status is in Spanish when you aren't looking.


- People, people, people! Calm down! You all know I'm a dork, but hey, that's what makes me amazing!


- I just put some snow tires on my car. Pretty useless really…they just crumbled as soon as I pulled away.


- I’m not bothered by being alone, because I’m already in the company of an interesting person.


- Be nice to me - with minimum effort I can make things very, very difficult.


- I’m just like you. Only better.


- I’m not perfect. But now that I’ve admitted this, I am.


- I’m like catnip, but for people.


is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that she may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if she is right for you.


<-- Results not typical.


is an acquired taste. If you don't like her, acquire some taste.


- I’m radiating the alluring, seductive glow of pure awesomeness today!


- I wish I were you, so I could be friends with me!


- If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?


- Today's forecast: Partially moody with a chance of I don't like you.


- My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with her.


- Snow is a four letter word.


- I asked my kids to load the dishwasher and they handed me a bottle of wine! I guess “load the dishwasher” means to get mom drunk!

- Don’t scare me. I poop easily!


- A cup of coffee in the morning is the equivalent of being slapped in the face...but with flavor. Bring the pain little bean. Bring the pain.

- I’ll procrastinate later.


- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.


- If a vegetarian eats animal crackers are they still a vegetarian?!?


- Here, take these scissors and run down the steps with them.


- Why not take the ex out tonight? One bullet should do it!


- Handling teenagers is as easy as nailing jelly to a ceiling...


- I’m selling my encyclopedias because I have teenagers who know everything.


- If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark that throws up people until they are forced to open a beach.


- There are two ways to impress a man 1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer.


- Crayons, check... helmet, check... Prozac, check... OK, I'M READY FOR WORK!


- There has to be more to life than just being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.


is now available in version 3.1 with real kung-fu kicking action.

- I’m looking for my lost shaker of salt...


- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.


- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it... For example, I'm now sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.


- I do many things well...None of which generate income…


- Calories don't count on a weekend, neither does liver damage, caused by the imbibing of copious amounts of alcohol. Yay weekend!


- There's a little angel that flies around and hits people that I love... I hope she beats the crap outta you!


- I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and sealed in airtight containers.


- If you’re riding uphill in a canoe and your wheel falls off, how many pancakes does it take to fit in a doghouse?


- I’m a weapon of mass distraction!


- I think the only difference between people with tattoos and people without, is tattooed people don't care if you don't have tattoos.


- Huked on fonix werkd fer me!


- I’m now available in five new shades of crazy.


- I'm in that awkward stage between jail bait and cougar.


- I can be mean. What’s your superpower?


- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.


- I don't even understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon.


- Rotisserie: A Ferris Wheel for chickens.


- I’d like to remind everyone that if you're too open-minded, you're brains WILL fall out!


- There is always too much month left at the end of my money!


- I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer!


- I think we should have mandatory common sense training at work.


- I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.


- What a great week! I made it through without needing bail money or having any of those messy "hide the body" episodes...


- I want to buy a cow and name it Dinner.


- The meaning of dedication is wetting yourself while playing hide and seek so that you don't give up your hiding spot!


- I sometimes wake up grumpy ... other times I let my partner sleep!


- The problem with political jokes is that very often they get elected.


- I live vicariously through myself.


- I fail Englished? That's unpossible!


- Today's hangover is brought to you by the letters B-A-C-A-R-D-I!


- I've been on an emotional roller-coaster lately ... the other day ... my mood ring exploded ...


- I’m trying to eat healthier. Wine counts as a fruit, right?


- You think I'm crazy?!?! Have you SEEN what I had as a role model?!?


- ___________/\_______\o/_____________ AAARRRGGGHHH!!! SHARK ATTACK!!!


- Note to self: Never pass up an opportunity to pee.


- I'm not a stalker, I just want to talk and maybe follow you home!


- _/\_/\_/\________/\_/\_/\_ ... for a minute there you bored me to death.


- I think the Tooth Fairy is creepy and is secretly using teeth to frame people for various crimes.


- I tried being normal but I didn't like it so I went back to being me.


…Now available in the "Limited Time SOBER Edition"!!!


- There's plenty of room for God’s creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.


- I wonder if crabs think humans walk sideways.


- Have you ever noticed the word bed actually looks like a bed.


- Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.


- Let's share. You'll take the grenade, I'll take the pin.


- People think onions are the only vegetable to make you cry...not true! My friend got hit in the face with a cabbage thrown from a car and she cried!


is God's favorite.


- Did you know I knew that you knew I knew you knew?


- I was planning on bringing sexy back, but can't remember where I put it.


- Due to a total lack of interest Monday is cancelled!


-I said to myself, "Self," and I knew it was me cause I recognized my voice and I was wearing my underwear, "You should get up and make a sandwich."


- I’m just out on a day pass.


-I’m right and you know it.


- I’m going to go spend a few million dollars of your money on myself to improve your economic situation. What? It doesn't work that way?


- I realize now that the police never think it's as funny as I do.


- I have a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.


- Which section will you be sitting for all eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?


- If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat?


- I hate when the karma train is late.


- NOTICE: If you noticed this you may notice this is not worth noticing. Thank you for noticing.


- Would you like the yellow crayon? It tastes like bananas!


- I love my crazy friends. They have the best pills.


- I would like to kick Mother Nature in the crotch!


- Nothing like a little torrential downpour to dampen your day!


- I am retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.


- I was born to shop but forced to work…


- Why worry about work, when work obviously doesn't worry about you???


- I’ve been cleaning so much I MUST have two ugly sisters somewhere.


- I’m multi-slacking!


- Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend.


- Nice day...if you're a duck…


- Can anyone remember the recipe for summer?


- I wonder if this global warming is going to hurry up, because I’m sick of being cold!


- When I take over the world, Old Man Winter will be executed.


- I just saw a UFO outside in the sky...it was big, round and yellow...anyone know what it was!?


- I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.


- I just entered into a serious relationship with a bottle of wine.


- Dear, Friday: You and your friends, Saturday and Sunday, need to come by more often. I've missed you. Love your biggest fan, me.


- I’m off to that EVIL place where they keep her pay check.


- I think my intelligence is misunderestimated irregardless of my enourmousish vocabularity.


- I was told they broke the mold after I was born...but I keep seeing this little person who is just like me.


- Congratulations! You're a successful parent...your kids hate you!


- I may seem completely random, but it all makes sense in my head.


- Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take???


- Today's show is brought to you by the letters W, T, F.


- I’m seriously considering letting my inner bitch out on parole if I keep having days like this.


- Good morning world! And what new hell do you plan on putting me through today???


- Dear Pringles: Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.


- Life isn't about being who everyone wants you to be. It's about being yourself and finding someone who loves every bit of it.


- The most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you when you were not very lovable.


- I’m being attacked by Monday! Get it off me, get if off me! :)


- I have to remember that patience is a virtue and that murder is punishable by 25 years to life.


- Hold on...my train of thought hit a cow


- No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.


- I just realized the true definition of family. "People related by blood, who think they have the right to abuse and attack you emotionally and get away with it!”


- Today I am proudly sporting my big girl cranky pants.


- I’m having one of those 'Please Approach with Caution' days.


- I am standing on the fine line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.


- Why is it that when we talk to God it is called Praying, but when God talks to us it is called Paranoid Schizophrenia?


- Note to self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.


- I'm so lovable they gave me my own special jacket just so I can hug myself.


- I think that as long as my boss pretends to pay me well, I will pretend to work hard!


- Hello, Friday! I missed you.


- I’m always trying to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.


- I don’t have an anger problem. I have an idiot problem.


- Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually, it took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.


- I'm sarcastic...what's your super power?


- Beauty is only skin deep, but without skin you'd just look gross.


- Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect...it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.


- Be normal and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged and they will make you their leader.


- I will give you back the scissors if you stop making those stabby motions.


- I am on strike! I will not be talking to anyone, until my demands are met. I want a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels!


- True friends are hard to find, luckily, I've found mine.


- I’m running away and joining the circus. No wait...I have kids...this is the circus.


- Yay for talking to people on the phone while you're on the toilet!


- I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be, but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!


- Middle age is when you choose cereal because of its fiber content, not the free toy!


- My attention span would much longer if things weren't so damn shiny!


- I love working on days like this. If I was off, I'd just get sunburned and drink too much. Thanks work, for looking out for me.


- Having kids means knowing that whatever else you did or didn't do, you gave the world something beautiful.


- Psst...Hey you...yeah you...you're my favorite...don't tell the others!


- If you’re dancing with your honey, and her nose is kinda runny, and you think its sorta funny, well itsnot.


- I like mornings...that start at 11:59am.


- I’m here to remind you that we can't all be the princess. Someone has to sit on the curb and clap as I go by.


- I’m suffering from amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.


- Good morning fellow Facebook addicts. Today's meeting is now in session.


- I ask for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!


- I just realized that my "give a damn" is broken today. Fortunately, my "go screw yourself" is still working.

January 20, 2011

- Cops are so rude! They’ll just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun!



- Just because they make size 16 daisy dukes, doesn't mean you should wear size 16 daisy dukes.


- Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No one else has figured out a way to do this yet."


- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.


- Warning: I have character defects and I am not afraid to use them!!!


- Facebook Etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.


- George Washington owned a Dodge Charger – Wikipedia


- I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?


- I just had a near death experience and other peoples’ lives flashed before my eyes. I HAVE to stop being so nosey!


- Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.


- Welcome to my wall of shame. You are the latest addition.


- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


- I would kill the sexiest person on earth but suicide is a sin.


- My new life goal is to do something worthy of being on a commemorative plate while holding a commemorative plate.


- People learn english all the time, It arent that hard


- I hate being asked if I have any "past experience." Is there any other kind? Can one have future experience?


- I like to believe the spell czech on my computer has never failed me.


- Check One : [ ] single [ ] taken [X] climbin’ in yo window, snatchin’ yo people up.


- I never knew there was an Amish family living at the end of my street. There's a sign down there that says "No Outlet". How interesting.


- I had social networking when I was a kid, too. I think back then it was called "outside."


- If you only remember one thing today, remember this.


- Due to the political climate in America today, all "Target" stores will be changing their names to "Objective".


- The difference between me and a workaholic is that I work considerably less.


- Do you like impressions? WHY?! (That was Socrates)


- What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names


- I never make misteaks.


- The two rules for success are: 1. Never tell them everything you know.


- Index: Recursive loop: See recursive loop.


- What is the origin of the word "draconian"? The ancient Greek lawgiver Draco enforced severe penalties on people too lazy to look up dictionaries.


- I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it.


- I can be spontaneous, if I have enough time to prepare for it.


- Don't procrastinate. Put it off NOW.


- All generalizations are wrong.


- My apathy causes me problems, but I don't care.


- It's extremely important that you fully understand how completely trivial this statement is.


- What is this a paraphrase of?


- I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid.


- Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.


- I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have none.


- I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? Am I being redundant? Am I saying things over and over?


- After years of refusing to take my calls, I have finally decided to be my own best friend. And now I don't call. Did I wait too long?


- Just say NO to negativity!


- I just learned how to copy and paste! I just learned how to copy and paste! I just learned how to copy and paste!


- Starbucks is coming out with a new larger size cup...the Trenta. It’s Latin for “I Have To Pee”.


- Does anyone else see the irony that the game "Monopoly" is made by one company?


- I was so bad at grammar as a kid, I got trapped in a good.


- My great aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.


- What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.


- Where are all the Sour Patch parents?


- When life gets you down, make a comforter.


- When life give you lemons...you probably just found lemons.


- When I’m having fun, I like to yell, “WEEEEEEEEE!” Yep…I like to refer to myself and other people.


- If a deaf boy cusses in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?


- I am, therefore you are.


- I heard Snooki doesn’t want to be called "Snooki" anymore. So, what do we call her now? I say we call her "Annoying Orange"…or is that taken?


- You will have the song "I’m a Barbie Girl" stuck in your head in 2 seconds.


- If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from people who didn't succeed either.

January 12, 2011

- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?


- If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

- Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow. They just moved the school and made us walk further.


- Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.


- Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.


- "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board


- I told my dog it is weird that she follows me into the bathroom all the time. So she walked out. Now I'm weirded out that she understands English.

- When I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.


- I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.


- Allergy Alert: This status may contain peanuts.


- ‎79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, some good news for the homeless.

- A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.


- I thought I saw a ninja while driving home today. It turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?


- Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.


- I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as I did.......


- How do you tell the difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, it’s a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, it’s a grizzly.


- What do men and clouds have in common? Occasionally they go away and it's a really nice day.


- If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...you can always change your birth date on Facebook.


- A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...


- As an experiment I'm going to try to see life through the eyes of a man. Dammit, I can't stop staring at my butt in the mirror!


- I'm a much better fighter now that I have a black belt. I was hopeless when my pants kept falling down.


- WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)


- If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?


- Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!


- I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud.


- It’s not a hangover – it’s wine flu.


- I might not be a great example, but I'm one heck of a good warning.


- I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...Then we can be NEW friends!!


- I think that if I were a cannibal I’d only eat vegetarians, for the irony.


- I wish that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I didn’t do this morning.


- I work well with others as long as they leave me the heck alone.


- It's incredibly difficult to make myself look this busy.


- I only eat chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™.


- You can save a lot on college by learning calligraphy and making your own diploma.


- When people ask for advice, I say, "Use your best judgment," which they clearly don't have if they think I'm the right person to be asking.


- Anybody who says marriage is a 50/50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about men or fractions.


- I need to learn how to figure out stuff for myself. Can you guys help me do that?


- I’m glad I was diagnosed with OCD because now I have an even 100 problems.


- I just rolled my eyes out loud. I’m badass!


- If you get bitten by a zombie, then you become a zombie. Unless you’re a BMV employee, in which case your job performance slightly improves.

- Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. You're welcome.


- When you think about it, there's really not a lot an elephant has to remember.


- Oh hey, sobriety, no thanks... maybe tomorrow.


- If you don't have anything nice to say, please say it! I'm so bored.


- Screw you, "recommended serving size". You don't know me!


- I miss the days when everyone was Kung Fu fighting.


- There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who finish what they star


- All I want in this world is someone I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes!


- I’m now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.


- I slipped on the ice this morning and broke my cankle.


- I’m so broke that I go to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.


- Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea.


- I would be in fantastic shape if I ran like my mouth.


- I dieted today and all I lost was 24 hours.


- I imagine that in some cultures, I would be considered successful.


- Meditation is for adults who don't want to admit they still take naps.


- 3 things I hate: Stupid people and math.


- After years to trying to figure men out, I'm giving up and moving on to a much simpler subject. Quantum physics.

- I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune!


- I try to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.


- Im not alowed to proffread anymore.


- My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.


- When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little shits.


- If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an Olympic-sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.


- I just started my own business! I now bottle my farts and sell them on Craigslist as cans of whoop ass. Get yours today!


- In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.


- So, I just watched 'Marley and Me' again... If you haven’t seen it, it’s such a sad movie. I won't give anything away, but let’s just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.


- “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain


- Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off of the internet.


- So, when watching the college bowl games I was thinking, “If most of your players' helmets are completely covered in those stickers, maybe they're giving them away too freely.” It’s like, "Congratulations, you didn't crap your pants today, here's a sticker!"


- “How depressing, it’s so cold and gray.” said my daughter. “Well, it is January.” I replied. It was then that I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room. Awkward.


- I was late for work this morning because I got stuck behind the entire cast of Cocoon on my drive to work!


- At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be silly! Come…grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."


- I just read an article about a man who had beaten his wife with a frying pan in the kitchen. It's a damn sick world we live in! I mean…what the hell was he doing in the kitchen?!


- The world would be a lot more fun if people screamed whenever they yawned.


- There are no bad ideas in brainstorming, only unworkable ideas from management that you'll waste months developing.

Funny HaHa

January 7, 2011

- I prematurely panicked with all the blizzard warnings yesterday and ate my dog...now I’m feeling remorseful...


- I just read the instructions on a new stick of deodorant. It says, "remove top and push up bottom". I’m having trouble walking but my farts smell great!

- "New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.


- It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.


- When people say, "You're better than that", it really means you're not....


- I’m SOOOOO not a control freak! I just happen to know what is best for everyone else and how they should be doing it!


- If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.


- I have a Sith sense. I see Darth people.


- It's like I always say: You can get more with a kind word and a 2x4 than you can with just a kind word.


- Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster.

- I'm pretty sure the dude that put the extra 'r' in February is the same guy who thought up the spelling for Wednesday...


- This status is cornier than your stool after a 4th of July party.


- A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.


- ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.


- Warning labels are ruining the process of elimination.


- I’m pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up. I've seen The Karate Kid at LEAST 30 times.

- Have you ever read a book or watched a film that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that…


- I think I’m going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.

Happy New Beer!

- The gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual. I love New Year's resolutions...



- I’m not making any New Year's resolutions. I'm still working on the ones from 2003.


- The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim too high. Start with something small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."

- I'm opening a gym called ‘Resolutions’. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.


- My New Year’s resolution is to act like I am interested in your New Year’s resolution.


- May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.


- Looking for a New Year's resolution? Why don't we work on that whole “your/you're”, “their/they’re/there”, “to/too/two” thing...

Haiku?

Winter


I wake, reluctant;
To cold to get out of bed
But I need to pee.



Confusion

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they make no sense
Refrigerator



A.D.D.


She dances lithely
Seduction under the moon
I - Hey, a nickel!




Cat Haiku


You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
"Elevator butt".




The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand
New rule tomorrow



Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner




Microsoft


Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.




Ex-girlfriend


All good haikus have
seven syllables then five.
but who cares you whore.

December 30, 2010

- I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs…


- Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.


- Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.


- I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

- They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.


- I have to stop playing Call of Duty: Black Ops! I swear, today at work I tried to upgrade my stapler.


- Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's "butterflies in your stomach" or just "bubble gut"


- My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit.


- This “everything” bagel is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.


- I haven't been to work in four days. I almost forgot how to play solitaire and minesweeper.


- Does anyone know of a quick test to tell if you're cool? I mean...obviously...I'm just asking this for a friend....


- I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas to fight...I'm starting to think I'm living in the wrong city....


- I’m the only person that has been able to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.


- Oysters are fantastic!...If you like the taste of snot that’s been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.


- If you can’t say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.


- I just don't like the look of my hands. That's why I always keep them at arm’s length.


- Before I was a mom I had two theories about raising children. Now I have 2 children and absolutely no theories.


- Crazy?! I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner!? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me! Bugs?! I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy!? I was crazy once...


- One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!


- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....


- I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.


- Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.


- I like to think that when I die, I’ll get to see my stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.


- I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth". I just want to scream "YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"


- Whenever I sing my husband goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors he’s not beating me.


- I don’t set out to shock or offend anyone, but I also don’t do anything to prevent it.


- Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!


- Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? No? That’s because it hasn't come out yet.


- I've been told that hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.


- The lady next to me in this restaurant just asked if she could “please get a teabag”. *_* Hard…to…suppress…giggles!


- I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.


- I just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve. ‘Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo’ was robbed again!


- Just once I’d like to write out a check in crayon…


- I was standing by the door and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit.” Because if there was a fire I wouldn’t run?


- The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.


- Due to flooding, the schools are closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school. Uphill. Both ways.


- Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.


- I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.


- It just isn’t fair that there are children starving in Africa, and I wake up looking this good…


- Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also…weak arms.


- Fubu shirt - $100. Rocca Wear sweatshirt - $80. Sean John hat - $50. Realizing you're white... Priceless.


- If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.


- If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?


- See, you think I give a crap. Wrong! In fact, while you are talking ,I'm thinking, “How can I give less of a crap?” That's why I look so interested...

- Word of advice: Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!

December 22, 2010

- If I get pulled over in Arizona and the cop says "Papers" and I say "Scissors", do I win?


- Anger management class makes me mad.


- Oh I'm sorry! I didn't realized you were giving me a dirty look...I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!


- When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!


- I had a recurring dream once.


- You'll never be the man your mother is.


- Stephen Hawking doesn’t get a flu shot. He uses Norton Anti Virus.


- I used to care but now I take a pill for that...


- I hate when I get Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.


- I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you…and everyone else…so I can't help that.


- I don’t know who should be more embarrassed...me, for stopping at a yard sale that isn’t a yard sale or the person whose place looks like there’s a yard sale.


- I just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.


- Farmville Truths: Anyone at a lower level than me is a loser and anyone at a higher level is a loser with no life!


- Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.


- I’m going to set up a dating website for pyromaniacs and call it MyMatchbook.


- You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you’d like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.


- You could probably train a pigeon to babysit a human baby if you cover the baby in hay and trash and bread and stuff.


- It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.


- He says I keep pushing his buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.


- Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time.


- I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side. Then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.


- "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."


- Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.


- The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.


- Sometimes I feel like a million bucks. Other times I feel like a food stamp.


- Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets. These little packets are just mean.


- There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL. I really admire two-sport athletes.


- Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family just in case the one you have wasn't enough.


- Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.


- A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about.


- I’m going to investigate a strange noise in the attic. Man…my power just went out and all I have is a flashlight containing very old batteries. I may have to run outside afterwards without my cell phone into the deep woods far away from any houses while tripping often. BRB...


- I asked my husband if he wanted dinner. He said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."


- The answer to the age old question of how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop is...277. I know this because since Halloween I have had 637 of them.


- It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.


- I can think of at least 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.


- Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."


- When they’re not fighting or racing light cycles, I’ll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support.


- Something seems to be wrong with my butt today. I can't seem to get rid of it.




OR - Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.


- Drinking won't solve your problems. It gives you lots of interesting new ones.


- I just coughed, sneezed and farted all at the same time. I’m pretty sure I traveled 3 seconds into the future.


- Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork


- When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.


- I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.


- I feel like an Atari 2600 in a Play Station 3 world.


- You can't make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.


- Sometimes I wish that I WASN'T old enough to know better.