Look For Goodies

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

June 15, 2011 - Been away for FAR too long!

- I'm pretty certain that it's easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

"Nobody knows who I am." - Anonymous

I leave the message BEFORE the beep.

- Where did it ever say that Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

If I look intrigued while you're talking to me, it's because I'm thinking about how it would be possible to care less about what you're saying.

Every time a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my balcony just to show them what I'm capable of doing.

Whenever I ruin lunch, I instantly blame the pan. Stupid, stupid pan.

- I just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

Whenever I need moment to myself, I just go on over to Myspace.

- I've reached the age where I can't function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.

Facebook tip: Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If the people in movies listened to me they would have lived.

Having kids is like being at a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer  Next question." "No, you can't really fly."  Next question."

- I've discovered that if you have a friend who is a big Star Wars fan, he'll pass you anything you wish if you tell him you've been trying to use "The Force" to get it.

- I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'd be worth at least 50 cattle in some parts of the world.

- I'm addicted to placebos.

So Facebook is coming out with new software that uses facial recognition to automatically tag all pictures posted.  Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever. 

- I don't let a lack of "likes" discourage me.  I have family for that.

- I'm the Tina Yothers of obscure references.

After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion the very few turtles ARE actually ninjas.

Think of a number between 1 and 10.  Multiply it by 5.  Divide by 2.  Close your eyes... Dark isn't it?

I just ate like that day on Survivor when they're allowed to eat.

- I’m worried about my financial future. Even daylight has a better savings plan than me.

- Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.

- Pretty much every decision I make revolves around food or if I'll be able to sit down.

- Speak for yourselves. Everybody was NOT kung-fu fighting. I went camping that day.

- Mr. shit meet Mr. fan, now hit it.

- If 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter she'd kick my ass.

- Anybody know of a good job for someone that hates people and working?

- If I ever spontaneously combust, I truly hope that it's around somebody I can't stand and that they're wearing their favorite outfit.

- Thanks to my workout ethic this year I got a trophy. No, wait...I mean "atrophy."

- Oh, I'm a "people person." I'm just not a "people other than me person."

- My diet was going really well today until I woke up and remembered how much I love food.

- This is the time every night where I try to convince myself that I will feel even better with 5 hours of sleep rather than 6.

- We had funny animal videos in the 90's, too...we just had to watch them with Bob Saget.

I'm pretty sure Jason Kidd and Baraka from Mortal Kombat are related.

- I think Facebook is ruining my life. I'm going to log off and I'm not coming back...for at LEAST an hour!

- My therapist doesn't understand that laying in bed for hours Facebooking and Twittering is the same thing as "socializing."

- So if they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country...why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

I'm a hoarder, but it's all in my head.

- Can I just drop it like it's lukewarm? It's been a long day and I'm tired.

- 1. Stand between two full length mirrors. 2. Shake ya ass. 3. Watch yoself.

- I forgot to tell you guys I'm at the gym so if you need to get a hold of me I'll be at the gym and I'll talk to you after I leave the gym.

- Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

- Once you understand that your success doesn't depend upon the failure of others you'll probably become less of an asshole.

- If I say "excuse me" first, then I should have free reign to do whatever I want.

- Why cant they all be happy meals?

- I need to find a job so I will know what day of the week it is.

- If you want to be a part of my life you will only communicate with me via electronics.

- I'm not ever going to fly Virgin. Who'd want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way?

- "Like a kid in a candy store" is pretty much equivalent to "Like an adult in Costco."

- The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

- Today is so hot I'm almost jealous of it.

- My soul is an old pick-up truck with fuzzy dice on the rear view mirror and "WASH ME" on the back window.

- They may help me taste things but I'm not quite ready to commit to calling them my 'buds.'

Saturday, April 30, 2011

April 30, 2011

- Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.

- Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.

- I looked out the window & watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes & thought WOW dogs are so easily entertained. I then realized I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.

- I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I'm in an FBI van.

- Hallmark is totally missing out on the You're Welcome card market.

- Walking in the rain to get a burrito, just like they used to do in the Mediaeval times.

- Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

- Remember what was. Anticipate what will be. But live in the moment that lies in between.

- Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?

- Insomnia causes questionable browser history.

- I consider myself a crayon, sure I miqht not be your favorite color, but one day you will need me to finish ur picture....

- She digs though her purse in the middle of Easter service, frantically regretting her Cee Lo ringtone choice.

- When I eat a chocolate bunny I bop it on the head first to show respect to the field mice that lost family in the 'Little Bunny Foo Foo Massacre'.

- I’m no scientist but you’re an idiot.

- I’d rather have the girl from The Ring pop out of my TV than have that stupid “Congratulations you've won” voice ever scare the crap out of me again.

- Fact: Chuck Norris was once on celebrity "Wheel Of Fortune" and was the first to spin. The next twenty-nine minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly waiting for the wheel to stop.

- I sure do feel a heck of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym...

- Holy crap!  I just found out time travel is possible!  You can go to 2004 by just following this link: www.myspace.com

- I just ate from an unmarked tupperware container at the back of the fridge.  I think it was chicken yogurt.

- If "dress for the job you want" were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.

- My bus pass has a first name it’s N-O-C-A-R.

- I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.

- It's so hard to find a good pair of professional work shoes that light up.

- What if car bumpers were filled with candy, so if you got in a car crash, it would explode like a piƱata. "Sorry about the crash, but look!  Free candy!!!"

-Some big dude just asked me if I know where a pay phone is.  This can only mean two things.   1) The year is 1984...and 2) I must find and hide Sara Conner.

- If you need a friend...text me.  If you need a laugh...call me.  If you need a hug...stop by.  If you need money...this number is no longer in service.

- Dear tongue, can't touch this.  Love, Elbow.

- I'll be filing today's events in my "sometimes it sucks to be me" file for future reference.

- I wish there was a medium version of caps lock so you can show you're enthusiastic about what your saying but its not mistaken for angry yelling.

- Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.

- Google: rendering your know-it-all friends useless since 1997.