- It’s not easy reading a diary. Through binoculars. From a tree. Just sayin’…
- I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide!
- On a scale of one to Kanye, how badly do you want to interrupt me?
- I wish I had a "friend with benefits." But the friend would own an ice cream store. And the benefits would be free ice cream.
- Dear Mr. Undercover Police Car: I like your 5 extra antennas.
- I guess I just don't get the whole shaved off and drawn on eyebrow thingy old women do…
- Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.
- I'm tired of people seeing me and telling me they called me and I didn't pick up. "Yes, I remember ignoring that".
- The rules were already broken when I got here. Just sayin’…
- I hate when no one tells me it’s “Wear Your Pajamas to Wal-Mart Day”.
- Ok, so does it make me too competitive if I begin deleting friends solely because I can’t beat their Bejeweled scores?
- I’m shocked that Facebook is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people.
- I’m so excited! My DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where’s my cat?
- Flicking your cigarette butt out of a Prius cancels out your environmentally friendliness.
- If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn't that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?
- That's crazy! = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.
- Warning: Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.
- If you don’t like being tailgated, then don’t play movies I like.
- Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."
- Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?
- Reports show that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media, but I'm pretty sure people slacked off before Facebook.
- I give credit to Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher.
- Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.
- I will never understand rich people with messed up teeth.
- THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. It's not rocket science.
- I don’t call it lying down...I call it landscape mode.
- I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!
- If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
- While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
- My 80 year old grandma is just learning how to text. She thinks LOL means "Lots of love". She sent a text saying, "Your aunt Martha passed away this morning... LOL".
- Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
- I really need a Cone Of Silence right now.
- I think if walkie-talkies can be called walkie-talkies…then my vacuum cleaner should be referred to as a pushy-sucky.
- Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday?
- Do me a favor...run your face into my fist really hard…
- I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter. Sheesh!
- My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that!
- Sony announces it will no longer make Walkman cassette players. In other news: Sony was still making Walkman cassette players?
- ‘The Wizard of Oz’ is the ultimate chick flick. Two women…trying to kill each other…over shoes.
- When Life Hands You: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumaratem, Yellow #5, Natural and Artificial Flavors...Make Lemonade!
- If you watch ‘The Lord of the Rings’ backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.
- Did you know that in cartoons the person on the right is never allowed to speak first? I see a future for a lawyer somewhere out there…
- How is it illegal to talk on phone while driving in New York, but it’s legal for the guy from Cash Cab to host a television show while driving?
- Why does Jason kill on Fridays when people are just starting their weekend? Why can't he wait until Monday mornings when everyone hates their lives?
- I wonder who opened that first oyster and said, "My, my, my...now doesn't THIS look yummy!"
- Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
- Honking your horn won't make them go any faster, but at least they'll know that you're a jerk.
- I’m not waiting another minute for the lab results! The Halloween cookies from my ex-husband look good and I am feeling lucky.
- Red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is...
- UGH! I hate waiting in lines! I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.
- Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
- Apple scrapped their plans for a new children's iPod. Apparently iTouch Kids was not an appropriate name.
- I’m thinking about doing something different today…so I think I’ll sit on the TV & watch the sofa.
- I’m tired of being an adult... Can't I just play all day!?
- If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN!" every time I landed the plane.
- Someone needs to dress up as Antoine Dodson for Halloween! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife!
- I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.
- Then God made Saturn. And He liked it so He put a ring on it.
- What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl? ... ... ... See?! Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!
- Do Zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No. They eat their fingers separately.
- If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
- Reuse. Recycle. Re-gift.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- I wish I was a white crayon so no one would use me...
- I’m at CVS and the man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she sent him for tampons.
- You know you're getting old when one of the ‘Goonies’ is now playing a grandmother in a TV comedy.
- I'm truly shocked at the amount of condoms little old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.
- If you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.
- I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.
- I want to start a women's magazine called "Period" and some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
- I just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said, “I bet you can't hit me with a quarter!”
You Can Be This Funny, Too! Thoughts from the Interwebs...and, yes...my brain. -- Facebook Status Updates I've Used And Will Use.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thanksgiving Status Updates
- I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.
- Thanksgiving Leftovers Idea #57: Turkey Margarita.
- I wanted to buy a keepsake to remind me of the great food this Thanksgiving, but I think this new muffin-top will suffice.
- Thanksgiving Leftovers Idea #57: Turkey Margarita.
- I wanted to buy a keepsake to remind me of the great food this Thanksgiving, but I think this new muffin-top will suffice.
All Things Facebook
- It’s annoying when I get a notification and realize it’s about a post that I commented on a week ago. It’s lost its luster by then. There should be a statute of limitations on such things.
- Facebook needs a "That's what she said" option.
- As of today I will no longer use "lol" after my comments or posts...I will now use "snicker".
- I hate having to delete Facebook "friends" that I like, even though they don't give a crap about me. I wish there was a Facebook jail to put them in for 30 days.
- Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.
- Facebook needs a "That's what she said" option.
- As of today I will no longer use "lol" after my comments or posts...I will now use "snicker".
- I hate having to delete Facebook "friends" that I like, even though they don't give a crap about me. I wish there was a Facebook jail to put them in for 30 days.
- Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.
- Even after creeping through all of your profile pictures, I still have no idea who you are or what you look like since there are 20 people in each of your photos.
- My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really…where am I going?
- Facebook: helping people stay in touch with their ex’s they shouldn't be staying in touch with, one break up at a time
- Thank goodness for these new profiles... without them, I might never have known that so many of my friends speak English.
- My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really…where am I going?
- Facebook: helping people stay in touch with their ex’s they shouldn't be staying in touch with, one break up at a time
- Thank goodness for these new profiles... without them, I might never have known that so many of my friends speak English.
- I wonder if Facebook is hiring? I already put in my 40 hrs this week!
- Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Man of the Year. Ironically, Facebook has been named Time Waster of the Year.
- Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.
- The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it.
- This one isn’t that funny, keep scrolling.
- I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.
- When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." Immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos?!?"
- Sometimes I intentionally post a status that is not freakin’ hilarious just so my friends think I'm human.
- My dog ate my status.
- Remember when only the really cool people were on Facebook? Oh, you weren’t here then? Oops, my bad.
- You can steal my status updates if you like, but I lick every single one before I post them.
- If any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
- There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.
- My other Facebook wall has a scenic view.
- Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.
- The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it.
- 82 notifications later and I regret liking your status.
- This one isn’t that funny, keep scrolling.
- I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.
- When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." Immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos?!?"
- Sometimes I intentionally post a status that is not freakin’ hilarious just so my friends think I'm human.
- My dog ate my status.
- Remember when only the really cool people were on Facebook? Oh, you weren’t here then? Oops, my bad.
- You can steal my status updates if you like, but I lick every single one before I post them.
- If any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
- There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.
- My other Facebook wall has a scenic view.
- Your status updates leave a bad taste in my eyes...
- Maybe if my boss saw how many statuses I can drop in a day, she’d stop saying I’m unproductive.
- Every time someone uses "your" when they should be using "you're" on Facebook, an angel punches a kitten in the face.
- If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.
- I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.
- Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in quite some time.
- I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be "Nobody" so when I see stupid crap people post, I can "Like" it and it will say "Nobody Likes This".
- Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.
Christmas Status Updates
- I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.
- I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?
- I'm dreaming of a 90 degree Christmas.
- I just found a Christmas present that I forgot to give the kids last year! You should have seen their little faces when they opened it...poor little kitty!
- Claustrophobia - The fear of Santa Claus.
- Dear Santa, please bring me a new butt, mine has a crack in it!
- Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?
- Just to be clear: Our agreement to not buy each other gifts this year only applies to my gift for you.
- When they said, "don we now our gay apparel", nobody thought you'd take it so far.
- I told a kindergartener that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.
- I keep this up, the Christmas Miracle will be me getting my jeans buttoned.
- Dear Santa, I was framed.
- While assuring children that Santa really does exist, I'm often quick to add "unlike you" just to keep them on their toes.
- Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.
- Your Christmas present will be directly proportionate to the holiday bonus I will not be receiving this year.
- I’m starting to think that Santa just isn't that into me.
- If you post about how many days there are until Christmas in November, you should have to do all the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.
- I bet those adults that remind others of how many shopping days until Christmas were the same kids that reminded the teacher to give homework at the end of class.
- My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
- A man basically goes through four phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus... He doesn't believe in Santa Claus... He IS Santa Claus....He LOOKS like Santa Claus.
- 23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.
- The thing I hate most about the office Christmas party is looking for a new job the next day.
- Every time a toy breaks...an elf gets beaten...
- I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?
- I'm dreaming of a 90 degree Christmas.
- I just found a Christmas present that I forgot to give the kids last year! You should have seen their little faces when they opened it...poor little kitty!
- Claustrophobia - The fear of Santa Claus.
- Dear Santa, please bring me a new butt, mine has a crack in it!
- Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?
- Just to be clear: Our agreement to not buy each other gifts this year only applies to my gift for you.
- When they said, "don we now our gay apparel", nobody thought you'd take it so far.
- I told a kindergartener that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.
- I keep this up, the Christmas Miracle will be me getting my jeans buttoned.
- Dear Santa, I was framed.
- While assuring children that Santa really does exist, I'm often quick to add "unlike you" just to keep them on their toes.
- Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.
- Your Christmas present will be directly proportionate to the holiday bonus I will not be receiving this year.
- I’m starting to think that Santa just isn't that into me.
- If you post about how many days there are until Christmas in November, you should have to do all the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.
- I bet those adults that remind others of how many shopping days until Christmas were the same kids that reminded the teacher to give homework at the end of class.
- My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
- A man basically goes through four phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus... He doesn't believe in Santa Claus... He IS Santa Claus....He LOOKS like Santa Claus.
- 23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.
- The thing I hate most about the office Christmas party is looking for a new job the next day.
- This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all!!!
- I decided to put up a Christmas tree this year. I wrestled with it a bit...finally got it in place...it smells like Christmas now! And it looks so cool hanging from my car's rearview mirror!
- Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he KNOWS me or somethin...
- I’m excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
- Santa loves the rich kids more.
- Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.
- ♫♫♪♪ It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer ♪♪♫♫
- Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someone’s Advent calendar?
- It kind of sucks living in Cleveland this Christmas. The economy has hit us so hard, I heard Haiti was organizing a fund raiser for us.
- Just made my very own holiday fruitcake. It wasn't that difficult. All you need are some Twinkies and some Skittles.
- I'm sending my friends Justin Bieber CDs because fruitcake is a traditional Christmas gift.
- I decided to put up a Christmas tree this year. I wrestled with it a bit...finally got it in place...it smells like Christmas now! And it looks so cool hanging from my car's rearview mirror!
- Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he KNOWS me or somethin...
- I’m excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
- Santa loves the rich kids more.
- Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.
- ♫♫♪♪ It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer ♪♪♫♫
- Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someone’s Advent calendar?
- It kind of sucks living in Cleveland this Christmas. The economy has hit us so hard, I heard Haiti was organizing a fund raiser for us.
- Just made my very own holiday fruitcake. It wasn't that difficult. All you need are some Twinkies and some Skittles.
- I'm sending my friends Justin Bieber CDs because fruitcake is a traditional Christmas gift.
- This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all!!!
- Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
- I tried to mail you something cute for Christmas but the post office took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...
- Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
- I tried to mail you something cute for Christmas but the post office took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...
- No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
- If you have been naughty this Christmas be happy if you get coal...there are blind snowmen out there that would kill for it!
- Whew.....I am officially done wrapping all of my presents for Christmas in 2011. Thank you 'person who thought of re-gifting'
- I just returned some gifts¹ to the store².
¹food ²toilet
- Only 363 shopping days till Christmas!
- My kids officially have more money than I do now.
- Dear kids, There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Sincerely, WIKILEAKS
- I can’t believe it’s Christmas eve eve eve and they’re making me work.
- The Paranoid’s Christmas Carol... Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
- If you have been naughty this Christmas be happy if you get coal...there are blind snowmen out there that would kill for it!
- Whew.....I am officially done wrapping all of my presents for Christmas in 2011. Thank you 'person who thought of re-gifting'
- I just returned some gifts¹ to the store².
¹food ²toilet
- Only 363 shopping days till Christmas!
- My kids officially have more money than I do now.
- Dear kids, There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Sincerely, WIKILEAKS
- I can’t believe it’s Christmas eve eve eve and they’re making me work.
- The Paranoid’s Christmas Carol... Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
- It's important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids are hilarious, though!
Halloween Status Updates
- I wanted to dress as a turn signal for Halloween, but apparently nobody in my city knows what the heck that is!
- My neighbor was dressed up like a ghost, sheet faced and full of boos.
- This Halloween I'm going to be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we'll all starve.
- I plan on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids say "Trick or Treat", I’ll jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is the best holiday of ALL TIME!"
- My neighbor was dressed up like a ghost, sheet faced and full of boos.
- This Halloween I'm going to be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we'll all starve.
- I plan on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids say "Trick or Treat", I’ll jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is the best holiday of ALL TIME!"
November 17, 2010 - Part 1
- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
- On a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 how OCD are you?
- The new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!
- I was going to bring sexy back, but I lost the receipt…
- Maybe the TSA is just offering prostate screenings as part of Obama's healthcare reform???
- Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.
- I was at McDonald’s today where a rather large woman served me. When she finally gave me my order she said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually."
- What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
- People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.
- When I die…THIS will be will have on my tomb stone, "See!? I told you I was SICK!"
- The Twilight saga: It's like Star Wars for chicks.
- People who use sporks can't be trusted.
- Every time you post a cryptic Facebook status update about someone because you don't have the guts to say who you are talking about, I'm going to assume it's about me. I hate you, too!
- I am feeling whelmed. Overly so.
- There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
- Facebook has made it completely impossible to claim that you were unaware of your friend's birthday.
- I try to cut down on the number of mistakes I make at work by coming in late.
- You stereotypes are all alike!
- I feel like Nick Nolte's mug shot.
- If a creepy person asks why you never add your location to your Facebook Status updates, it's probably a good idea to never add your location to your Facebook Status updates.
- Facebook saved me from a terrifying “keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself” addiction.
- I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."
- I’m beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.
- It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.
- The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.
- "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.
- Every time you say "Act your age!" I hear, "Be sad and boring with me!"
- "Confidence" is the feeling you have just before you really understand the problem.
- Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.
- I don’t call it drinking alone. I call it partying with my fantasy curling team.
- I don't really *want* to go drinking tonight, but I almost have perfect attendance at the bars this week and I can't mess that up.
- You can't spell "nachos" without "chos."
- I took a vitamin a couple years ago. I hope it's still working.
- There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Well, fear itself…and swimsuit season.
- Obviously you could careless about proper grammar and word usings.
- Synonym: The word you use when you don't know how to spell the other one.
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- Apathy is a dish best served at whatever temperature.
- The bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the garbage. Worst roommate ever.
- So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.
- spellcheck is for the week.
- Sorry, but I just don't see how this meeting will help me with my blossoming career in Farmville.
- I took some time off from Facebook and got a LOT of work done. Won't make that mistake again...
- I drink coffee to fill the large void in my life where a nap should be.
- I would be a better listener if I could listen by talking.
- I better get back to work. These scissors aren't going to run with themselves...
- I’m wondering if all these adverbs are actually completely totally necessary?
- Passive-aggression: Because it's fine. No. Really. It's fine.
- I need to hit the treadmill tonight after eating so poorly today and yesterday and the last 37 years.
- I have some very good inside information about Apple's next product: I will not be able to afford it.
- My New Year’s resolution is to change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
- Pretending to work whilst at work is starting to become a full-time job.
- If plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.
- I don’t know which word makes me giggle more: "stimulus" or "package."
- "You will not sucks forever." Thanks, fortune cookie.
- You won't think it's so funny when I defenestrate you.
- Sleep is for cowards. And emotionally secure people.
- Why does Facebook bother to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome. But you knew that already…
- I’m not laughing at you…I'm laughing near you. And pointing. At you.
- I’ve mastered the art of verbal combat and sarcastic witticism.
- Your incessant rambling goes perfectly with my terrible listening skills.
- As it turns out...disappointment DOES have a name.
- I do not gossip, I emotionally speculate.
- It's unlikely I have any business participating in next year's fashion trends.
- Today is a day for firm decisions. Or is it?
- NO, I am not feeling tired or under the weather today! I just forgot to put on mascara! Jerks.
- I like being vague, because it’s almost as fun as doing this other thing.
- The art of conversation is, like, kinda dead and stuff.
- It’s funnier now that I get it.
- Medicine is the best medicine.
- You'll never regret carrying a koozie.
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- I feel stupid when I write the word banana. It’s like how many na's are on this thing? Cause I'm like … Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.
- "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.
- On a scale of 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 how OCD are you?
- The new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!
- I was going to bring sexy back, but I lost the receipt…
- Maybe the TSA is just offering prostate screenings as part of Obama's healthcare reform???
- Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.
- I was at McDonald’s today where a rather large woman served me. When she finally gave me my order she said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually."
- What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
- People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.
- When I die…THIS will be will have on my tomb stone, "See!? I told you I was SICK!"
- The Twilight saga: It's like Star Wars for chicks.
- People who use sporks can't be trusted.
- Every time you post a cryptic Facebook status update about someone because you don't have the guts to say who you are talking about, I'm going to assume it's about me. I hate you, too!
- I am feeling whelmed. Overly so.
- There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
- Facebook has made it completely impossible to claim that you were unaware of your friend's birthday.
- I try to cut down on the number of mistakes I make at work by coming in late.
- You stereotypes are all alike!
- I feel like Nick Nolte's mug shot.
- If a creepy person asks why you never add your location to your Facebook Status updates, it's probably a good idea to never add your location to your Facebook Status updates.
- Facebook saved me from a terrifying “keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself” addiction.
- I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."
- I’m beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.
- It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.
- The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.
- "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.
- Every time you say "Act your age!" I hear, "Be sad and boring with me!"
- "Confidence" is the feeling you have just before you really understand the problem.
- Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.
- I don’t call it drinking alone. I call it partying with my fantasy curling team.
- I don't really *want* to go drinking tonight, but I almost have perfect attendance at the bars this week and I can't mess that up.
- You can't spell "nachos" without "chos."
- I took a vitamin a couple years ago. I hope it's still working.
- There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Well, fear itself…and swimsuit season.
- Obviously you could careless about proper grammar and word usings.
- Synonym: The word you use when you don't know how to spell the other one.
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- Apathy is a dish best served at whatever temperature.
- The bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the garbage. Worst roommate ever.
- So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.
- spellcheck is for the week.
- Sorry, but I just don't see how this meeting will help me with my blossoming career in Farmville.
- I took some time off from Facebook and got a LOT of work done. Won't make that mistake again...
- I drink coffee to fill the large void in my life where a nap should be.
- I would be a better listener if I could listen by talking.
- I better get back to work. These scissors aren't going to run with themselves...
- I’m wondering if all these adverbs are actually completely totally necessary?
- Passive-aggression: Because it's fine. No. Really. It's fine.
- I need to hit the treadmill tonight after eating so poorly today and yesterday and the last 37 years.
- I have some very good inside information about Apple's next product: I will not be able to afford it.
- My New Year’s resolution is to change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
- Pretending to work whilst at work is starting to become a full-time job.
- If plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.
- I don’t know which word makes me giggle more: "stimulus" or "package."
- "You will not sucks forever." Thanks, fortune cookie.
- You won't think it's so funny when I defenestrate you.
- Sleep is for cowards. And emotionally secure people.
- Why does Facebook bother to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome. But you knew that already…
- I’m not laughing at you…I'm laughing near you. And pointing. At you.
- I’ve mastered the art of verbal combat and sarcastic witticism.
- Your incessant rambling goes perfectly with my terrible listening skills.
- As it turns out...disappointment DOES have a name.
- I do not gossip, I emotionally speculate.
- It's unlikely I have any business participating in next year's fashion trends.
- Today is a day for firm decisions. Or is it?
- NO, I am not feeling tired or under the weather today! I just forgot to put on mascara! Jerks.
- I like being vague, because it’s almost as fun as doing this other thing.
- The art of conversation is, like, kinda dead and stuff.
- It’s funnier now that I get it.
- Medicine is the best medicine.
- You'll never regret carrying a koozie.
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- I feel stupid when I write the word banana. It’s like how many na's are on this thing? Cause I'm like … Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.
- "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
November 16, 2010
- My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
- The new Myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... Way to be consistent Myspace.
- I had Mexican food for dinner last night. Now I’m playing Call of Doodie.
- I was halfway through eating a horse and realized... I'm not as hungry as I thought…
- Why don’t hedgehogs just share the hedge?
- It's tricky when you're ignoring someone and they ask you if you're ignoring them.
- Remember that awkward moment when you got in the van and the old man didn’t have any candy?
- My husband asked me if I wanted to play Call of Duty the other day. When I said yes, he handed me a tub of cleaning supplies.
- Just my luck...I got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one. Now I'm making tie dye webs in shapes of pot leaves.
- "Release the hounds" sounds so much more threatening than "let the dogs out".
- Pray for Obama - Psalm 109:8.
- There is no doubt that there's a place in every woman's life for a red thong, but that place is not five inches above the waistline of her jeans. Ever.
- We got a dog that gave up chasing the cat after about 10 seconds. So we’re calling it Quits.
- Darn it! It turns out those WERE the droids we were looking for! UGH!
- Maybe Kanye should take his toys and go play with Joy Behar. She needs the ratings.
- Yes I realize I was wearing this t-shirt last time you saw me. I don’t own 365 t-shirts, so the odds of this happening again are roughly 1 in 10.
- My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punch lines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.
- I saw the headline "Garfield cartoonist apologizes" and my first thought was…about time. That comic strip has been lame for decades!
- The new Myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... Way to be consistent Myspace.
- I had Mexican food for dinner last night. Now I’m playing Call of Doodie.
- I was halfway through eating a horse and realized... I'm not as hungry as I thought…
- Why don’t hedgehogs just share the hedge?
- It's tricky when you're ignoring someone and they ask you if you're ignoring them.
- Remember that awkward moment when you got in the van and the old man didn’t have any candy?
- My husband asked me if I wanted to play Call of Duty the other day. When I said yes, he handed me a tub of cleaning supplies.
- Just my luck...I got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one. Now I'm making tie dye webs in shapes of pot leaves.
- "Release the hounds" sounds so much more threatening than "let the dogs out".
- Pray for Obama - Psalm 109:8.
- There is no doubt that there's a place in every woman's life for a red thong, but that place is not five inches above the waistline of her jeans. Ever.
- We got a dog that gave up chasing the cat after about 10 seconds. So we’re calling it Quits.
- Darn it! It turns out those WERE the droids we were looking for! UGH!
- Maybe Kanye should take his toys and go play with Joy Behar. She needs the ratings.
- Yes I realize I was wearing this t-shirt last time you saw me. I don’t own 365 t-shirts, so the odds of this happening again are roughly 1 in 10.
- My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punch lines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.
- I saw the headline "Garfield cartoonist apologizes" and my first thought was…about time. That comic strip has been lame for decades!
Monday, November 15, 2010
November 15, 2010
- People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.
- When I die…THIS will be will have on my tomb stone, "See!? I told you I was SICK!"
- The Twilight saga: It's like Star Wars for chicks.
- People who use sporks can't be trusted.
- For future reference, if you ever see someone who looks like Rosie O'Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.
- I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like I’m on a bomb squad.
- My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."
- im dissapointment in you’re grammer.
- When someone says, "You're the best," just know that it's a total lie…because I'm the best.
- I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
- Bologna sandwiches are a parents way of saying... it's my legal obligation to feed you something.
- I just heard about the new miracle diet? It’s called "The Garlic Diet". You eat nothing but garlic and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...
- I'm a whole new breed of special.
- When I was younger, after getting a haircut or visiting the doctor I would receive a lollipop. My tastes have not changed since then. Give me a darn lollipop!!!
- The best part of waking up IS NOT Folgers in your cup. It’s knowing that Chuck Norris did not kill you in your sleep!
- I bet lumber companies have a lot of board meetings.
- I just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh…………………………….
- Lean Cuisine…why must you remind me of Fancy Feast?
- I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.
- I’m in financial ruins. Well, I'm off to the mall to buy things that I don't need to make me feel better about my debt! See ya!
- FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
- By "liking" this Facebook status update, you're agreeing to my terms of service.*
*involves giving me money and/or beer
- I think Facebook is providing the technology for my random thoughts to be ignored by far more people than ever before.
- "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is very true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.
- My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
- We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
- Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
- I have no desire for money. It's stuff that I want.
- When I die…THIS will be will have on my tomb stone, "See!? I told you I was SICK!"
- The Twilight saga: It's like Star Wars for chicks.
- People who use sporks can't be trusted.
- For future reference, if you ever see someone who looks like Rosie O'Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.
- I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like I’m on a bomb squad.
- My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."
- im dissapointment in you’re grammer.
- When someone says, "You're the best," just know that it's a total lie…because I'm the best.
- I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
- Bologna sandwiches are a parents way of saying... it's my legal obligation to feed you something.
- I just heard about the new miracle diet? It’s called "The Garlic Diet". You eat nothing but garlic and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...
- I'm a whole new breed of special.
- When I was younger, after getting a haircut or visiting the doctor I would receive a lollipop. My tastes have not changed since then. Give me a darn lollipop!!!
- The best part of waking up IS NOT Folgers in your cup. It’s knowing that Chuck Norris did not kill you in your sleep!
- I bet lumber companies have a lot of board meetings.
- I just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh…………………………….
- Lean Cuisine…why must you remind me of Fancy Feast?
- I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.
- I’m in financial ruins. Well, I'm off to the mall to buy things that I don't need to make me feel better about my debt! See ya!
- FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
- By "liking" this Facebook status update, you're agreeing to my terms of service.*
*involves giving me money and/or beer
- I think Facebook is providing the technology for my random thoughts to be ignored by far more people than ever before.
- "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is very true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.
- My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
- We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
- Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
- I have no desire for money. It's stuff that I want.
Friday, November 12, 2010
November 12, 2010
- The Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts while they were stranded. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.
- I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my blanket fort.
- Whenever I see signs that say ‘slow pedestrians’ or ‘slow children playing’, I can’t help but picture people in helmets playing in the street.
- Face? Facebook? Who used to be for connecting with friends? Who has recently been taken over by 'why what’s up?' Who should really take care of this issue soon? Yeah I know it. Why what's up???
- My neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.
- Our company is having a chili cook-off today at 12:30. The "crop dusting" begins about 2 hours later.
- You should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.
- I have a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot.
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
- I came to a fork in the road…which was awesome, because I had just picked up my Chinese take-out and they didn’t put any plastic ware in the bag!
- I am not anticipating any emergencies.
- I can't remember having a more memorable time.
- If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- I always proof-read to make sure I didn’t any words out.
- Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
- Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
- When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three... he was the genius.
- To make things simple...let's automatically assume that everything I say is right.
- The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].
- "I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes.""Have you seen a doctor?""No, just spots."
- Don't judge a book by its movie.
- Not the sharpest crayon in the tool shed, are we? oh wait...
- I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my blanket fort.
- Whenever I see signs that say ‘slow pedestrians’ or ‘slow children playing’, I can’t help but picture people in helmets playing in the street.
- Face? Facebook? Who used to be for connecting with friends? Who has recently been taken over by 'why what’s up?' Who should really take care of this issue soon? Yeah I know it. Why what's up???
- My neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.
- Our company is having a chili cook-off today at 12:30. The "crop dusting" begins about 2 hours later.
- You should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.
- I have a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot.
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
- I came to a fork in the road…which was awesome, because I had just picked up my Chinese take-out and they didn’t put any plastic ware in the bag!
- I am not anticipating any emergencies.
- I can't remember having a more memorable time.
- If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- I always proof-read to make sure I didn’t any words out.
- Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
- Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
- When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three... he was the genius.
- To make things simple...let's automatically assume that everything I say is right.
- The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].
- "I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes.""Have you seen a doctor?""No, just spots."
- Don't judge a book by its movie.
- Not the sharpest crayon in the tool shed, are we? oh wait...
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