March 21, 2011

‎- Car manufacturers need to get with the program! I can't be the only one that wants a Death Ray option.

- ‎"Your Status has expired. Please deposit $1.25". ~FB Meter Maid

- Just once I would like to see a tampon commercial where the actress actually has a normal period.  Where she’s all cranky and eating a Snickers bar…not happy and playing sports!   False advertising!

- All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.

- I did 26 sit-ups this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

- I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

- Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn't always write.

- There are things money can't buy, but Ticketmaster is working on ways to charge you for them

- Diarrhea would be a beautiful name, if it didn't mean diarrhea.

- Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their mom's bad driving.

- The hardest thing about learning to ride a motorcycle is the ground.

- “LIKE" this if you automatically start panicking when you can’t feel your phone in your pocket.

- I don't get drunk - I get awesome!

- I took the red pill and woke up broke in Vegas. Thanks, Morpheus.

- Each day gives you an opportunity to change something in your life. I use that opportunity to change my underwear.

- I’m not a stalker I’m just bad with goodbyes.

- In this day and age it’s really a shame that laundry is still segregated.

- They should make a medal for anyone who uses a whole tube of chapstick before losing it.

- A double entendre is when I don’t know what the hell you’re saying. Twice.

- The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.

- I can confidently say I’m 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.

- Women have to shave our armpits. Whose idea was that? That's a concave area with a straight razor. The best I can do is a mohawk.

- That awkward moment when someone you don't like sends you a friend request, then you decline. Then they send another one.

- I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to get into this bar.

- Read somewhere that there are 32 accepted spellings for Ghadafi. May I also suggest "K'Daffy."

- I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".

- While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

- All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.

- Immature:  A word boring people use to describe fun people.

- I threw my iPhone with the "flight mode" turned on, but it didn't fly...

- Electrolux:  Teaching women their place for over 50 years.

- Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't corrupt me?!

- Whenever I go to the pet store I feel compelled to ask the store clerk "Where all da bitches at?"

- Anyone know what the weather's like in India?  Never mind…I’ll just call AT&T.

-  The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has to be learning how to fart quietly again.

- The factory of the future will have only two employees...a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.

‎- Dear 2011, Stop trying to be 2012...

‎- The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dirty dishes in it.

‎- In my day, we had My Space, too. And it extended five feet in every direction.

‎- Bad: Having a song stuck in your head. Worse: Having a song stuck in your head and you don't know all the words.

- Every time you lie to your kid and tell them that some dumb thing they did is "great"... you're potentially creating the next Ke$ha.

- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

- In honor of those who would if they could… I’m going back to bed.

‎- There are only two levels in lion taming – “expert” and “cat food”.

‎- 50% of my weirdness makes the other 50% creepy.

‎- I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

‎- My nephew has just earned his first Boy Scout award for ‘video gaming’. I guess the next ones will be for ‘social ineptitude’ & ‘pale skin’.

- WARNING: May cause extreme awesomeness!

‎- My life would be a lot easier if when shopping online there was a “Sort by least ugly” option.

- BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.

‎- I bought a book yesterday. A real one with paper! And you have to turn pages and everything! I'm living like a cave person. Life is hard.

- I was the Home School Valedictorian.

‎- Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

- At the store today I saw a lady who had drawn on her eyebrows. When I told her she drew them on too high she looked rather surprised.