March 1, 2011 - Unemployed for one full week now...

- I want to work for the Attitude Adjustment Bureau.


- Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck.


- Just to be sure, I write "This Is You!" on all my mirrors.


- You know those intense unexplained pains you get sometimes? You deserve those.


- I think I'm going to take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.


- When I get multiple friend requests and messages on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.


- There's a thin line between love and hate. I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it...


- Kilometers are shorter than miles. I'll be taking my next trip in kilometers to try and save some gas.


- I run for 2 reasons: 1.) Running to get food (2.) Running to keep from being food.


- I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.


- Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.


- I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.


- How am I supposed to be impressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?


- “Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she’s a monster wearing a crap ton of makeup.” -Maybelline


- The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?


- The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.

- So I’ve narrowed it down and I’m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.


- Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.


- I have trouble even monotasking.


- I bet my dog rolls her eyes when I tell people on the phone how busy I am.


- I always feel like I just passed my “Best If Used By” date.


- About 50% of parents “friend” their children on Facebook. The other 50% find less technological ways to embarrass their kids.


- At the mall this weekend...The angry parents screaming for their son "Marco!!!" did not find it amusing when I kept yelling "POLO!!!" back at them from my dressing room.


- Evolution is just nature’s way of issuing upgrades.


- An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.


- “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - Said a farmer to a barren tree.


- Do headphones just tie themselves in knots while we're not looking?


- You know that you're broke when your bologna has no first name.


- Hi, welcome to Hollister. Would you like a flashlight?


- Free Tibet* --- *with the purchase of another Tibet of equal or greater value.


- If you watch '127 Hours' backwards, it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

- When work feels overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday.


- I'm hooked on ebonics. Tru dat, dawg!


- Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.


- I'm gonna start lifting up my shirt, showing off my gut, and demanding to be called The Fatuation.


- The kid from Two and a Half Men looks more like Natalie from the Facts of Life everyday.


- Tonight marks the 83rd Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars.


- I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

- Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"

- Another long day at the office. Well, for someone.  I was home on the couch watching TV all day.

- I'm just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

- Thanks, confirmation e-mail telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you?



- It must be awkward when GPS navigation tells gay people to go straight.  o_O
 
- People who copy and paste stuff from other people's status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment



- The worst part of telling your friend you got laid off is probably when they try to high five you at the "laid" part.
 
-  If you asked me to guess what perfume the lady next to me is wearing, I think I'd have to say every one she owns.
 
- "No, ladies, you can't play with us, but you can dress sleazy and encourage us." -The guy who invented cheerleading.



- Eskimos moved in next door. Can I still call them that? I don't have to say "Arcto–Americans" or some crap, do I?



- If smokers can get smoke breaks, non smokers should get fresh air breaks.



- FACEBOOK:  HELPING OVERTHROW GOVERNMENTS SINCE 2011!
 
- Whenever someone says "Expect the unexpected" I get the urge to smack them and say "It's not as good as it sounds, is it?"
 
- Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she'll be awake.



- At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself.
 
- I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.
 
- I've been eating thin mints like crazy and I haven't lost a pound!
 
- You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.




- I think "going to the gym" should mean more than just walking there and then walking home.

- Real cases, real people, real emotional abuse...JUDGE JUDY



- I hate when I'm laughing and my ass falls off.
 
- I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.
 
- They took a nationwide poll to see what type of natural disaster people feared the least. Avalanche won by a landslide.



- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.


- I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.
 
- Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
 
- Does this comic book collection make me look single?
 
- I could literally eat every day and not get sick of it.
 
- I’m going through a phase of categorizing my life in phases. I call this one my ‘phase’ phase.
 
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.