Look For Goodies

Friday, February 11, 2011

February 11, 2011

- I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

- I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

- I miss Gary Coleman.  I grew up with him...he just never did.

- I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

- Wow! I just had a multiple sarcasm!!!

- There will never be true equality until men have to wear underwear with under-wires that lift and separate.

- Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon.

- Am I the only one with a friend that I don't like to eat with, because they chew their food like they’re mad at it?!

- If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

- Oh you graduated from DeVry?!  Which month were you?

- There are two sides to every argument but I don’t have time to listen to yours.

- My friend just hired an Eastern European housekeeper.  It took her 5 hours to sweep the carpets in the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

- A man’s best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

- People either respect me or they fear me. Or they point at me and laugh. Actually…mostly that last one.

- I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs.

- When I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours.  If I had a rock and a roll of Caps...It was a Good Day!

- Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality?

- If genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration, I’ve had some wicked smart cab drivers.

- The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors.

- Never be mean to a girl in glasses, because she will most likely turn out to be hot and popular by the end of the movie.

- Growing up on Disney movies has left me so disillusioned about small woodland creatures and their willingness to help me with my chores.

- Seriously ma’am there’s a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.

- There are two sides to every argument but I don’t have time to listen to yours.

- I’d like to leave you with one thought. But I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.

- If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?

- “Because you’re crazy” should be a legitimate reason to fire someone.

- One word for the Jonas Brothers.  Hanson.

- I don’t like walking around with change in my pocket, because then I have to spend all day lying to homeless people.

- Psychotherapy is like the board game Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."

- When the lady at Wal-Mart with 5 screaming children all under the age of 8 wants to know how the condoms got in her cart @ checkout ... I will just say, "You're Welcome".

- If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why can’t we have Starbucks trucks in the winter?

- On TV shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don’t have a box. Should I have a box?

- Al Gore said we would have days like this...no...wait...scratch that.

- When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to.  Ya don’t want to just send those texts out willy-nilly!

- Did you know 25% of car accidents in Canada involve a moose?  Stupid Canadians!  Stop letting them drive!

- FYI...First person to complain about the heat this summer is getting punched in the face.

- I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done...

- .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.

- Frozen water balloon fights...not a good idea.

- Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.

- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.

- Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?

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