- Anyone else have the problem where you wake up in the morning and you believe in yourself? No? It’s just me? I been doing that a lot lately…
- Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper. But it’s not a fair replica…because Mr. Pibb isn’t even a doctor!
- I want a map in my house where I can stick pins into the map to mark the places where I’ve been. But first I’m going to have to travel to the places at the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
- I’m not into sports. If I had athlete’s foot, my first reaction would be, “That’s not my foot!”
- When they advertise boxing matches, why do they have to say, “It’s a fight to the finish!”? I think that’s obvious…that seems like a pretty good place to end.
- I think it’s weird how a horse, pony and miniature pony are all the same kind of animal…but the men who ride them couldn’t be more different…
- I have a blind friend who really wants to go to the Grand Canyon. I would never take her there! But I’m a great friend, so I WOULD tell her we’re going.
- So far, this is the oldest I’ve ever been.
- It’s not all about the money. It’s all about all crap I can buy with the money.
- Fire hazards are never a good thing. Except maybe in golf. That would be awesome.
- Losing weight is just a case of mind over fatter.
- At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.
- Back in my day, blankets didn’t have sleeves.
- Jail: the government’s way of sending you to your room.
- Girls gain weight because our brains can't hold all the info so it spreads to other places. Therefore, I’m not fat, I’m a genius.
- This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?!"
- I sleep better naked. Why can't the flight attendant understand this?
- Note to self: Don't introduce yourself to the new neighbors until they have all the heavy stuff moved in.
- There is a quadriplegic convention downtown this weekend. That place is going to be crawling with people!
- Work would be so much better if there was nap time, recess and gym.
- It's illegal to text while driving, but apparently it's okay for the police to surf CopNET on the freeway at 70 MPH.
- I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and, as I picked the skull up, I wondered, "Who was this person?", "Where did he come from?", "How did he die?", and "Why did he have antlers?".
- You know what the trouble with real life is? There’s no music alerting us to danger!
- If at first you don't succeed, you're not me.
- Statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.
- I’m sorry, but it’s impossible for me to take the separatist strife in the Philippines seriously when the leading paramilitary organization goes by MILF.
- Whenever I'm on the phone with someone, I like to scream “WAIT DON'T HANG UP!” right as they're hanging up. And then I don’t answer when they call back.
- The 80s had the best 80s music.
- When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who make balloon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.
- If you ever find yourself thinking, “Man I really need to go out and buy myself a Clay Aiken cd.” ...Please delete me as a Facebook friend.
- Sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are, but then before they can respond say, "Anyway" and change the subject.
- I hate you, NutterButter’s! You ruined all my good jeans!
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