- It’s been Monday all week. (to be used on a Monday)
- I’d work out, but I’m still trying to perfect my “before” picture.
- Quietest Place on Earth… The Ninja Library.
- I’m not stalking you, I’m just lurkin’ for love.
- I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says…
- I kinda feel weird when my computer asks if I’d like to continue unprotected…
- I either get what I want or I change my mind.
- Next week I’m going to have an MRI to find out if I’m claustrophobic.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- If you are what you eat, I’d like to order something rich.
- How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?
- You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it? It turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.
- I’m wearing my ninja shirt today. It has ninjas all over it, but most people just think it's a blank shirt.
- My friend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well, you know what they say...Elephants never forget.
- Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...
- Everyone's suitcases all look the same. That's why I always pack my stuff in a treasure chest.
- My greatest regret in life is not being a billionaire.
- If a mime shoots someone, does he have to use a silencer?
- It's not a mood if you’re always in it... Then it's just your personality.
- Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called, "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
- Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say
- Lately I've been doing some soul searching. I still haven’t found one.
- Did you ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
- My goal for today is to not post anything stupid on Facebook and to learn how to boil water.
- Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.
- I set the temperature of my room to "room temperature". It seems to be the best temperature for my room.
- Telling me to calm down is the only guaranteed way to piss me off.
- I'm not ignoring you, I'm denying your existence.
- I think that if someone says “plz” because it's shorter than “please”, then you should say “no” because it's shorter than “yes”.
- One thing I miss about childhood is being able to throw a snowball at someone's head without the authorities getting involved.
- I discovered last weekend that if you play a Justin Bieber album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Bieber.
- You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."
- Don't you just love nature? Despite what it did to your face…
- I like rice…especially when I'm in the mood for like 2,000 of something...
- I was so much more productive hundreds of Facebook Status updates ago.
- My dad probably can't beat up your dad anymore.
- If friends could be bought at the store, I’d buy you. And I’d get a good deal because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted.
- I had a fight with my shoelaces this morning. It ended up in a tie.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite distraction.
- When looking up something in Google, if it’s not on the first page of search results, it does not exist and my journey ends there.
- Exercise machines are just torture devices with better marketing campaigns.
- 80% of life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts.
- I’m pretty sure that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?
- Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures. You can't trip on something behind you.
- Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ™, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A Non-Government Employee
- The only thing technical about a technical college is that it’s actually a community college.
- When in history was there an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones?
- Cheerfulness is contagious; Be immunized today.
- Go sell crazy somewhere else. We’re all stocked up here.
- I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take.
- Disney World Rule: Children under the age of 12 must be accompanied by money.
- Proof Reading...it's impotent.
- I’d eat more salads if they didn't taste like vegetables.
- I'm about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings.
- How do you put an end to the circus? Go for the juggler.
- A Droid is an awesome thing...for me to poop on! (Sent from my iPhone)
- Stalking is such a strong word...I prefer the term “Surveillance Expert”.
- Don't blame me for your lack of self-esteem...That's why it's called SELF-esteem.
- WARNING: If you get a message from somebody and it has the subject title "Link to Ashley Simpson videos", DON'T OPEN IT! It's not a virus or anything, but her music is terrible.
- I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.
- My next door neighbor’s battery died in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPhone.
- I saw a sign at the mall that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself…
- I get distracted by all the meats in the deli section. It must be because of my short attention spam.
- I always thought that holding on was the strongest thing a person could do, now I see that it's letting go that takes an enormous amount of courage & strength.
- I just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake... Not sure who won...
- Attention fuels immaturity.
- Would it change the way you feel about me if I admitted that I have a special love for the Bee Gees?
- I can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.
- Dear Lean Cuisine, Your microwave lunches are too small. My body does not get 35MPG like most people. I get more like 12MPG with a strong tail wind. Please help. Love, Me
- Note: All restaurants are drive-thru if you drive hard enough.
- The only thing some people can achieve on their own is dandruff.
- Vuja De; The feeling you’ve never been here before.
- A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
- Boldly going nowhere…
- When I’m hungry, I eat! When I’m happy, I smile. When I run, I generally walk.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- You know you’re invisible when the automatic faucet rejects you.
- You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.
- Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
- Working out sucks...maybe I'll just spring for liposuction and 639 muscle implants.
- A lot of people believe they came from monkeys. I’m not going to argue with them.
- It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.
- If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sang the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."
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