December 20, 2010

- Who's the jerk that invented the faucet handles you have to hold down?


- When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.


- Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me it's a Transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.


- There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.


- Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.


- If “new” things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.


- Signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.


- I think if you wRiTe LikE DiS you need to go back to MySpace. It’s annoying. Grow up.


- I’m updating my resume. What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months"?


- Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.


- Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.


- What does it mean when a guy calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean, aside from the fact that he works for MasterCard™.


- Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. What a sad state of affairs.


- Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.


- Am I the only one that flips back and forth like a little kid when I discover 2 radio stations playing the same song?


- If I had a dollar for every time that I wished I had a dollar......


- My friend said she thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.


- I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.


- This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.


- If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies. Just sayin’.


- Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you.


- An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.


- Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless. You can still be used as “the bad example”.


- Vodka + Ice damages your kidney. Rum + Ice damages your liver. Whiskey + Ice damages your heart. Gin + Ice damages your brain. Damn you, Ice! How much more damage can you cause?


- There has to be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."


- I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.


- Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.


- My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.


- Born to get forced to work.


- My cow just died yesterday and I don't need your bull!


- On this site in 1897...nothing happened.


- No noose is good noose.


- Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.


- Well…I’m awake. This is not a good start to my day.


- So far we have 3 inches of “no accumulation”. Thanks, Weatherman!


- Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".


- They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.


- I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.


- I began to slip this morning while going to my car, but I turned it into a wicked moonwalk instead. I gots mad skillz!


- I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.


- I need to take a Wikileak.


- Don’t leave alphabet soup on the stove. It could spell disaster.


- Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind!


- I hate it when I’m telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

- There is no I in team, but there are four in platitude-quoting idiot.


- Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.


- I’m an apathetic sociopath. I'd kill you if I cared.


- Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.


- A good friend will take you to the hospital if you slip into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.


- I totally take back all of those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid.

- Now with more cowbell.



- Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.


- I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people, "Have you seen this person?"


is in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.


- The main trouble with mental notes is that the ink fades sooooo fast.

- I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

- Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

- What was Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand?

- They say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late.


- If Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.


- I wonder what people in China call their good dishes?

- Hello, Laundry…my old nemesis. So we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played, evil villain. Well played.