December 22, 2010

- If I get pulled over in Arizona and the cop says "Papers" and I say "Scissors", do I win?


- Anger management class makes me mad.


- Oh I'm sorry! I didn't realized you were giving me a dirty look...I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!


- When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!


- I had a recurring dream once.


- You'll never be the man your mother is.


- Stephen Hawking doesn’t get a flu shot. He uses Norton Anti Virus.


- I used to care but now I take a pill for that...


- I hate when I get Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.


- I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you…and everyone else…so I can't help that.


- I don’t know who should be more embarrassed...me, for stopping at a yard sale that isn’t a yard sale or the person whose place looks like there’s a yard sale.


- I just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.


- Farmville Truths: Anyone at a lower level than me is a loser and anyone at a higher level is a loser with no life!


- Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.


- I’m going to set up a dating website for pyromaniacs and call it MyMatchbook.


- You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you’d like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.


- You could probably train a pigeon to babysit a human baby if you cover the baby in hay and trash and bread and stuff.


- It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.


- He says I keep pushing his buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.


- Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time.


- I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side. Then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.


- "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."


- Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.


- The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.


- Sometimes I feel like a million bucks. Other times I feel like a food stamp.


- Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets. These little packets are just mean.


- There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL. I really admire two-sport athletes.


- Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family just in case the one you have wasn't enough.


- Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.


- A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about.


- I’m going to investigate a strange noise in the attic. Man…my power just went out and all I have is a flashlight containing very old batteries. I may have to run outside afterwards without my cell phone into the deep woods far away from any houses while tripping often. BRB...


- I asked my husband if he wanted dinner. He said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."


- The answer to the age old question of how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop is...277. I know this because since Halloween I have had 637 of them.


- It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.


- I can think of at least 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.


- Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."


- When they’re not fighting or racing light cycles, I’ll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support.


- Something seems to be wrong with my butt today. I can't seem to get rid of it.




OR - Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.


- Drinking won't solve your problems. It gives you lots of interesting new ones.


- I just coughed, sneezed and farted all at the same time. I’m pretty sure I traveled 3 seconds into the future.


- Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork


- When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.


- I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.


- I feel like an Atari 2600 in a Play Station 3 world.


- You can't make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.


- Sometimes I wish that I WASN'T old enough to know better.