December 2, 2010

- I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get THEM to sign it.




- Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.


- While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.


- Violence is never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is: “What is never the answer?”


- I can't believe I just got fired from my job at the calendar factory. They told me I was allowed to take 5 days off and when I did they freaked out.


- A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.


- Captains Log: Stardate 3.1415926535 - I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today.


- Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.


- I hate to see my food go to waist.



- Morning cardio routine: Stretch. Gravity Hand Slam on snooze button. Pull arm back under covers. Roll over. Wait 9 Minutes. Repeat



- So teenagers these days can just about do anything with a any phone, computer or camera. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I had a new cordless phone that stored 10 numbers and I could make a call from outside my house within distance.



- I love the wind in my hair and the sun shining on my face while horseback riding. Oh crap...I need another quarter!



- My frose is nozen.



- Justin Bieber wins at the American Music Awards...reason enough to declare war on Canada.



- I thought I wanted a career, but years of experience have taught me that what I really wanted was just the paychecks.



- The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it's still on the list.



- No, your “other” counterclockwise.



- My life coach just benched me.



- Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."



- The tension in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender.


- Just when you think you have buried the past, they find another body...


- Dear Lord, please give us back Leslie Neilson and will let you have Justin Bieber, Richard Simmons or Snooki...your pick. Or take them ALL and give us Leslie!?


- It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.


- I always hold out my hand when someone is counting money in front of me. Just in case.


- Pouring milk on Doritos and pretending it's cereal isn't as good of an idea as I thought it would be.



- I failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world." Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.



- WARNING: If you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat, DON'T OPEN IT!!! It's SPAM.



- My life has a superb cast. I just can't figure out the plot.



- Does TSA make house calls...or did I just get scammed?!



- I woke up this morning and there’s a white powdery substance all over the ground outside. I’m staying home from work today. That stuff could be Anthrax!



- To all the people in the world who think they don't need deodorant: YES YOU DO!



- I won't take no for an answer! Unless the answer I want is no…then I’ll take no for an answer.



- I’m having second thoughts…which confuses me because I completely skipped the first ones.



- I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.


- I think that the most fearless thing I did today was take a sip of my coffee without checking to see if it was too hot.


- My New Year's Resolution is to travel back in time and stop Jersey Shore from EVER being made.


- US Military is experimenting with robots. Part of new program code named, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Rise Up and Kill Us."


- We can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.


- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.



- If I joined Earth, Wind & Fire, I think the element I'd want to be is Surprise.



- I had to use my AK this afternoon. Still, it was a good day, as I only used it to scratch my back.



- They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is, are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?



- I am pretty sure that J Lo plus butter equals Snookie



- People say that money can't buy happiness. I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.



- I saw this on a t-shirt today: Plan A: Marry hot girl. Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook. Plan C: Ramen Noodles.



- I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.



- Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"



- What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat.



- 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. 'Sort of' is just a filler. 'Sort of' doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'



- To save time, let's just assume I know everything.



- When will it be socially acceptable to drink queso from a straw?



- I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.



- Why is "one" the loneliest number? I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed "number two."



- I have a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.



- I just wrecked myself. I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.



- Everyone has a story. I’ll sleep through yours next.



- If cows didn’t want to be eaten, they’d move faster.



- I’ve learned that the one thing I can always count on is my fingers.



- If your internet ever goes out, just give me a call, tell me what web pages you wanted to visit, and I'll describe them to you. I’m a true friend.



- I can't believe that it's the year 2010 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.



- I don't like it when other shoppers look in my cart in the grocery store. They’re trying to steal my ideas! Go think up your own dinner!



- People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.



- NOTE TO SELF: Please stop writing yourself notes. Love, Self



- 79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, some good news for the homeless.



- Don't add foreign words to your text messages in an attempt to sound intelligent. It will backfire and make you look like a pillock. Comprende?



- I'd like to thank meth addicts for making buying allergy and cold medicine and giant pain in the butt.



- Friends don't let friends wear mullets.



- Easy Bake Oven, Teaching Girls Their Place Since 1963



- If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my winnings is hiring Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.