- Cops are so rude! They’ll just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun!
- Just because they make size 16 daisy dukes, doesn't mean you should wear size 16 daisy dukes.
- Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No one else has figured out a way to do this yet."
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Warning: I have character defects and I am not afraid to use them!!!
- Facebook Etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.
- George Washington owned a Dodge Charger – Wikipedia
- I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
- I just had a near death experience and other peoples’ lives flashed before my eyes. I HAVE to stop being so nosey!
- Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
- Welcome to my wall of shame. You are the latest addition.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- I would kill the sexiest person on earth but suicide is a sin.
- My new life goal is to do something worthy of being on a commemorative plate while holding a commemorative plate.
- People learn english all the time, It arent that hard
- I hate being asked if I have any "past experience." Is there any other kind? Can one have future experience?
- I like to believe the spell czech on my computer has never failed me.
- Check One : [ ] single [ ] taken [X] climbin’ in yo window, snatchin’ yo people up.
- I never knew there was an Amish family living at the end of my street. There's a sign down there that says "No Outlet". How interesting.
- I had social networking when I was a kid, too. I think back then it was called "outside."
- If you only remember one thing today, remember this.
- Due to the political climate in America today, all "Target" stores will be changing their names to "Objective".
- The difference between me and a workaholic is that I work considerably less.
- Do you like impressions? WHY?! (That was Socrates)
- What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names
- I never make misteaks.
- The two rules for success are: 1. Never tell them everything you know.
- Index: Recursive loop: See recursive loop.
- What is the origin of the word "draconian"? The ancient Greek lawgiver Draco enforced severe penalties on people too lazy to look up dictionaries.
- I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it.
- I can be spontaneous, if I have enough time to prepare for it.
- Don't procrastinate. Put it off NOW.
- All generalizations are wrong.
- My apathy causes me problems, but I don't care.
- It's extremely important that you fully understand how completely trivial this statement is.
- What is this a paraphrase of?
- I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid.
- Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.
- I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have none.
- I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? Am I being redundant? Am I saying things over and over?
- After years of refusing to take my calls, I have finally decided to be my own best friend. And now I don't call. Did I wait too long?
- Just say NO to negativity!
- I just learned how to copy and paste! I just learned how to copy and paste! I just learned how to copy and paste!
- Starbucks is coming out with a new larger size cup...the Trenta. It’s Latin for “I Have To Pee”.
- Does anyone else see the irony that the game "Monopoly" is made by one company?
- I was so bad at grammar as a kid, I got trapped in a good.
- My great aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
- What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.
- Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
- When life gets you down, make a comforter.
- When life give you lemons...you probably just found lemons.
- When I’m having fun, I like to yell, “WEEEEEEEEE!” Yep…I like to refer to myself and other people.
- If a deaf boy cusses in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- I am, therefore you are.
- I heard Snooki doesn’t want to be called "Snooki" anymore. So, what do we call her now? I say we call her "Annoying Orange"…or is that taken?
- You will have the song "I’m a Barbie Girl" stuck in your head in 2 seconds.
- If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from people who didn't succeed either.
You Can Be This Funny, Too! Thoughts from the Interwebs...and, yes...my brain. -- Facebook Status Updates I've Used And Will Use.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
January 12, 2011
- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
- If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.
- Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow. They just moved the school and made us walk further.
- Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.
- Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.
- "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board
- I told my dog it is weird that she follows me into the bathroom all the time. So she walked out. Now I'm weirded out that she understands English.
- When I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.
- I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.
- Allergy Alert: This status may contain peanuts.
- 79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, some good news for the homeless.
- A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.
- I thought I saw a ninja while driving home today. It turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?
- Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.
- I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as I did.......
- How do you tell the difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, it’s a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, it’s a grizzly.
- What do men and clouds have in common? Occasionally they go away and it's a really nice day.
- If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...you can always change your birth date on Facebook.
- A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...
- As an experiment I'm going to try to see life through the eyes of a man. Dammit, I can't stop staring at my butt in the mirror!
- I'm a much better fighter now that I have a black belt. I was hopeless when my pants kept falling down.
- WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)
- If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?
- Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!
- I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud.
- It’s not a hangover – it’s wine flu.
- I might not be a great example, but I'm one heck of a good warning.
- I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...Then we can be NEW friends!!
- I think that if I were a cannibal I’d only eat vegetarians, for the irony.
- I wish that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I didn’t do this morning.
- I work well with others as long as they leave me the heck alone.
- It's incredibly difficult to make myself look this busy.
- I only eat chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™.
- You can save a lot on college by learning calligraphy and making your own diploma.
- When people ask for advice, I say, "Use your best judgment," which they clearly don't have if they think I'm the right person to be asking.
- Anybody who says marriage is a 50/50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about men or fractions.
- I need to learn how to figure out stuff for myself. Can you guys help me do that?
- I’m glad I was diagnosed with OCD because now I have an even 100 problems.
- I just rolled my eyes out loud. I’m badass!
- If you get bitten by a zombie, then you become a zombie. Unless you’re a BMV employee, in which case your job performance slightly improves.
- Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. You're welcome.
- When you think about it, there's really not a lot an elephant has to remember.
- Oh hey, sobriety, no thanks... maybe tomorrow.
- If you don't have anything nice to say, please say it! I'm so bored.
- Screw you, "recommended serving size". You don't know me!
- I miss the days when everyone was Kung Fu fighting.
- There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who finish what they star
- All I want in this world is someone I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes!
- I’m now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.
- I slipped on the ice this morning and broke my cankle.
- I’m so broke that I go to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.
- Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea.
- I would be in fantastic shape if I ran like my mouth.
- I dieted today and all I lost was 24 hours.
- I imagine that in some cultures, I would be considered successful.
- Meditation is for adults who don't want to admit they still take naps.
- 3 things I hate: Stupid people and math.
- After years to trying to figure men out, I'm giving up and moving on to a much simpler subject. Quantum physics.
- I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune!
- I try to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.
- Im not alowed to proffread anymore.
- My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.
- When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little shits.
- If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an Olympic-sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.
- I just started my own business! I now bottle my farts and sell them on Craigslist as cans of whoop ass. Get yours today!
- In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.
- So, I just watched 'Marley and Me' again... If you haven’t seen it, it’s such a sad movie. I won't give anything away, but let’s just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.
- “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain
- Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off of the internet.
- So, when watching the college bowl games I was thinking, “If most of your players' helmets are completely covered in those stickers, maybe they're giving them away too freely.” It’s like, "Congratulations, you didn't crap your pants today, here's a sticker!"
- “How depressing, it’s so cold and gray.” said my daughter. “Well, it is January.” I replied. It was then that I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room. Awkward.
- I was late for work this morning because I got stuck behind the entire cast of Cocoon on my drive to work!
- At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be silly! Come…grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."
- I just read an article about a man who had beaten his wife with a frying pan in the kitchen. It's a damn sick world we live in! I mean…what the hell was he doing in the kitchen?!
- The world would be a lot more fun if people screamed whenever they yawned.
- There are no bad ideas in brainstorming, only unworkable ideas from management that you'll waste months developing.
- If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.
- Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow. They just moved the school and made us walk further.
- Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.
- Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.
- "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board
- I told my dog it is weird that she follows me into the bathroom all the time. So she walked out. Now I'm weirded out that she understands English.
- When I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.
- I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.
- Allergy Alert: This status may contain peanuts.
- 79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, some good news for the homeless.
- A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.
- I thought I saw a ninja while driving home today. It turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?
- Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.
- I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as I did.......
- How do you tell the difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, it’s a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, it’s a grizzly.
- What do men and clouds have in common? Occasionally they go away and it's a really nice day.
- If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...you can always change your birth date on Facebook.
- A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...
- As an experiment I'm going to try to see life through the eyes of a man. Dammit, I can't stop staring at my butt in the mirror!
- I'm a much better fighter now that I have a black belt. I was hopeless when my pants kept falling down.
- WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)
- If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?
- Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!
- I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud.
- It’s not a hangover – it’s wine flu.
- I might not be a great example, but I'm one heck of a good warning.
- I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...Then we can be NEW friends!!
- I think that if I were a cannibal I’d only eat vegetarians, for the irony.
- I wish that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I didn’t do this morning.
- I work well with others as long as they leave me the heck alone.
- It's incredibly difficult to make myself look this busy.
- I only eat chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™.
- You can save a lot on college by learning calligraphy and making your own diploma.
- When people ask for advice, I say, "Use your best judgment," which they clearly don't have if they think I'm the right person to be asking.
- Anybody who says marriage is a 50/50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about men or fractions.
- I need to learn how to figure out stuff for myself. Can you guys help me do that?
- I’m glad I was diagnosed with OCD because now I have an even 100 problems.
- I just rolled my eyes out loud. I’m badass!
- If you get bitten by a zombie, then you become a zombie. Unless you’re a BMV employee, in which case your job performance slightly improves.
- Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. You're welcome.
- When you think about it, there's really not a lot an elephant has to remember.
- Oh hey, sobriety, no thanks... maybe tomorrow.
- If you don't have anything nice to say, please say it! I'm so bored.
- Screw you, "recommended serving size". You don't know me!
- I miss the days when everyone was Kung Fu fighting.
- There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who finish what they star
- All I want in this world is someone I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes!
- I’m now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.
- I slipped on the ice this morning and broke my cankle.
- I’m so broke that I go to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.
- Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea.
- I would be in fantastic shape if I ran like my mouth.
- I dieted today and all I lost was 24 hours.
- I imagine that in some cultures, I would be considered successful.
- Meditation is for adults who don't want to admit they still take naps.
- 3 things I hate: Stupid people and math.
- After years to trying to figure men out, I'm giving up and moving on to a much simpler subject. Quantum physics.
- I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune!
- I try to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.
- Im not alowed to proffread anymore.
- My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.
- When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little shits.
- If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an Olympic-sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.
- I just started my own business! I now bottle my farts and sell them on Craigslist as cans of whoop ass. Get yours today!
- In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.
- So, I just watched 'Marley and Me' again... If you haven’t seen it, it’s such a sad movie. I won't give anything away, but let’s just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.
- “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain
- Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off of the internet.
- So, when watching the college bowl games I was thinking, “If most of your players' helmets are completely covered in those stickers, maybe they're giving them away too freely.” It’s like, "Congratulations, you didn't crap your pants today, here's a sticker!"
- “How depressing, it’s so cold and gray.” said my daughter. “Well, it is January.” I replied. It was then that I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room. Awkward.
- I was late for work this morning because I got stuck behind the entire cast of Cocoon on my drive to work!
- At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be silly! Come…grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."
- I just read an article about a man who had beaten his wife with a frying pan in the kitchen. It's a damn sick world we live in! I mean…what the hell was he doing in the kitchen?!
- The world would be a lot more fun if people screamed whenever they yawned.
- There are no bad ideas in brainstorming, only unworkable ideas from management that you'll waste months developing.
Friday, January 7, 2011
January 7, 2011
- I prematurely panicked with all the blizzard warnings yesterday and ate my dog...now I’m feeling remorseful...
- I just read the instructions on a new stick of deodorant. It says, "remove top and push up bottom". I’m having trouble walking but my farts smell great!
- "New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.
- It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.
- When people say, "You're better than that", it really means you're not....
- I’m SOOOOO not a control freak! I just happen to know what is best for everyone else and how they should be doing it!
- If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.
- I have a Sith sense. I see Darth people.
- It's like I always say: You can get more with a kind word and a 2x4 than you can with just a kind word.
- Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster.
- I'm pretty sure the dude that put the extra 'r' in February is the same guy who thought up the spelling for Wednesday...
- This status is cornier than your stool after a 4th of July party.
- A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
- 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
- Warning labels are ruining the process of elimination.
- I’m pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up. I've seen The Karate Kid at LEAST 30 times.
- Have you ever read a book or watched a film that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that…
- I think I’m going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.
- I just read the instructions on a new stick of deodorant. It says, "remove top and push up bottom". I’m having trouble walking but my farts smell great!
- "New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.
- It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.
- When people say, "You're better than that", it really means you're not....
- I’m SOOOOO not a control freak! I just happen to know what is best for everyone else and how they should be doing it!
- If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.
- I have a Sith sense. I see Darth people.
- It's like I always say: You can get more with a kind word and a 2x4 than you can with just a kind word.
- Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster.
- I'm pretty sure the dude that put the extra 'r' in February is the same guy who thought up the spelling for Wednesday...
- This status is cornier than your stool after a 4th of July party.
- A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
- 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
- Warning labels are ruining the process of elimination.
- I’m pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up. I've seen The Karate Kid at LEAST 30 times.
- Have you ever read a book or watched a film that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that…
- I think I’m going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.
Happy New Beer!
- The gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual. I love New Year's resolutions...
- I’m not making any New Year's resolutions. I'm still working on the ones from 2003.
- The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim too high. Start with something small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."
- I'm opening a gym called ‘Resolutions’. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
- My New Year’s resolution is to act like I am interested in your New Year’s resolution.
- May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
- Looking for a New Year's resolution? Why don't we work on that whole “your/you're”, “their/they’re/there”, “to/too/two” thing...
- I’m not making any New Year's resolutions. I'm still working on the ones from 2003.
- The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim too high. Start with something small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."
- I'm opening a gym called ‘Resolutions’. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
- My New Year’s resolution is to act like I am interested in your New Year’s resolution.
- May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
- Looking for a New Year's resolution? Why don't we work on that whole “your/you're”, “their/they’re/there”, “to/too/two” thing...
Monday, January 3, 2011
Haiku?
Winter
I wake, reluctant;
To cold to get out of bed
But I need to pee.
Confusion
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they make no sense
Refrigerator
A.D.D.
She dances lithely
Seduction under the moon
I - Hey, a nickel!
Cat Haiku
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
"Elevator butt".
The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand
New rule tomorrow
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Microsoft
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Ex-girlfriend
All good haikus have
seven syllables then five.
but who cares you whore.
I wake, reluctant;
To cold to get out of bed
But I need to pee.
Confusion
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they make no sense
Refrigerator
A.D.D.
She dances lithely
Seduction under the moon
I - Hey, a nickel!
Cat Haiku
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
"Elevator butt".
The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand
New rule tomorrow
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Microsoft
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Ex-girlfriend
All good haikus have
seven syllables then five.
but who cares you whore.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
December 30, 2010
- I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs…
- Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
- Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.
- I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.
- They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.
- I have to stop playing Call of Duty: Black Ops! I swear, today at work I tried to upgrade my stapler.
- Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's "butterflies in your stomach" or just "bubble gut"
- My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit.
- This “everything” bagel is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.
- I haven't been to work in four days. I almost forgot how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
- Does anyone know of a quick test to tell if you're cool? I mean...obviously...I'm just asking this for a friend....
- I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas to fight...I'm starting to think I'm living in the wrong city....
- I’m the only person that has been able to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.
- Oysters are fantastic!...If you like the taste of snot that’s been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.
- If you can’t say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.
- I just don't like the look of my hands. That's why I always keep them at arm’s length.
- Before I was a mom I had two theories about raising children. Now I have 2 children and absolutely no theories.
- Crazy?! I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner!? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me! Bugs?! I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy!? I was crazy once...
- One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
- I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.
- Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.
- I like to think that when I die, I’ll get to see my stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.
- I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth". I just want to scream "YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
- Whenever I sing my husband goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors he’s not beating me.
- I don’t set out to shock or offend anyone, but I also don’t do anything to prevent it.
- Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!
- Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? No? That’s because it hasn't come out yet.
- I've been told that hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.
- The lady next to me in this restaurant just asked if she could “please get a teabag”. *_* Hard…to…suppress…giggles!
- I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.
- I just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve. ‘Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo’ was robbed again!
- Just once I’d like to write out a check in crayon…
- I was standing by the door and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit.” Because if there was a fire I wouldn’t run?
- The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
- Due to flooding, the schools are closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school. Uphill. Both ways.
- Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.
- I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.
- It just isn’t fair that there are children starving in Africa, and I wake up looking this good…
- Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also…weak arms.
- Fubu shirt - $100. Rocca Wear sweatshirt - $80. Sean John hat - $50. Realizing you're white... Priceless.
- If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
- If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?
- See, you think I give a crap. Wrong! In fact, while you are talking ,I'm thinking, “How can I give less of a crap?” That's why I look so interested...
- Word of advice: Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!
- Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
- Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.
- I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.
- They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.
- I have to stop playing Call of Duty: Black Ops! I swear, today at work I tried to upgrade my stapler.
- Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's "butterflies in your stomach" or just "bubble gut"
- My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit.
- This “everything” bagel is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.
- I haven't been to work in four days. I almost forgot how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
- Does anyone know of a quick test to tell if you're cool? I mean...obviously...I'm just asking this for a friend....
- I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas to fight...I'm starting to think I'm living in the wrong city....
- I’m the only person that has been able to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.
- Oysters are fantastic!...If you like the taste of snot that’s been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.
- If you can’t say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.
- I just don't like the look of my hands. That's why I always keep them at arm’s length.
- Before I was a mom I had two theories about raising children. Now I have 2 children and absolutely no theories.
- Crazy?! I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner!? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me! Bugs?! I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy!? I was crazy once...
- One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
- I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.
- Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.
- I like to think that when I die, I’ll get to see my stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.
- I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth". I just want to scream "YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
- Whenever I sing my husband goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors he’s not beating me.
- I don’t set out to shock or offend anyone, but I also don’t do anything to prevent it.
- Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!
- Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? No? That’s because it hasn't come out yet.
- I've been told that hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.
- The lady next to me in this restaurant just asked if she could “please get a teabag”. *_* Hard…to…suppress…giggles!
- I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.
- I just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve. ‘Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo’ was robbed again!
- Just once I’d like to write out a check in crayon…
- I was standing by the door and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit.” Because if there was a fire I wouldn’t run?
- The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
- Due to flooding, the schools are closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school. Uphill. Both ways.
- Fruitcakes are like kids. Eighteen years later they're often still found just sitting around your house.
- I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.
- It just isn’t fair that there are children starving in Africa, and I wake up looking this good…
- Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also…weak arms.
- Fubu shirt - $100. Rocca Wear sweatshirt - $80. Sean John hat - $50. Realizing you're white... Priceless.
- If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
- If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?
- See, you think I give a crap. Wrong! In fact, while you are talking ,I'm thinking, “How can I give less of a crap?” That's why I look so interested...
- Word of advice: Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
December 22, 2010
- If I get pulled over in Arizona and the cop says "Papers" and I say "Scissors", do I win?
- Anger management class makes me mad.
- Oh I'm sorry! I didn't realized you were giving me a dirty look...I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
- When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!
- I had a recurring dream once.
- You'll never be the man your mother is.
- Stephen Hawking doesn’t get a flu shot. He uses Norton Anti Virus.
- I used to care but now I take a pill for that...
- I hate when I get Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.
- I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you…and everyone else…so I can't help that.
- I don’t know who should be more embarrassed...me, for stopping at a yard sale that isn’t a yard sale or the person whose place looks like there’s a yard sale.
- I just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
- Farmville Truths: Anyone at a lower level than me is a loser and anyone at a higher level is a loser with no life!
- Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
- I’m going to set up a dating website for pyromaniacs and call it MyMatchbook.
- You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you’d like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.
- You could probably train a pigeon to babysit a human baby if you cover the baby in hay and trash and bread and stuff.
- It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.
- He says I keep pushing his buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.
- Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time.
- I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side. Then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.
- "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."
- Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
- The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.
- Sometimes I feel like a million bucks. Other times I feel like a food stamp.
- Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets. These little packets are just mean.
- There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL. I really admire two-sport athletes.
- Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family just in case the one you have wasn't enough.
- Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.
- A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about.
- I’m going to investigate a strange noise in the attic. Man…my power just went out and all I have is a flashlight containing very old batteries. I may have to run outside afterwards without my cell phone into the deep woods far away from any houses while tripping often. BRB...
- I asked my husband if he wanted dinner. He said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."
- The answer to the age old question of how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop is...277. I know this because since Halloween I have had 637 of them.
- It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
- I can think of at least 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.
- Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."
- When they’re not fighting or racing light cycles, I’ll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support.
- Something seems to be wrong with my butt today. I can't seem to get rid of it.
OR - Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.
- Drinking won't solve your problems. It gives you lots of interesting new ones.
- I just coughed, sneezed and farted all at the same time. I’m pretty sure I traveled 3 seconds into the future.
- Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork
- When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.
- I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.
- I feel like an Atari 2600 in a Play Station 3 world.
- You can't make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
- Sometimes I wish that I WASN'T old enough to know better.
- Anger management class makes me mad.
- Oh I'm sorry! I didn't realized you were giving me a dirty look...I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
- When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!
- I had a recurring dream once.
- You'll never be the man your mother is.
- Stephen Hawking doesn’t get a flu shot. He uses Norton Anti Virus.
- I used to care but now I take a pill for that...
- I hate when I get Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.
- I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you…and everyone else…so I can't help that.
- I don’t know who should be more embarrassed...me, for stopping at a yard sale that isn’t a yard sale or the person whose place looks like there’s a yard sale.
- I just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
- Farmville Truths: Anyone at a lower level than me is a loser and anyone at a higher level is a loser with no life!
- Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
- I’m going to set up a dating website for pyromaniacs and call it MyMatchbook.
- You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you’d like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.
- You could probably train a pigeon to babysit a human baby if you cover the baby in hay and trash and bread and stuff.
- It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.
- He says I keep pushing his buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.
- Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time.
- I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side. Then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.
- "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."
- Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
- The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.
- Sometimes I feel like a million bucks. Other times I feel like a food stamp.
- Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets. These little packets are just mean.
- There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL. I really admire two-sport athletes.
- Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family just in case the one you have wasn't enough.
- Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.
- A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about.
- I’m going to investigate a strange noise in the attic. Man…my power just went out and all I have is a flashlight containing very old batteries. I may have to run outside afterwards without my cell phone into the deep woods far away from any houses while tripping often. BRB...
- I asked my husband if he wanted dinner. He said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."
- The answer to the age old question of how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop is...277. I know this because since Halloween I have had 637 of them.
- It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
- I can think of at least 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.
- Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."
- When they’re not fighting or racing light cycles, I’ll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support.
- Something seems to be wrong with my butt today. I can't seem to get rid of it.
OR - Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.
- Drinking won't solve your problems. It gives you lots of interesting new ones.
- I just coughed, sneezed and farted all at the same time. I’m pretty sure I traveled 3 seconds into the future.
- Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork
- When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.
- I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.
- I feel like an Atari 2600 in a Play Station 3 world.
- You can't make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
- Sometimes I wish that I WASN'T old enough to know better.
Monday, December 20, 2010
December 20, 2010
- Who's the jerk that invented the faucet handles you have to hold down?
- When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
- Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me it's a Transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.
- There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
- Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.
- If “new” things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.
- Signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.
- I think if you wRiTe LikE DiS you need to go back to MySpace. It’s annoying. Grow up.
- I’m updating my resume. What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months"?
- Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.
- Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.
- What does it mean when a guy calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean, aside from the fact that he works for MasterCard™.
- Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. What a sad state of affairs.
- Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.
- Am I the only one that flips back and forth like a little kid when I discover 2 radio stations playing the same song?
- If I had a dollar for every time that I wished I had a dollar......
- My friend said she thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
- I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.
- This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.
- If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies. Just sayin’.
- Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you.
- An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
- Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless. You can still be used as “the bad example”.
- Vodka + Ice damages your kidney. Rum + Ice damages your liver. Whiskey + Ice damages your heart. Gin + Ice damages your brain. Damn you, Ice! How much more damage can you cause?
- There has to be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."
- I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
- Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.
- My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Born to get forced to work.
- My cow just died yesterday and I don't need your bull!
- On this site in 1897...nothing happened.
- No noose is good noose.
- Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
- Well…I’m awake. This is not a good start to my day.
- So far we have 3 inches of “no accumulation”. Thanks, Weatherman!
- Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".
- They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.
- I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.
- I began to slip this morning while going to my car, but I turned it into a wicked moonwalk instead. I gots mad skillz!
- I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.
- I need to take a Wikileak.
- Don’t leave alphabet soup on the stove. It could spell disaster.
- Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind!
- I hate it when I’m telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.
- There is no I in team, but there are four in platitude-quoting idiot.
- Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.
- I’m an apathetic sociopath. I'd kill you if I cared.
- Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
- A good friend will take you to the hospital if you slip into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.
- I totally take back all of those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid.
- Now with more cowbell.
- Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.
- I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people, "Have you seen this person?"
is in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.
- The main trouble with mental notes is that the ink fades sooooo fast.
- I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.
- Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- What was Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand?
- They say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late.
- If Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.
- I wonder what people in China call their good dishes?
- Hello, Laundry…my old nemesis. So we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played, evil villain. Well played.
- When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
- Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me it's a Transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.
- There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
- Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.
- If “new” things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.
- Signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.
- I think if you wRiTe LikE DiS you need to go back to MySpace. It’s annoying. Grow up.
- I’m updating my resume. What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months"?
- Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.
- Rumor has it that Wikileaks was on the verge of disclosing what Willis was talkin' 'bout.
- What does it mean when a guy calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean, aside from the fact that he works for MasterCard™.
- Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. What a sad state of affairs.
- Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.
- Am I the only one that flips back and forth like a little kid when I discover 2 radio stations playing the same song?
- If I had a dollar for every time that I wished I had a dollar......
- My friend said she thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
- I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.
- This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.
- If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies. Just sayin’.
- Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you.
- An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
- Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless. You can still be used as “the bad example”.
- Vodka + Ice damages your kidney. Rum + Ice damages your liver. Whiskey + Ice damages your heart. Gin + Ice damages your brain. Damn you, Ice! How much more damage can you cause?
- There has to be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."
- I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
- Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.
- My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Born to get forced to work.
- My cow just died yesterday and I don't need your bull!
- On this site in 1897...nothing happened.
- No noose is good noose.
- Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
- Well…I’m awake. This is not a good start to my day.
- So far we have 3 inches of “no accumulation”. Thanks, Weatherman!
- Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".
- They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.
- I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.
- I began to slip this morning while going to my car, but I turned it into a wicked moonwalk instead. I gots mad skillz!
- I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.
- I need to take a Wikileak.
- Don’t leave alphabet soup on the stove. It could spell disaster.
- Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind!
- I hate it when I’m telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.
- There is no I in team, but there are four in platitude-quoting idiot.
- Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.
- I’m an apathetic sociopath. I'd kill you if I cared.
- Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
- A good friend will take you to the hospital if you slip into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.
- I totally take back all of those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid.
- Now with more cowbell.
- Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.
- I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people, "Have you seen this person?"
is in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.
- The main trouble with mental notes is that the ink fades sooooo fast.
- I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.
- Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- What was Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand?
- They say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late.
- If Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.
- I wonder what people in China call their good dishes?
- Hello, Laundry…my old nemesis. So we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played, evil villain. Well played.
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