Look For Goodies

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

January 12, 2011

- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?


- If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

- Back in my day they never shut our school down for snow. They just moved the school and made us walk further.


- Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.


- Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.


- "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board


- I told my dog it is weird that she follows me into the bathroom all the time. So she walked out. Now I'm weirded out that she understands English.

- When I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.


- I've always been taught to be patient, but now I'm worried that I'm just encouraging idiots to waste people's time.


- Allergy Alert: This status may contain peanuts.


- ‎79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, some good news for the homeless.

- A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.


- I thought I saw a ninja while driving home today. It turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?


- Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.


- I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as I did.......


- How do you tell the difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, it’s a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, it’s a grizzly.


- What do men and clouds have in common? Occasionally they go away and it's a really nice day.


- If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...you can always change your birth date on Facebook.


- A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum...


- As an experiment I'm going to try to see life through the eyes of a man. Dammit, I can't stop staring at my butt in the mirror!


- I'm a much better fighter now that I have a black belt. I was hopeless when my pants kept falling down.


- WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)


- If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?


- Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!


- I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud.


- It’s not a hangover – it’s wine flu.


- I might not be a great example, but I'm one heck of a good warning.


- I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...Then we can be NEW friends!!


- I think that if I were a cannibal I’d only eat vegetarians, for the irony.


- I wish that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I didn’t do this morning.


- I work well with others as long as they leave me the heck alone.


- It's incredibly difficult to make myself look this busy.


- I only eat chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™.


- You can save a lot on college by learning calligraphy and making your own diploma.


- When people ask for advice, I say, "Use your best judgment," which they clearly don't have if they think I'm the right person to be asking.


- Anybody who says marriage is a 50/50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about men or fractions.


- I need to learn how to figure out stuff for myself. Can you guys help me do that?


- I’m glad I was diagnosed with OCD because now I have an even 100 problems.


- I just rolled my eyes out loud. I’m badass!


- If you get bitten by a zombie, then you become a zombie. Unless you’re a BMV employee, in which case your job performance slightly improves.

- Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. You're welcome.


- When you think about it, there's really not a lot an elephant has to remember.


- Oh hey, sobriety, no thanks... maybe tomorrow.


- If you don't have anything nice to say, please say it! I'm so bored.


- Screw you, "recommended serving size". You don't know me!


- I miss the days when everyone was Kung Fu fighting.


- There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who finish what they star


- All I want in this world is someone I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes!


- I’m now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.


- I slipped on the ice this morning and broke my cankle.


- I’m so broke that I go to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.


- Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea.


- I would be in fantastic shape if I ran like my mouth.


- I dieted today and all I lost was 24 hours.


- I imagine that in some cultures, I would be considered successful.


- Meditation is for adults who don't want to admit they still take naps.


- 3 things I hate: Stupid people and math.


- After years to trying to figure men out, I'm giving up and moving on to a much simpler subject. Quantum physics.

- I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune!


- I try to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.


- Im not alowed to proffread anymore.


- My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.


- When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little shits.


- If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an Olympic-sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.


- I just started my own business! I now bottle my farts and sell them on Craigslist as cans of whoop ass. Get yours today!


- In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.


- So, I just watched 'Marley and Me' again... If you haven’t seen it, it’s such a sad movie. I won't give anything away, but let’s just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.


- “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain


- Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off of the internet.


- So, when watching the college bowl games I was thinking, “If most of your players' helmets are completely covered in those stickers, maybe they're giving them away too freely.” It’s like, "Congratulations, you didn't crap your pants today, here's a sticker!"


- “How depressing, it’s so cold and gray.” said my daughter. “Well, it is January.” I replied. It was then that I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room. Awkward.


- I was late for work this morning because I got stuck behind the entire cast of Cocoon on my drive to work!


- At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be silly! Come…grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."


- I just read an article about a man who had beaten his wife with a frying pan in the kitchen. It's a damn sick world we live in! I mean…what the hell was he doing in the kitchen?!


- The world would be a lot more fun if people screamed whenever they yawned.


- There are no bad ideas in brainstorming, only unworkable ideas from management that you'll waste months developing.

No comments:

Post a Comment