January 7, 2011

- I prematurely panicked with all the blizzard warnings yesterday and ate my dog...now I’m feeling remorseful...


- I just read the instructions on a new stick of deodorant. It says, "remove top and push up bottom". I’m having trouble walking but my farts smell great!

- "New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.


- It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.


- When people say, "You're better than that", it really means you're not....


- I’m SOOOOO not a control freak! I just happen to know what is best for everyone else and how they should be doing it!


- If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.


- I have a Sith sense. I see Darth people.


- It's like I always say: You can get more with a kind word and a 2x4 than you can with just a kind word.


- Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster.

- I'm pretty sure the dude that put the extra 'r' in February is the same guy who thought up the spelling for Wednesday...


- This status is cornier than your stool after a 4th of July party.


- A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.


- ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.


- Warning labels are ruining the process of elimination.


- I’m pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up. I've seen The Karate Kid at LEAST 30 times.

- Have you ever read a book or watched a film that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that…


- I think I’m going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.