December 10, 2010

- You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.



- I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal.


- Is it just me or any time someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head?


- What's another word for synonym?

- Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.


- I am a member of the Jehovah’s witness protection program.


- My neck is sore from whipping my hair back and forth...


- If meat is murder then tofu is prison rape.


- I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"


- When I die, I want to be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.


- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


- Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.


- What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!?!"


- Throughout all this freezing weather and snow we’ve been getting, all my kids have done is stare through the window. I guess if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let them in…


- At what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?


- I just caught my kids arguing over who loves me more. It would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love her more!"..."uh uh YOU love her more!!!"


- I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.


- Dear Scissors, I feel your pain... No one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Al Gore


- I’m afraid we have differing opinions on your level of awesomeness.

- I don’t turn on a light when I go to sleep because I’m afraid of the dark…the dark turns a light on because ITS afraid of ME.


- Though we’ve made many advancements in science, sadly, pimpin’ STILL ain’t easy.


- BBC News: 'Friendly fire UK death probed' ........ As if dying wasn't enough...


- I need to pace myself, because I've already filled 95% of my box of awesome and it isn’t even noon yet...oh, see...96%!


- Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.


- Send me your credit card # and brand to my inbox and I'll post what I bought myself with your money.


- One of the hardest choices I have had to make in my adult life, give my change to the bell ringer outside of Wal-Mart or spend it in the toy vending machine in hopes that I get the cool watch I was wanting.


- In memory of John Lennon who died 30 years ago today. Did you know the only vegetable he ate was broccoli? I'm happy he finally decided to give peas a chance...


- At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.


- I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet.

- Snooze Button: Because all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap.


- ‎7-11 is developing a new wine. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness.


- I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday". Just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on that day!


- If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull...then I don't want to see your tribal tattoo.


- When I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.


- When I was your age, our video games consisted of big dots eating little dots while being chased by other dots who went in the other direction when my dot ate a special dot....


- I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.


- Telling me I can't is like asking me to prove you wrong!


- Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.


- Just so there are no misunderstandings, I am here for my own entertainment.


- How come no one will ever hold my hand and skip with me in public places?


- I saw a can of Lysol that was "original" scent. What the heck does "original" smell like?


- Why are wedding dresses white? Because all household appliances come in white.


- So I was just asked if I knew where the nearest payphone was located. Ummm…1998?


- Most people don’t act stupid – it’s generally the real thing.


- Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.


- I am at that point in the day where I point out that point in the day.


- I think swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.


- I hate people that say, "She's a nice person once you get to know her." They might as well just say, "She's a jerk, but you'll get used to it."


- I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.


- I just got back from the doctor. Turns out I have soap poisoning. Thanks a lot mom!!!


- I will NEVER predict the future.


- If you thought the Vuvuzelas at South Africa were annoying, wait until you hear the automatic weapons the Russians bring to the World Cup.


- I’ve been working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.


- Remembering things on my own makes me feel like I'm cheating on Google.


- I answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me really hard in the shin! I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry. It’s just nasty bug going around.


- I'm sorry, did someone say something about global warming? Let me remove my 3 extra layers of clothes, hat, gloves, scarf, long johns, and earmuffs, and get comfortable under my electric blanket and then you can tell me ALL about it.


- Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then please still copy this. It's important to spread the message...


- I’m pretty sure it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!


- Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?


- Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.


- I was at the grocery store and the cashier asked me if I wanted, "Paper or plastic?" I told her it didn’t matter because I'm bisacksual.


- I’m asking for donations to help me with a very difficult thing to talk about. You see, I need a tropical vacation because I’ve been hit extremely hard with the “I hope your kids turn out to be just like you” curse. Please help…


- The trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.


- The best revenge is success…or laxatives in cookies.


- The biggest inner struggle is when you really have to pee but you’re too lazy to get up.


- #192.168.1.1- I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router.


- Modern tragedy... Dumb people with smart phones.


- I started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.


- wonder I dyslexics if can this. read


- In the news: “Police squad helps dog bite victim.” ........... You'd think they would be trying to STOP it!?!


- I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone!