November 17, 2010 - Part 2

- It’s not easy reading a diary. Through binoculars. From a tree. Just sayin’…


- I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide!


- On a scale of one to Kanye, how badly do you want to interrupt me?


- I wish I had a "friend with benefits." But the friend would own an ice cream store. And the benefits would be free ice cream.


- Dear Mr. Undercover Police Car: I like your 5 extra antennas.


- I guess I just don't get the whole shaved off and drawn on eyebrow thingy old women do…


- Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.


- I'm tired of people seeing me and telling me they called me and I didn't pick up. "Yes, I remember ignoring that".


- The rules were already broken when I got here. Just sayin’…


- I hate when no one tells me it’s “Wear Your Pajamas to Wal-Mart Day”.


- Ok, so does it make me too competitive if I begin deleting friends solely because I can’t beat their Bejeweled scores?


- I’m shocked that Facebook is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people.


- I’m so excited! My DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where’s my cat?


- Flicking your cigarette butt out of a Prius cancels out your environmentally friendliness.


- If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn't that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?


- That's crazy! = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.


- Warning: Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.


- If you don’t like being tailgated, then don’t play movies I like.


- Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."


- Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?
- Reports show that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media, but I'm pretty sure people slacked off before Facebook.


- I give credit to Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher.


- Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.


- I will never understand rich people with messed up teeth.


- THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. It's not rocket science.


- I don’t call it lying down...I call it landscape mode.


- I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!


- If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.


- While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.


- My 80 year old grandma is just learning how to text. She thinks LOL means "Lots of love". She sent a text saying, "Your aunt Martha passed away this morning... LOL".


- Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.


- I really need a Cone Of Silence right now.


- I think if walkie-talkies can be called walkie-talkies…then my vacuum cleaner should be referred to as a pushy-sucky.


- Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday?


- Do me a favor...run your face into my fist really hard…

- I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter. Sheesh!

- My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that!


- Sony announces it will no longer make Walkman cassette players. In other news: Sony was still making Walkman cassette players?


- ‘The Wizard of Oz’ is the ultimate chick flick. Two women…trying to kill each other…over shoes.


- When Life Hands You: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumaratem, Yellow #5, Natural and Artificial Flavors...Make Lemonade!


- If you watch ‘The Lord of the Rings’ backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.


- Did you know that in cartoons the person on the right is never allowed to speak first? I see a future for a lawyer somewhere out there…


- How is it illegal to talk on phone while driving in New York, but it’s legal for the guy from Cash Cab to host a television show while driving?


- Why does Jason kill on Fridays when people are just starting their weekend? Why can't he wait until Monday mornings when everyone hates their lives?


- I wonder who opened that first oyster and said, "My, my, my...now doesn't THIS look yummy!"


- Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.


- Honking your horn won't make them go any faster, but at least they'll know that you're a jerk.


- I’m not waiting another minute for the lab results! The Halloween cookies from my ex-husband look good and I am feeling lucky.


- Red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is...


- UGH! I hate waiting in lines! I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.


- Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.


- Apple scrapped their plans for a new children's iPod. Apparently iTouch Kids was not an appropriate name.


- I’m thinking about doing something different today…so I think I’ll sit on the TV & watch the sofa.


- I’m tired of being an adult... Can't I just play all day!?


- If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN!" every time I landed the plane.


- Someone needs to dress up as Antoine Dodson for Halloween! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife!


- I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.


- Then God made Saturn. And He liked it so He put a ring on it.


- What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl? ... ... ... See?! Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!


- Do Zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No. They eat their fingers separately.


- If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.


- Reuse. Recycle. Re-gift.


- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


- I wish I was a white crayon so no one would use me...


- I’m at CVS and the man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she sent him for tampons.

- You know you're getting old when one of the ‘Goonies’ is now playing a grandmother in a TV comedy.

- I'm truly shocked at the amount of condoms little old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.


- If you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.

- I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.


- I want to start a women's magazine called "Period" and some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.


- I just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said, “I bet you can't hit me with a quarter!”