Look For Goodies

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Christmas Status Updates

- I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

- Every time a toy breaks...an elf gets beaten...

- I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

- I'm dreaming of a 90 degree Christmas.

- I just found a Christmas present that I forgot to give the kids last year! You should have seen their little faces when they opened it...poor little kitty!

- Claustrophobia - The fear of Santa Claus.

- Dear Santa, please bring me a new butt, mine has a crack in it!

- Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?

- Just to be clear: Our agreement to not buy each other gifts this year only applies to my gift for you.

- When they said, "don we now our gay apparel", nobody thought you'd take it so far.

- I told a kindergartener that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.

- I keep this up, the Christmas Miracle will be me getting my jeans buttoned.

- Dear Santa, I was framed.

- While assuring children that Santa really does exist, I'm often quick to add "unlike you" just to keep them on their toes.

- Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.

- Your Christmas present will be directly proportionate to the holiday bonus I will not be receiving this year.

- I’m starting to think that Santa just isn't that into me.

- If you post about how many days there are until Christmas in November, you should have to do all the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.

- I bet those adults that remind others of how many shopping days until Christmas were the same kids that reminded the teacher to give homework at the end of class.

- My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

- A man basically goes through four phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus... He doesn't believe in Santa Claus... He IS Santa Claus....He LOOKS like Santa Claus.

- 23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.

- The thing I hate most about the office Christmas party is looking for a new job the next day.

- This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all!!!

- I decided to put up a Christmas tree this year. I wrestled with it a bit...finally got it in place...it smells like Christmas now! And it looks so cool hanging from my car's rearview mirror!

- Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he KNOWS me or somethin...

- I’m excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

- Santa loves the rich kids more.

- Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.

- ♫♫♪♪ It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer ♪♪♫♫

- Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someone’s Advent calendar?

- It kind of sucks living in Cleveland this Christmas. The economy has hit us so hard, I heard Haiti was organizing a fund raiser for us.

- Just made my very own holiday fruitcake. It wasn't that difficult. All you need are some Twinkies and some Skittles.

- I'm sending my friends Justin Bieber CDs because fruitcake is a traditional Christmas gift.

- This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all!!!

- Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

- I tried to mail you something cute for Christmas but the post office took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

- No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

- If you have been naughty this Christmas be happy if you get coal...there are blind snowmen out there that would kill for it!

- Whew.....I am officially done wrapping all of my presents for Christmas in 2011. Thank you 'person who thought of re-gifting'

- I just returned some gifts¹ to the store².
¹food ²toilet

- Only 363 shopping days till Christmas!

- My kids officially have more money than I do now.

- Dear kids, There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Sincerely, WIKILEAKS

- I can’t believe it’s Christmas eve eve eve and they’re making me work.

- The Paranoid’s Christmas Carol... Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

- It's important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids are hilarious, though!

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