November 15, 2010

- People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.

- When I die…THIS will be will have on my tomb stone, "See!? I told you I was SICK!"

- The Twilight saga: It's like Star Wars for chicks.

- People who use sporks can't be trusted.

- For future reference, if you ever see someone who looks like Rosie O'Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

- I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like I’m on a bomb squad.

- My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

- im dissapointment in you’re grammer.

- When someone says, "You're the best," just know that it's a total lie…because I'm the best.

- I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.

- Bologna sandwiches are a parents way of saying... it's my legal obligation to feed you something.

- I just heard about the new miracle diet? It’s called "The Garlic Diet". You eat nothing but garlic and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...

- I'm a whole new breed of special.

- When I was younger, after getting a haircut or visiting the doctor I would receive a lollipop. My tastes have not changed since then. Give me a darn lollipop!!!

- The best part of waking up IS NOT Folgers in your cup. It’s knowing that Chuck Norris did not kill you in your sleep!

- I bet lumber companies have a lot of board meetings.

- I just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh…………………………….

- Lean Cuisine…why must you remind me of Fancy Feast?

- I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

- I’m in financial ruins. Well, I'm off to the mall to buy things that I don't need to make me feel better about my debt! See ya!

- FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

- By "liking" this Facebook status update, you're agreeing to my terms of service.*
*involves giving me money and/or beer

- I think Facebook is providing the technology for my random thoughts to be ignored by far more people than ever before.

- "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is very true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

- My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

- We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

- I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

- Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

- I have no desire for money. It's stuff that I want.