January 27, 2011

- When you go cow tipping, do you only tip 15-20% of them?



- Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.


- Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you?


- I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced.


- Did you know that 'Go Hang A Salami' is 'I'm A Lasagna Hog' backwards? You’re welcome.


- Stalking is such a strong word. I prefer “extreme follow the leader” .


- If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?


- Time flies when I throw my alarm clock across the room.


- ...And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!


- Attention Kids in High School: If you're complaining that Facebook is "becoming Myspace"... it's because of you. Please stop complaining and use Facebook for what it was made for...to lurk on other peoples photos.


- I finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep the ashes out of the fireplace.


- I need to have a fixed income. Mine is broken.


- I don’t accept blame well, but it's not my fault.


- RIP Jack LaLanne. I wonder if he’ll be buried, cremated or juiced?


- You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.


- When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.


- If I ever find out who keeps shrinking my pants, I'm going to strangle them. Then I'm going to steal all of their candy.


- 3 ways to die early: Smoking = 5 years early. Alcohol = 10 years early. Loving someone who doesn't love you = You die daily.


- Can we please have a minute of silence for the women who’ve lost their boyfriend/husband to COD: BLACK OPS.


- Dear Yahoo, I’ve never heard someone say "I dunno let’s 'Yahoo It." Just Saying. Sincerely, Google.


- It's been said that Obama hasn't had a cigarette in 9 months. If that's true, then why does it feel like he's still blowing smoke up my butt?


- Is anyone else not surprised by the news that Taco Bell’s “meat” isn’t really all meat? That didn’t even merit a “WHAT?!” from me. Turns out I love “Extender” tacos!


- Taco Bell Meat Ingredients: Beef, Water, Seasoning, Isolated Oat Product, Salt, Chili Powder, Onion Powder, Oats. Now…you may be thinking that oats don’t belong in tacos, but hear me out. Oatmeal is heart healthy. Therefore, Taco Bell = Heart Healthy.


- Is it just me, or does anyone else's cold medina taste a little funky?


- I have a friend who’s a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.


- If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.


- Life got so much easier when I decided to become part of the problem and not part of the solution.


- Never could figure out why my career as tpyist came to a sudden ned.


- Please don’t ever change! I always want to be better than you.


- If the waitress doesn’t have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.


- The clothes I wear on laundry day make me look like an alien in a movie when kids dress it to look like a human.


- Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie.


- Words: For when an emoticon just isn’t enough.


- Quit embarrassing me in front of my friends, iPod shuffle.


- Stephen Tyler looks like he’s made from leftover pieces of Mickey Rourke.


- I refuse to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.


- I’m not goofing off. I’m impersonating upper management.


- I’ve been eating healthier. By that I mean I’ve stopped cooking.


- Hard work never hurt anybody. But I’m hoping the boss will be first.


- I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.


- Today I’ve decided to rename things in the office to start with “i” like Apple. There’s iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday…


- Sailors drink beer by the galleon.


- A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.


- “Ooh goody, I have an email!” – me, forgetting about the email I sent myself NOT ONE SECOND AGO.


- Just once I’d like the chip on someone’s shoulder to be a Pringle.


- I always work as if I own this business. Turns out I’m a lazy owner who just doesn’t care if the whole thing goes down the tubes.


- Algebra was easy for the Romans because “X” was always 10.


- I bet you wish it was called male pattern badness.


- I’m taking the underground route to work today. I’ll be following the sewer system, sticking to the sides where it’s dryer with nothing but a rat hammer. Yes…I’m afraid this is a sewerside mission.


- Sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for... I'll be right back.


- I’m just typing some words in a box for you to look at.


- Twitter = I need to pee. Facebook = I peed! Youtube = Watch this pee! LinkedIn = I pee well.


- Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.


- When your only tool is a set of stairs, every coworker looks like a Slinky.


- When it’s cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it’s frustrating out I wear my UGH boots.



- My children are taking me to lunch. I get to choose where. And drive. And pay.


- Dear Diet Coke, I feel like you’re overreacting. Sincerely, Mentos.


- I like to think that if my dog was able to use a computer, his password for everything would be my name followed by random numbers.


- This yogurt is so cultured that I can only eat it when I’m listening to Beethoven.


- The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me “Amiga”. Am I in a gang now?


- Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.


- Indecision may or may not be my problem.


- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


- “I love the north pole and hate the south pole! No wait…I love the south pole and hate the north pole!” ~ a bi-polar bear


- “We will, we will paper you!” – Band that’s more awesome than Queen


- Might buy a junkyard just to grow my own junk food.


- I need constant reassurance, right?


- I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.


- I’d like to say some wise and meaningful crap, but the fact I just referred to it as “crap” shows just how meaningful I can be.


- You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.


- My dentist just won Dentist of the Year. All he got was a little plaque.


- Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at home = weird. Adding a funny hat to your pajamas at work = chef.


- If you can’t face it, moon it.


- The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.


- A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.


- The Food Network should air a disclaimer before all its programs. “Warning: the following show features stunts performed by chefs who didn’t have to worry about washing dishes, afterwards.”


- Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!


- The dog is following me around like I’m made of meat. Wait a minute…


- Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.


- I’m giving my co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.


- In only two weeks I’d forgotten how exhausting work can be. Tomorrow I think I’ll just watch.


- You never hear skinny people saying, “I’m just small boned.”


- “Age is just a number.” “Yeah? Jail is just a room.”


- On the other hand… You have different fingers.


- I always start what I finish.


- Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.


- Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.


- They used to be called Jumpolines until your mom bounced on one back in ’52.


- NEVER try to self-diagnose online. It almost always ends up making you think you’re dying. WebMD should just be renamed “EnjoyYourCancer.com”.


- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?


- If you do a Google Image search for the number ’241543903′, you will find out why the human race is so fantastic.


- Snow Tip: The other people out shoveling are called “neighbors.” They are like Facebook friends who live nearby.


- The Hypochondriac’s Epitaph: “NOW do you believe me!?”


- I’m sorry, DIRECT TV, I could care less if I can pause my DVR in one room and resume in another. Want to impress me? Free movie channels forever. Or send me a miniature giraffe. Either one.


- A disgruntled bubble wrap factory worker could shoot 20 men and no one would turn their heads.


- I have no problem keeping secrets. It’s the people I tell…



- Zoo animals don’t know they live in a gated community.


- Nudist Camp sign : Sorry, Clothed for Winter.


- Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.


- AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.


- The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.


- How long does guacamole last in the fridge? Please say a year.


- Lawyer (n): Larval stage of Politician.


- If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.


- There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.


- We must believe in free will. We have no choice.


- About 90% of conversations between guys are just made up of quotes from movies.