- ‘Vegetarian’ is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."
- I hate when I can’t understand what I’m hearing while eavesdropping!
- How can we disagree when I’m so right?
- You call it kidnapping, but I call it surprise adoption.
- My 6 packs are now officially a Family Pack.
- I have OC/DC. It's just like OCD except it rocks!
- I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand. It's the two-handed people who beat the crap out of me.
- Once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you're lying becomes less important.
- I'm not Jesus, but I can turn water into Kool Aid.
- I'm not trying to impress anyone here, but...I can totally swim without floaties.
- I refuse to go Bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I refuse to go out because of one too.
- I just took a Lunesta and washed it down with a 5 hour power energy drink. Let the battle begin.
- If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.
- I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
- Female anatomy jokes aren’t funny. Period.
- I was just wondering how much orange pop was in a can. I guess I should stop Fanta sizing and get back to work…
- It was so cold this morning and I couldn’t find my ice scraper, so I used my Old Navy discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield. It didn't work though…I only got 10% off.
- Operation "This isn't going to End Well" Is a GO!!!
- Really feels like I should tidy up, so I'm just gonna lie here and wait for that feeling to pass…
- Today, I’m suffering from Brainfartitis.
- I could be a morning person . . . if morning happened at NOON!!!
- My short term memory isn't what it used to be. Also, my short term memory isn't what it used to be.
- Mosaics are one of the most exquisite forms of art, just like broken people that God has skillfully put back together are stunning!
- Damn! I zigged when I should've zagged!
- Dude, I think my check liver light just came on.
- I’m having a "Bite Me" kind of day.
- If insanity is repeating the same things over and over while expecting a different result can I NOT go to work due to mental illness?
- I would rather have a pap-smear with a rake then go to work today...
- A morning without coffee is like...uh, yeah...I don't know. I need more coffee...
- I think waffles are pancakes with little syrup cups.
- Procrastinators will one day rule the world! ... Just not today…
- Today is the day that one of the greatest persons on earth was born in 1973. Let's all take a minute to pause and thank God that I was born.
- I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes…I HAVE always been this awesome.
- My sole purpose in life ... is merely to annoy you ...
- I'm not evil! I'm just misunderstood. (long pause) And evil.
- If you noticed this notice, your notice was noticed and the notice was noted.
- Ever have one of those days where it feels like you are being shoved into the wall face first over and over and over again?
- This status is in Spanish when you aren't looking.
- People, people, people! Calm down! You all know I'm a dork, but hey, that's what makes me amazing!
- I just put some snow tires on my car. Pretty useless really…they just crumbled as soon as I pulled away.
- I’m not bothered by being alone, because I’m already in the company of an interesting person.
- Be nice to me - with minimum effort I can make things very, very difficult.
- I’m just like you. Only better.
- I’m not perfect. But now that I’ve admitted this, I am.
- I’m like catnip, but for people.
is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that she may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if she is right for you.
<-- Results not typical.
is an acquired taste. If you don't like her, acquire some taste.
- I’m radiating the alluring, seductive glow of pure awesomeness today!
- I wish I were you, so I could be friends with me!
- If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
- Today's forecast: Partially moody with a chance of I don't like you.
- My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with her.
- Snow is a four letter word.
- I asked my kids to load the dishwasher and they handed me a bottle of wine! I guess “load the dishwasher” means to get mom drunk!
- Don’t scare me. I poop easily!
- A cup of coffee in the morning is the equivalent of being slapped in the face...but with flavor. Bring the pain little bean. Bring the pain.
- I’ll procrastinate later.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
- If a vegetarian eats animal crackers are they still a vegetarian?!?
- Here, take these scissors and run down the steps with them.
- Why not take the ex out tonight? One bullet should do it!
- Handling teenagers is as easy as nailing jelly to a ceiling...
- I’m selling my encyclopedias because I have teenagers who know everything.
- If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark that throws up people until they are forced to open a beach.
- There are two ways to impress a man 1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer.
- Crayons, check... helmet, check... Prozac, check... OK, I'M READY FOR WORK!
- There has to be more to life than just being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
is now available in version 3.1 with real kung-fu kicking action.
- I’m looking for my lost shaker of salt...
- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it... For example, I'm now sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
- I do many things well...None of which generate income…
- Calories don't count on a weekend, neither does liver damage, caused by the imbibing of copious amounts of alcohol. Yay weekend!
- There's a little angel that flies around and hits people that I love... I hope she beats the crap outta you!
- I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and sealed in airtight containers.
- If you’re riding uphill in a canoe and your wheel falls off, how many pancakes does it take to fit in a doghouse?
- I’m a weapon of mass distraction!
- I think the only difference between people with tattoos and people without, is tattooed people don't care if you don't have tattoos.
- Huked on fonix werkd fer me!
- I’m now available in five new shades of crazy.
- I'm in that awkward stage between jail bait and cougar.
- I can be mean. What’s your superpower?
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- I don't even understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon.
- Rotisserie: A Ferris Wheel for chickens.
- I’d like to remind everyone that if you're too open-minded, you're brains WILL fall out!
- There is always too much month left at the end of my money!
- I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer!
- I think we should have mandatory common sense training at work.
- I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
- What a great week! I made it through without needing bail money or having any of those messy "hide the body" episodes...
- I want to buy a cow and name it Dinner.
- The meaning of dedication is wetting yourself while playing hide and seek so that you don't give up your hiding spot!
- I sometimes wake up grumpy ... other times I let my partner sleep!
- The problem with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
- I live vicariously through myself.
- I fail Englished? That's unpossible!
- Today's hangover is brought to you by the letters B-A-C-A-R-D-I!
- I've been on an emotional roller-coaster lately ... the other day ... my mood ring exploded ...
- I’m trying to eat healthier. Wine counts as a fruit, right?
- You think I'm crazy?!?! Have you SEEN what I had as a role model?!?
- ___________/\_______\o/_____________ AAARRRGGGHHH!!! SHARK ATTACK!!!
- Note to self: Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- I'm not a stalker, I just want to talk and maybe follow you home!
- _/\_/\_/\________/\_/\_/\_ ... for a minute there you bored me to death.
- I think the Tooth Fairy is creepy and is secretly using teeth to frame people for various crimes.
- I tried being normal but I didn't like it so I went back to being me.
…Now available in the "Limited Time SOBER Edition"!!!
- There's plenty of room for God’s creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.
- I wonder if crabs think humans walk sideways.
- Have you ever noticed the word bed actually looks like a bed.
- Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
- Let's share. You'll take the grenade, I'll take the pin.
- People think onions are the only vegetable to make you cry...not true! My friend got hit in the face with a cabbage thrown from a car and she cried!
is God's favorite.
- Did you know I knew that you knew I knew you knew?
- I was planning on bringing sexy back, but can't remember where I put it.
- Due to a total lack of interest Monday is cancelled!
-I said to myself, "Self," and I knew it was me cause I recognized my voice and I was wearing my underwear, "You should get up and make a sandwich."
- I’m just out on a day pass.
-I’m right and you know it.
- I’m going to go spend a few million dollars of your money on myself to improve your economic situation. What? It doesn't work that way?
- I realize now that the police never think it's as funny as I do.
- I have a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.
- Which section will you be sitting for all eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
- If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat?
- I hate when the karma train is late.
- NOTICE: If you noticed this you may notice this is not worth noticing. Thank you for noticing.
- Would you like the yellow crayon? It tastes like bananas!
- I love my crazy friends. They have the best pills.
- I would like to kick Mother Nature in the crotch!
- Nothing like a little torrential downpour to dampen your day!
- I am retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.
- I was born to shop but forced to work…
- Why worry about work, when work obviously doesn't worry about you???
- I’ve been cleaning so much I MUST have two ugly sisters somewhere.
- I’m multi-slacking!
- Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend.
- Nice day...if you're a duck…
- Can anyone remember the recipe for summer?
- I wonder if this global warming is going to hurry up, because I’m sick of being cold!
- When I take over the world, Old Man Winter will be executed.
- I just saw a UFO outside in the sky...it was big, round and yellow...anyone know what it was!?
- I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
- I just entered into a serious relationship with a bottle of wine.
- Dear, Friday: You and your friends, Saturday and Sunday, need to come by more often. I've missed you. Love your biggest fan, me.
- I’m off to that EVIL place where they keep her pay check.
- I think my intelligence is misunderestimated irregardless of my enourmousish vocabularity.
- I was told they broke the mold after I was born...but I keep seeing this little person who is just like me.
- Congratulations! You're a successful parent...your kids hate you!
- I may seem completely random, but it all makes sense in my head.
- Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take???
- Today's show is brought to you by the letters W, T, F.
- I’m seriously considering letting my inner bitch out on parole if I keep having days like this.
- Good morning world! And what new hell do you plan on putting me through today???
- Dear Pringles: Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
- Life isn't about being who everyone wants you to be. It's about being yourself and finding someone who loves every bit of it.
- The most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you when you were not very lovable.
- I’m being attacked by Monday! Get it off me, get if off me! :)
- I have to remember that patience is a virtue and that murder is punishable by 25 years to life.
- Hold on...my train of thought hit a cow
- No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
- I just realized the true definition of family. "People related by blood, who think they have the right to abuse and attack you emotionally and get away with it!”
- Today I am proudly sporting my big girl cranky pants.
- I’m having one of those 'Please Approach with Caution' days.
- I am standing on the fine line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.
- Why is it that when we talk to God it is called Praying, but when God talks to us it is called Paranoid Schizophrenia?
- Note to self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
- I'm so lovable they gave me my own special jacket just so I can hug myself.
- I think that as long as my boss pretends to pay me well, I will pretend to work hard!
- Hello, Friday! I missed you.
- I’m always trying to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
- I don’t have an anger problem. I have an idiot problem.
- Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually, it took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
- I'm sarcastic...what's your super power?
- Beauty is only skin deep, but without skin you'd just look gross.
- Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect...it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
- Be normal and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged and they will make you their leader.
- I will give you back the scissors if you stop making those stabby motions.
- I am on strike! I will not be talking to anyone, until my demands are met. I want a baby monkey and an army of Scottish squirrels!
- True friends are hard to find, luckily, I've found mine.
- I’m running away and joining the circus. No wait...I have kids...this is the circus.
- Yay for talking to people on the phone while you're on the toilet!
- I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be, but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!
- Middle age is when you choose cereal because of its fiber content, not the free toy!
- My attention span would much longer if things weren't so damn shiny!
- I love working on days like this. If I was off, I'd just get sunburned and drink too much. Thanks work, for looking out for me.
- Having kids means knowing that whatever else you did or didn't do, you gave the world something beautiful.
- Psst...Hey you...yeah you...you're my favorite...don't tell the others!
- If you’re dancing with your honey, and her nose is kinda runny, and you think its sorta funny, well itsnot.
- I like mornings...that start at 11:59am.
- I’m here to remind you that we can't all be the princess. Someone has to sit on the curb and clap as I go by.
- I’m suffering from amnesia and de ja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
- Good morning fellow Facebook addicts. Today's meeting is now in session.
- I ask for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!
- I just realized that my "give a damn" is broken today. Fortunately, my "go screw yourself" is still working.
You Can Be This Funny, Too! Thoughts from the Interwebs...and, yes...my brain. -- Facebook Status Updates I've Used And Will Use.
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